Wraps Are Bullshit, Eat a Sandwich Instead

Fuck wraps. They taste bad, and Big Carb continues to lie to good, honest people by associating wraps with “light eating.” You think eating a wrap for lunch is healthy? You are wrong, chump, and I’d love you to fight me about it.

Via GQ, experts reveal that wraps—which, again, always taste terrible—are a bad choice for two very important reasons. They’re often higher in calories than what they are ostensibly alternatives to, and they’re generally more processed to boot.

Take, for example, the Original 10-Inch Wrap from Mission (arguably the most ubiquitous wrap company, with products sold everywhere from big-box grocery stores to corner bodegas.) While the label says the wrap contains 0 grams of trans fat, the ingredient list boasts “hydrogenated soybean oil,” which is to be avoided. The wrap also has 580 mg of sodium, while two slices of whole wheat bread typically fall between 200 and 300 grams.

In addition, even if the wrap itself isn’t higher in calories, it’s usually so big that the calories from the bread don’t matter—they’re being made up for in extra fillings and condiments. More room to stuff things in means four more spoonfuls of mayo in your lunch. Mission’s people refer to wraps as “innovative on-the-go sandwich masterpieces,” but I refer to them as more proof that the world is not to be trusted.

I have suffered from wrap delusion myself—wraps are often listed in the vegetarian portion of the menu and offered as “healthy alternatives”—and I am distraught over the fact that I could’ve just been stuffing my face with sandwich bread all this time. If I could take all those wraps back, I certainly would.

Carrie Jennis, a dietitian and health educator, tells GQ that those considering a wrap for lunch should make sure to “go right to the ingredients” both at home and when you’re eating out:

“The first ingredient should be ‘whole.’ Whole wheat flour, whole rye flour. This ensures you are eating a whole grain product. This means that you are getting the fiber, minerals, and nutrients normally found in the actual grain before processing. The other ingredient to look for, so you can avoid it, is hydrogenated oils.”

But even with a whole-grain product, wraps tend to have a natural taste of “tightly packed insulation that should have been replaced before someone died in the house and wasn’t found for months.” So companies that mass-produce them load them with salt to make them more palatable; sometimes wraps have twice the salt as a piece of bread. That means every time you bite into one of these soggy abominations and spill fillings all over your lap, your blood pressure goes up instantly. We shouldn’t be sacrificing our happiness like this, especially not for a wrap. It’s time to take back lunch. Eat a loaf of Dutch Crunch today in rebellion.