You Know What Color This Dress Is? 'FUCKING UGLY'

You know that thing in movies where people take a nap and the world ends while they’re doing it? Well, that happened today. Except when I woke up from my nap, a picture of a dress had been posted and now the world won’t fucking shut up about it. Is it Gold and White or Black and Blue? Does it really fucking matter? It’s HARDEOUS.

Here’s everyone freaking out about it on Tumblr:

Far be it from me to poo-poo viral content (I live for that shit, my friends), but there is absolutely nothing to get upset about here. Because the dress color doesn’t matter. What matters is that whoever designed the dress has gotten millions of people all over the globe to fight over a rag that even Lady Gaga wouldn’t wear in her most avant-garde moments. People are so upset about this dress, friends, that I am afraid that it will be the beginning of the next crusades with Bluesies and Goldies fighting each other in the name of color and murdering anyone who is not a believer in their cause.

I’ve looked at this dress for about ten minutes now, waiting for it to change color before my eyes so that I could write this post that my editor texted me to do and there are only two things I can come up with:

1. This dress’s color story is all sorts of fucked up.

2. The dress’s true color is “fucking ugly.”

I hope that settles it for you, Gawker and Gizmodo! Maybe we can all focus on something more important now, like the fact that seven guinea pigs were abandoned in San Francisco and need new homes. (I’m about to be fired for that, aren’t I?) (YOLO, MOTHERFUCKERS!) (YOLO!)

For the record, the dress is more a fucking ugly shade of gold and white than a fucking ugly shade of blue.