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The Worst Thing You've Ever Seen on an Airplane

Illustration for article titled The Worst Thing Youve Ever Seen on an Airplane

That’s right, ya coozes! Pissing Contest is back! This week, we’re talking about the worst things that we’ve seen on airplanes and—considering how long it’s been since the last time we did this—I know that you’ve got a bladder full of great stories. Unleash the golden stream and we’ll highlight the best tales of airplane woe next Friday.


The Jezebel staff—being the jet-setting, bad luck magnets that we are—has our fair share of terrible airplane stories—from finding blood in the bathroom to being stuck on a flight with a man who won’t stop shouting “EL DIABLO” to a harrowing seven days on Rihanna’s 777 plane. But Pissing Contest isn’t about US. It’s about YOU. So tell your tales. We’re here to listen.

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Image via NBC/30 Rock.

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I am a bit phobic about air travel. I’m the spazzy person who white knuckles the arm rest and goes into meditative breathing anytime the captain mentions it’s time to buckle up because we have some turbulence ahead. But twice now I have been seated next to the only person on the plane who was more afraid to fly than I am and wanted to tell me ALLLLL about it.

First dude was shrimpy. Kinda harmless seeming. Told me he was afraid of flying and apologized for it. I told him I was too, so NBD. He brightened up. Told me stories and showed me pics of his elderly poodle Sammy who he was looking forward to getting home to until BAM! We hit some turbulence and I’m about to grab the armrest and close my eyes but before I can do it, motherfucker GRABS MY HAND and starts rocking and crying, wailing, “SAMMY I’M COMING HOME. SAMMY I’M COMING TO YOU. SAAAAAMMMMYYYY.” I was so mortified I almost wasn’t even scared, so I guess that’s one positive? But seriously when we got off the plane everyone was staring at me and him like we were together and I just wanted to melt into the floor. Sammy, you can keep him.

The second guy, before we even took off, turned to me with a crazy look in his eye and said, “Listen. Ignore me if I say some crazy stuff once we get up in the air, alright? Sometimes once we get going I just can’t control myself. I JUST DO THINGS.” I have never wanted an air marshal more in my life more than in that moment.