Image: Selfridges

Like a knife to the oversized inflatable hot dog of my heart, the cruel postmodernists of Gucci have unleashed on the world (of the rich) a $376 swimsuit-inspired swimsuit in which you may not swim. You may watch from the sidelines as the clear blue waters of the infinity pool wash over your fellow Mykonos resort guests as you sparkle in your ivory sparkling lycra nylon-elastane suit bearing the Gucci logo which absolutely may not come into contact with chlorine. You are constrained to the tiny ledge of the pool where you may eat a chia fruit bowl with a cocktail–but with whom? You can dip your legs in there or wade in up to the butt, but it’s just not the same, ya know?

This is obviously not the first time fashion has gone form over function (see boob fanny packs, Crocs heels), but the sparkling swimsuit with Gucci™ logo goes further: it is a manifestation of fun, squashed. This is a rejection of group activities, outright. This is a buzzkill, materialized.

What’s even the point of installing underwater speakers and a beach-entry feature if you’re not going to use them?

What’s the point of going anywhere?

I’m going to circle back to this one because the all the swimsuits are currently sold out, and may their owners forget to set the washing machine on delicate so they can meet their watery graves.