This upcoming Monday marks the launch of Millihelen, an exciting new Jezebel site devoted to easy and accessible makeup advice. (Read more about it here!) To celebrate the venture, we're devoting this week's Pissing Contest to your most hilarious and cringeworthy makeover disasters.
PICTURE THIS: You're 9-year-old Madeleine and you decide to get a haircut. Because you are EDGY and a TRENDSETTER, you decide the best look at this time would be a bowl cut, just like the one your best male friend has. You get the cut. You feel alive and proud. And then the next day, your crush Marquis tells you that you look like the lady from the sitcom Ellen. "You mean Ellen DeGeneres?" "Yeah, you look like Ellen DeGeneres." (Marquis would never learn to love you.)
Now before we move forward with your tales of curling iron disasters, terrible bangs and smeared lipstick, we first need to honor the winners of last week's Pissing Contest, The Most Embarrassing Person You've Ever Had Sex With. (These were so good that I had to pick several winners.)
aaww_my_bees had sex with a juggalo who, unfortunately was not in Jugg makeup:
A Juggalo. I would elaborate but I don't really think that's necessary.
The Gaysian is continually tearing up these contests, yo:
A guy whom after causing so much drama at a party, by drunkenly hitting on all my friends and kissing several who were already in relationships, left me something on the desk in the morning after we had sex.
It was $200, along with a note saying "You could use some improvement."
Gnomi Malone had an accidental sexual encounter with a NEO NAZI:
Late bloomer here who segued into having a lot of partners and I only have one experience that I regret. That was when I was on a mission to have a one-night stand, got really drunk and didn't notice the nazi tattoos on the dude I banged until I sobered up the next morning.
I plan to use it as a cautionary tale forever. "If you want to have sex, perhaps do not get so drunk that you cannot tell the difference between a flower tattoo and a swastika. Because you must forever live with the knowledge that you humped a neo-nazi."
Here's ButterscotchSwirl, who, by all accounts, is a real silly goose:
As a college freshman I thought I was hot shit going after a senior RA the first week on campus. I wasn't even attracted to him, but was swept up by all that authority. Oh, the power! One thing led to another, and when things began to get hot and heavy he bent his lips into my ear. My mind raced with excitement. Here we go, an older guy - this was going to be amazing sexy talk, I just knew it! Talk to me, Goose! He whispered slowly and hotly: "I have a hairy pooper, do you...liiike hairy poopers?" I froze. Hairy pooper? Pooper? This was too much for my freshman brain to take. Cartoon bubbles exploded FLEE FLEE FLEE in my head like a Fourth of July fireworks show and I wanted to I-Dream-of-Jeannie myself right back to my room. But did I? No I did not. Instead, I squeaked out a tentative "yes?" which was apparently enough for him - load shot. I left shortly after that without closing the deal and spent the entire first semester avoiding him.
And finally this, from my new personal hero, noseriouslywhy:
His name was Javier and I met him when I worked at the bookstore in college. He was super hot, but that's because all he cared about in the world was his body. Good for him! Good for him. But between working out and moisturizing and hair care and trimming and and and, there was...not much left. But super hot and hey. College bookstore.
I also happened to be in actual love with my friend Jay. I should mention that.
Anyway, we're having sex and he's really getting into how awesome he's doing and I was kind of...having a good time, maybe?, and I started imagining another scenario, and then I started having a REALLY good time, and then I was yelling JAY!!!! at the top of my lungs. Javier slowed to a slow...wait...what?...pace and looked down at me, so I then yelled...A!!!!! Followed by.....V!!!!!!! You see where this is going. Anyway, he seemed to enjoy having a personal cheerleader pompoming her boobs all over while he rocked his own universe, and came very quickly and thoroughly, HIGH-FIVED me, leapt out of the bed onto the floor and immediately started doing excited pushups.
Congrats, everyone! You've all had sex with some truly awful people!
Now on with your beauty horror stories! Bonus points if you have pictures.
Image via Paramount.