Let Me Help You With this Fanny Pack Bullshit

Guess which one is doing it right
Guess which one is doing it right
Image: Getty

Like an especially stupid moth drawn to the same flickering, dim flame, I am still compelled by the Kardashian Klan’s comings and goings, perhaps because my brain is broken beyond repair—or maybe, because Kimberly’s fashion choices are both compelling and repugnant, quite often in the same breath.


An example: this photo of Kim Kardashian West wearing her husband’s nightmarish atheleisure/fembot sartorial vision sometime in July.

Setting aside the fact that this outfit is not appropriate for July in Calabasas and ignoring what the boots do to the leg (bad!), I’d like to focus specifically on the belt bag, worn bandolier-style across Kim’s ample bosom and looking like an errant sanitary napkin strapped to the bod in case of emergency.

As a recent convert to this fashion trend that, like everything else, I hated at first and reluctantly came around to, I would like to state for the record: This is not the way to wear a belt bag if you have large breasts.

The great convenience of a belt bag is that your hands are free and all of your shit is close to your body, easing any paranoia about robbers on the subway sneaking their hand into your unzipped (idiot!) bucket bag after a Yankees game and stealing your wallet—a fun thing that you discover only upon exiting the subway and looking for your wallet only to find it missing. Regardless of the circumstances upon which you find yourself in possession of a belt bag, if you also happen to be in possession of an ample bosom, wearing this shit as Kim has done is not the move.

It took me a few days of trial and error, nervously texting my cooler sister to see if the bag I purchased in a fit of pique at an Urban Outfitters (whatever!) was positioned on my body correctly. Too high and the bag crosses the expanse of the chest over the widest part of the boob in question, restricting motion in the arms. Too low and the entire thing dangles ineffectually at your waist, like the world’s tiniest messenger bag worn off to the side. Resting your titty atop the bag, as if it were sitting on a tiny shelf, seems like it’s wrong, but it is absolutely correct.


The bag portion of the belt bag is not meant to lay flat atop the cleavage, as if on a tray. Snuggle that shit under the boob so that your titty rests atop it like a gleaming prize—not for others, heavens, no—but for you.


fheshun mawdell... knows Gianni Versace


It goes around my waist, while wearing bermuda shorts, feathered hair, keds, a neon tank top / t-shirt from pac sun, contains a plethora of membership cards, lighters, cigarettes, both a motorola see-through pager AND an enormous cellular telephone, 3 scrunchies knotted together, gum, spare underpants, a mix tape, markers, too many keys and a walkman, or IT DOESN’T GO AT ALL.