One of the chillest parts of being alive is how some people are considered inherently more valuable than other people. The most valuable, of course, are celebrities, i.e. human beings with symmetrical faces who appear on camera and recite words for too much money. Every now and then, we normal peasants gets the chance to interact with famous people, which brings us to the subject of this week's pissing contest: Your most insane celebrity encounters.
From our Jezebel staff (who are all stars in there own way) (not really) (trust me, I know them) (nothing to write home about): Erin Gloria Ryan once spent an evening watching a laser light show seated a mere 5-feet away from Bob Newhart. Emma Carmichael saw Samantha Bee shooting a Daily Show segment, hollered "YOU KICK ASS" and ended up high-fiving Bee in the street. Kate Dries is legally barred from interacting with any and all famous people. Ellie Shechet hitched a ride from Jamie Lee Curtis. Jia Tolentino's friend was once (allegedly) HELD UP AT GUNPOINT by Mike Jones. Clover Hope was subpoenaed in the lawsuit of a semi famous wannabe rapper. And I—feeling so boring after all this talk of guns and courtroom drama—once made a fool of myself while waiting on Susan Sarandon by trying to act so relaxed that I leaned against the wall while explaining the specials in the same way that a high school jock would lean on a row of lockers. She was not impressed!
Can you top us?
Before you try, here are the winners of last week's Pissing Contest: Your Worst Beauty Disasters.
Presenting your third runner-up, moose truther:
Okay when I was a wee young one and body glitter was all the rage, I'd run out of silver body glitter but had nail polish with silver glitter in it. Which I promptly smeared next to my temples and kinda into my eyebrows (fuck the late 90s, why did we do this to ourselves). I quickly found out that you couldn't wash that shit off with water, and was too proud to ask mum for nail polish remover. So I went around for at least four days with the nailpolish on my face, slowly getting dirtier and peeling off in little parts, surreptitiously trying to rub it off to the point where my whole eye area was red and half my eyebrows had been pulled off. Whenever someone asked if I'd used nail polish I was so indignant. "NO it's body glitter ew why would you put nail polish on your face."
Young moose was such a tragic child.
Second runner up, Ovdanyakad:
I have naturally curly thick hair. When I was in middle school I begged my mom to let me have it chemically straightened because I so desperately hated my hair at the time. (When you have an afro as a child in the suburbs of Colorado, you learn all about how kids are mean as hell)
Anyway, she took me to FANTASTIC FUCKING SAMS where they proceeded to botch the whole thing. I'm positive the lady hadn't done it since beauty school and the jar of whatever they put on my head had dust on the top. I had straight hair only in the middle. Meaning my roots up to about an inch and a half were still curly as fuck, the next 5 inches stick straight, and then the ends were curly again. It was horrific. And I still can't figure out how they did it.
First runner up, frickineh:
OMFG. I can't believe I forgot this one - when I was like, 15, I started shaving my pubes into shapes. Like hearts and stars. I used to outline the shape with eyeliner before I got into the shower to make sure I got it right. I wasn't even sexually active, just really ambitious with my little baby bush.
And the winner, EDIE BEALE'S COSTUME!
At the tender age of 10, aka the what the fuck is happening to my body era, I decided I wanted to learn what it was like to shave my legs. So I waited until my parents weren't home and I was babysitting my 5 year old little brother. I was a horrible babysitter because I decided this was the best time to lock myself in the bathroom with my dad's used disposable Bic, a can of Edge shave gel, and I went to town.
First, I used the entire can of shave gel on both of my already hairless legs. The foam built up so much it looked like I was wearing white foamy snow pants from my bike shorts down. Then with no water or actual idea of what I was doing, I started shaving while standing in the bathtub. And then I made sure to get the pit of my knee, because you know how hairy those knee pits get. Before I could move on I felt a little pinch, the pile of white foam below me was speckled with bright red spots of blood. I immediately panicked and started rinsing out the tub, and there was A LOT of blood.
There was nothing I could do to stop the bleeding! I completely used up the 1/4 roll of toilet paper left in the bathroom, and then ran to the kitchen, trailing a murder scene behind me. I climbed the kitchen counter and grabbed the paper towels off of the top of the refrigerator, and sat in the kitchen sink bleeding through several towels of Bounty while I instructed my little brother to stop watching TV and wipe up the blood I trailed through the living room with a couple of paper towels. After the bleeding let up a little, I checked the spot behind my knee to see that I had managed to shave off a chunk of skin about 1/2" in diameter. I don't know how long I sat in the kitchen sink, but eventually the bleeding stopped.
My parents never found out or they never told me. I used my piggy bank money to run across the street and replace my dad's shave gel, and I made sure to shove all of the bloody paper to the bottom of the trash can and make as much junk as I could to cover it up.
I still have that scar on the back of my knee, and now I completely avoid the knee area altogether.
TO THE VICTOR GO THE SPOILS.
Image via Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, Kate Dries' favorite movie.