Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Leave Rihanna's Uterus Alone!!

"Y'all breed me every year dammit lol," the singer responded to a fan.

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Image: Jonathan Brady - Pool (Getty Images)

As a woman of child-bearing age, there are few things in this world more irritating or unnecessary than being asked repeatedly by well-intentioned people in my life if I am ever going to nut up and give them a grandchild. Much like a tiny rock in my Croc, this is only a minor irritant, but it is also something that I share in common with Rihanna, a woman who routinely endures the indignity of pregnancy rumors and speculation and is forced to refute them at every turn.

Recently, the speculation around the contents of Rihanna’s uterus reached a fever pitch after photographs of the singer dressed in a fetching orange gown circulated. Rihanna was being honored as a National Hero of Barbados, coincidentally on the same day the island nation became a republic—how lovely! Less lovely, though, were the hundreds of people chattering that because this dress she’s wearing is clinging to her midsection, she must be with child.

The source of the rumor is this tweet, which states plainly that Rihanna is expecting a child with her boyfriend A$AP Rocky. Please note that the tweet in question provides no source for its claim, but was clearly posted for clout, for clicks, and for chatter. Congratulations to this intrepid social media user for having the confidence to issue forth such a statement, but also, sorry bro, this seems to be incorrect. Though the child that came from their union would be both very cool and very hot, it’s all just a pleasant fiction. It turns out that Rihanna is not pregnant, and the reason we know this to be true is because she told a rando who DM’ed her on Instagram that she’s not.

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A fan named Jen DM’ed Rihanna to congratulate her on her impending (false) pregnancy, and said by means of apology—in case the rumor wasn’t true—that she’s “Sorry everyone’s up in your uterus right now 😂💀.” Because Rihanna is gracious and also because she’s probably tired of hearing people run their mouths about whether or not she’s with child, she responded, “Haaaaa! Stawwwp! You ain’t came to the first 10 baby showers! Y’all breed me every year dammit lol”

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Okay! I suppose that’s that. There’s no baby to see here yet, so maybe, for 2022, let’s all stop asking.