The Rihillionaire has done it. In the greatest album announcement of all time, Rihanna has, instead, announced a pregnancy.
How entertaining it must be to have the entire nation in the palm of your hand like millions of little paparazzis as you dangle the idea of a tiny bald version of yourself in front of their noses! What wouldn’t the world stand to gain from the mere presence of a mini-Rih?!
Thus is the life of celebrity moms-to-be: Pregnancy is publicity! Pregnancy is a moment to remind the world that you are richer and objectively better in every way than us mortals who simply resort to posting ultrasound pics on those mommy blogger peg letter boards. Pregnancy is a statement to the world that they should be so lucky to bear witness to your hot offspring—the fruits of your very famous loins!!!
With the expectation that most of us will likely be the sort of future moms with prolonged morning sickness who never get the “pregnancy glow” and thus opt for a more agoraphobic lifestyle as opposed to red carpet outings and photoshoots that cost an entire year’s worth of New York City rent, let’s revisit some of the most iconic and fashionable womb-bearers who’ve graced the pages of our magazines. Given that we’re not getting free covid tests until the SPRING, another ice storm is re-triggering Texas’ PTSD, and Biden’s overall presidency has been nothing more than an unremarkable toot so far, we are ever so lucky to have photographic evidence of their ballooning bellies and unchanged physique. May they procreate in Prada and breastfeed in Burberry.
