Evening, Camp Jezebel! Once again, it’s time for Pissing Contest and this week we’re sharing our craziest stories from summer camp? Is this sponsored Wet Hot American Summer content? Nope! I’m just a sucker who does this out of the goodness of her own heart. You’re welcome.

Here are our winners from our last INCREDIBLY DISGUSTING Pissing Contest, The Worst Thing You’ve Ever Seen on an Airplane. For the record, this is the most horrifying Pissing Contest I’ve ever had to read through. I may never ride on an airplane again.

From reader Stephanie, submitted via email:

I’ve always been a little nervous when flying, but my last trip to Germany in 2011 really pushed me over the edge from ‘I’m feeling kind of nervous’ to ‘I’m having a full-on panic attack.’ While everyone was boarding, this one guy a little bit ahead of me was visibly drunk: slurring his words, stumbling about, and he smelled so strongly like whisky it was even making me feel nauseous. As we’re walking past first class he starts yelling at a woman to the right of us…telling her that she’s probably never known true fear UNTIL NOW; that she better start feeling afraid, VERY AFRAID, and that something bad is going to happen to her and to everyone else on the flight. I immediately started stressing out that he was going to blow the plane up.

So, we continue walking and get settled into our seats. We were sitting towards the middle of the plane, and he was sitting in the back. All of a sudden I hear a lot of commotion in the back of the plane, and turn to try and find out what’s going on. The potential terrorist was being escorted from the back of the plane towards the front. The back of his pants were wet, AND COVERED WITH A BROWN/GREY LIQUID. Not only did he piss himself in his seat, but he also shit all over himself. What a great way to kick off an 11 hour flight.

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From Jorgi (also submitted through email):

First was on a flight from DC to Frankfurt. I got on the flight and was feeling lucky because no one was sitting next to me and it was an overnight flight. I had noticed a bunch of small kids getting on the flight And was hoping and praying they wouldn’t be next to or around me, and I was lucky. I remarked to the woman behind me how I was hoping to get some sleep in the plane because I had another eight hour flight after I got to Frankfurt. We had dinner, and I put on the sleep mask and hit the hay. An hour or so into sleeping I kept hearing a baby cry; being a mom I think the mom instincts kicked in and I kept waking up slightly only to realize my son was grown and not in the plane with me. So I was dozing in and out and then I sit STRAIGHT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE A CAT LANDED ON ME. It was yowling and hissing and scratching and I was freaking the fuck out. The lady behind me was reaching over the seat trying to grab and shush the cat. An attendant came running over to see what was up and the lady behind me started going on about how the cat hadn’t been happy in the carrier and she took him out just to give him a little space. I felt like I had just drank 90 cups of coffee my heart was beating so fast. The attendant was pissed and told the lady to out the cat away. I got no apology for the rude awakening, and this was the flight where I learned to ALWAYS take ear plugs with you.

Second isn’t nearly as involved but was worse. I was flying to the Middle East for work, on my fave airline (Turkish Airlines is the BEST). It was in October, which is still a little warm there. I had to change flights in Istanbul, so it was a relatively quick flight (4 hours). Plane wasnt really full, and I lucked out with a window seat and an empty in between me and the aisle. After take off, before beverage service, I glance over at the guy next to me. Big, tall, large older Middle Eastern man. Who has unbuckled his pants and is sitting there with his chonies showing to God and country. He looks at me and says “it is very hot in this plane, yes? I must keep cool!” and gestures down at his nether regions. I had to use the bathroom from the minute we took off, but I wasn’t about to ask him to move, for fear of what might flop out.

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This is a brief-yet-awful one, from a man only identified as Ron:

It’s a bit of a longer story but it boils down to seeing a puke pile with a set of false teeth in it right in the middle of the aisle.

Speaking of puke, here’s a nightmare tale from a reader named Lissa:

I was flying home from Maui in the worst turbulence ever. The flight attendants didn’t undo their seat belts for about two hours. The pilot announced that the storm was too big for him to fly above it, and we just had to go through it. I had developed a fear of flying at that point in my life so was already white-knuckling the armrests. At one point the 747 just dropped and then hit a pocket of air or something(?) and we slammed down into it. Then people started vomiting. The smell permeated the whole plane. To this day, even after 20 years of being a nurse, the smell of puke requires immense self-control to not puke myself.

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Now please—for the love of bug juice, sleeping under the stars, and maybe getting fingered for the first time in Cabin 7—help me to forget about these plane horrors with all your best stories from summer camp!


Contact the author at madeleine@jezebel.com.

Image via Wet Hot American Summer.