It’s yearbook season, which means that crowds of high school seniors are naively unleashing their senior portraits on the world without a clue that one day these photos might be a deep-seated source of embarrassment. So tell us (or show us), was yours?
But before we get to that, here are the winners of last week’s Pissing Contest, The Best Time You Ever Pretended to Be Someone Else.
By Spring Sprung:
Back in the day, I was often told that with my big 80s perm-curly red hair and similar features that I bore a resemblance to Tawny Kitaen from the Whitesnake video. So one night some girlfriends and I were out at a club and these guys were buying us drinks because they had somehow been led to believe that I was the aforementioned Ms. Kitaen (ahem). Well these b*tches dared to call us (mainly me) out on our lie and and a fracas was about to go down when suddenly there was a ruckus at the front door. Who appears but David Coverdale (lead singer) and his entourage. They head our way and it’s brought to his attention that some chick is claiming to be the girl from their video. David walks over to me, looks me up and down and puts his arm around me. “Of course this is her,” he said with a smile and a wink and sauntered away.
LittleMissMasshole (who might be lying to us RIGHT NOW):
When I was about 13, I pretended to be a soon to be mother on a baby name message board. I really liked baby names at the time (girl names only, der), carefully maintaining lists for all my future children. This was back around 2001 so it was a very primitive message boards, but I was extremely active, becoming a top commenter. I would google things that happen in the last trimester and commiserate to other moms, who by the way helped me pick out my fake baby’s name (OMG BELIEVE IT OR NOT- IT WAS MADELINE). I even went MIA for a few days for my fake birth. I scanned my own baby picture on my moms scanner and posted it to the group to hearty congratulations. Madeline had arrived!
Eventually some of my mom friends thought the message board was getting too over-run with lame people or something because they wanted to start a private email chain, me included of course. This is when I realized the jig was up (due to my middle school level amateur hour email address). I politely declined - hey I had a newborn and all- and that was the end of that.
I’ve never actually told this story to anyone because I realize how fucking odd it is, so thank you all for letting me get it off my chest. I swear this was my one and only fake internet identity. Shit, Madeline would be so old now you guys!
And, finally, the best and most heartbreaking, courtesy of girlwithapowerdrill:
I pretended to be straight for 20 years. Does that count?
Congrats, one and all.
Alright, everybody. It’s time to throw on some graduation music, get your gel pen ready for signing each other’s yearbooks, and start scanning those photos, the more awkward the better. LYLAS.
(Keep in mind, we will be sharing these photos next week, so don’t post pictures that you don’t want to see in a Jezebel blog post.)
Contact the author at email@example.com.
Image via Freaks and Geeks/Fox.