On Tuesday, we explored the big bad world of uncircumcised penises and how terrible it is that those who possess them never get the oral sex they so rightly deserve. On Wednesday, the fun continued: Esquire's Chris Jones chimed in and told us all about his and how much he loves it.
Jones's piece is part of a four-part Esquire roundtable entitled "The Royal Circumcision", which references whether or not beloved new parents Will and Kate will choose to circumcise new Prince George. Our other panelists include Tom Junod, who compares circumcision to getting a crew cut; Scott Raab, who describes himself as "a Jew against circumcision" and Mike Raab, who has used his allotted space to describe exactly how his son holds his penis when using the urinal ("exactly the same way I do").
Despite those worthy contributions to the growing body of work that is dick talk, it's Jones who really gets to lay down the law about how rad his uncut penis is:
To this day, I look at my penis and have no idea what would have been missing and what would have remained had I been born under a crueler star. It's like trying to picture my face without a nose on it.
He also takes issue with people who say he is just not as clean as he could be, using a really great metaphor to describe what his penis could smell like, hypothetically speaking:
If I stopped washing my penis, would it end up smelling like a cheese factory? Yes. I imagine an unwashed circumcised penis wouldn't be in tip-top shape, either. But here's how I avoid making trouser curds: I clean and maintain my penis, quite lovingly.
And finally, he lets us know that his penis is the most fantastic penis in all the land, just the way it is:
In fact, I'd wager my penis is cleaner than average because I'm mindful of its upkeep and rubbing soap on it feels amazing. Unlike the doorknobs of dead flesh wielded by so many of my American cousins, the head of my penis remains, almost forty years after its construction, spectacularly sensitive. I don't know what sex is like for circumcised men, but I know it's not as good as it is for me. They have rods; my full brothers and I have lightning rods.
Helpfully enough, Slate's Amanda Hess decided to keep killing it on the circumcision beat and did a little research and found that most of the data concerning whether uncircumcised men actually have less sex is pretty old and that there isn't actually a lot of hard evidence that uncut men are having a sad, cold, unsexy time. So though Chris Jones might have the best penis right now, watch out Chris: there's an army of dicks literally coming your way.
Happy with My Foreskin [Esquire]