It’s Bleak Out There, Have Some Hot Pregnant Ladies!

It’s Bleak Out There, Have Some Hot Pregnant Ladies!

In honor of Rihanna's epic pregnancy announcement, we give you pregnant hotties’ greatest hits.

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Photo: Gotham/GC Images) (Getty Images)

The Rihillionaire has done it. In the greatest album announcement of all time, Rihanna has, instead, announced a pregnancy.

How entertaining it must be to have the entire nation in the palm of your hand like millions of little paparazzis as you dangle the idea of a tiny bald version of yourself in front of their noses! What wouldn’t the world stand to gain from the mere presence of a mini-Rih?!

Thus is the life of celebrity moms-to-be: Pregnancy is publicity! Pregnancy is a moment to remind the world that you are richer and objectively better in every way than us mortals who simply resort to posting ultrasound pics on those mommy blogger peg letter boards. Pregnancy is a statement to the world that they should be so lucky to bear witness to your hot offspring—the fruits of your very famous loins!!!

With the expectation that most of us will likely be the sort of future moms with prolonged morning sickness who never get the “pregnancy glow” and thus opt for a more agoraphobic lifestyle as opposed to red carpet outings and photoshoots that cost an entire year’s worth of New York City rent, let’s revisit some of the most iconic and fashionable womb-bearers who’ve graced the pages of our magazines. Given that we’re not getting free covid tests until the SPRING, another ice storm is re-triggering Texas’ PTSD, and Biden’s overall presidency has been nothing more than an unremarkable toot so far, we are ever so lucky to have photographic evidence of their ballooning bellies and unchanged physique. May they procreate in Prada and breastfeed in Burberry.

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Rihanna

Rihanna

Last year, Rihanna accused us all of breeding her “every damn year,” but this year she had, in fact, been bred with consent and the help of A$AP Rocky. Trust that we’d normally be happy to leave a savage legend’s uterus alone, but her womb is now both newsworthy and has more fashion sense in one umbilical cord than I’ve had in my entire life. Her hard launch featured the billionaire and her rapper arm candy taking a totally casual jaunt around New York City in the snow, with Rih decked in a fluffy pink, vintage Chanel coat with a gaudy cross resting atop her belly, plus some pearls and other assorted jewels that scream, “We are not the same.”

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Beyoncé

Beyoncé

Put this shit in the Louvre. “The Carters” announced that they were pregnant with twins via this God-fearing photo shoot that makes me consider putting my Judaism aside temporarily to kneel at the feet of our saint and savior, Bey. This Instagram post reignited our common belief in celestial deities that walk among us, about to birth the music industry’s next Messiah.

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Kylie Jenner

Kylie Jenner

Image for article titled It’s Bleak Out There, Have Some Hot Pregnant Ladies!
Photo: Gotham/GC Images (Getty Images)

In September 2021, Kylie announced her second child with Travis Scott on Instagram, simultaneously reinventing the celebrity pregnancy wheel with a home video that has over 150 million views. The compilation of iPhone videos touts two normal parents doing normal things like taking a pregnancy test, going to ultrasound appointments, throwing lavish parties with twinkly lights, and having dinner with some of the richest people in America. Normal!!! Whether you love or hate the Jenner clan, this video (I say begrudgingly) is iconic.

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Cardi B

Cardi B

Image for article titled It’s Bleak Out There, Have Some Hot Pregnant Ladies!
Photo: Bennett Raglin/Getty Images for BET (Getty Images)

Did you expect Cardi to just throw up a post? Obviously, the rapper revealed her second pregnancy in a very public forum, onstage, in heels and a studded glam bodysuit with a peek-a-boo sheer belly cutout. She then followed that firework show with a regal Instagram post, tits out, covered in white paint and ass tats.

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Serena Williams

Serena Williams

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Photo: Sean Zanni/Patrick McMullan via Getty Images (Getty Images)

You know what I love about Serena? Aside from being one of the top athletes in the world, she’s a big fan of the oopsies strategy. Like, oopsies I just got engaged to the co-founder of Reddit! And oopsies, I just announced my pregnancy on Snapchat and then deleted it! She just hurls snowballs at our faces with no warning, and that is much preferred opposed to a high-budget publicity campaign.

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Emily Ratajkowski

Emily Ratajkowski

I think I’ll forever mull the idea of Em Rata as a feminist icon around in my head, because despite her willingness to take us to task for objectifying her by objectifying herself first...ugh I just don’t buy it. The model and actor announced her pregnancy with Vogue in a video shot by Lena Dunham, noting it was “written and filmed by me. Shot at home.” I know we want celebs to do the most, but in this instance, I would prefer she have done a little bit less. This announcement was most memorable, however, because Em Rata said in her interview that she would allow her baby to choose its gender, and then proceeded to gender her baby two weeks after he was born.

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Kirsten Dunst

Kirsten Dunst

Kirsten’s W Mag Rodarte pregnancy announce is the only evidence needed for a Kirsten Dunst Career Revival campaign. She knew she was a good bitch before the world was ready to see her.

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Gal Godot

Gal Godot

Post-coital white slip announcement?!??? HOT. Wonder Woman’s baby is going to be stupid attractive with those Israeli genes, perhaps rivaling the Jolie-Pitt brood. Casual. Unassuming. Still Wonder Woman.

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