Gossip News Is Having a Grand Ol' Time Envisioning Dance Moms' Abby Lee Miller in Prison 

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Now that Abby Lee Miller–Dance Moms’ choreographer whose training tactics include convincing children that they are unloved–reported to prison this morning, tabloids are gleefully imagining her day-to-day life as an inmate. Miller–who’s serving a year-long sentence for bankruptcy fraud–has said that she plans to think of herself as a character in a movie; after a little look-see at the preview, the movie is perhaps a little more dismal than the narrative Miller had in mind. Because it’s prison.

Okay lady. Let’s dance.

E News! peruses the FCI Victorville Prison handbook, 69 pages of rules laying out a regimen of laundry, cell cleaning, and vocational training, laced with policy on sexual assault, contraband, and disciplinary action. They note that she will be forced to wear khakis.

TMZ delights in the limited menu of fruit, grits, burgers, sandwiches, and soups. Sympathy is running low:

“And the weekend’s looking up for Abby — sloppy joes for lunch on Saturday and chicken tacos at night! It ain’t Craig’s, but it’ll have to do for the next year and a day.”

People compares it to Litchfield from Orange Is the New Black, but looks on the bright side: she could start a dance program!

Unmentioned is the optional parenting program, where she would learn to be an “active, nurturing role model.”

A great, if depressingly great, act by a man: British tennis player Andy Murray corrected a reporter who called his opponent Sam Querry the “first US player to reach a major semi-final since 2009,” casually forgetting, um, the most famous fucking tennis players in the world.

Male player.” Idiot.

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  • George and Amal Clooney are releasing more fluff about baby bliss, possibly to slake the paparazzi’s thirst for baby photos. They’ve reportedly gotten temporary restrictions on traffic and visitors to protect the family. [E! News]
  • Some extra stuff we didn’t need on top of the Blac Chyna-Rob Kardashian feud: Blac Chyna’s lawyer Lisa Bloom has preemptively warned a fling, rapper Ferrari, that he will face legal action if he, too, posts any nudes of Blac Chyna. He doesn’t care. [US Magazine]
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