Jack Dorsey is a bearded man who is in charge of Twitter and also bad. Mark Zuckerberg is a smooth-faced man who is in charge of Facebook and also bad. Jezebel recently learned that once upon a time, Mark Zuckerberg killed a pet goat with a laser gun and a knife, then fed the goat to Jack Dorsey. Because of this nightmare come to life, we wondered: would we have sex with Jack Dorsey or Mark Zuckerberg or would we choose a different kind of petit mort—early death?
The laser-goat-knife-meal in question came from an interview Dorsey did with Rolling Stone. Here it is, in its entirety, for your consideration:
What was your most memorable encounter with Zuckerberg?
Well, there was a year when he was only eating what he was killing. He made goat for me for dinner. He killed the goat.
In front of you?
No. He killed it before. I guess he kills it. He kills it with a laser gun and then the knife. Then they send it to the butcher.
A . . . laser gun?
I don’t know. A stun gun. They stun it, and then he knifed it. Then they send it to a butcher. Evidently in Palo Alto there’s a rule or regulation that you can have six livestock on any lot of land, so he had six goats at the time. I go, “We’re eating the goat you killed?” He said, “Yeah.” I said, “Have you eaten goat before?” He’s like, “Yeah, I love it.” I’m like, “What else are we having?” “Salad.” I said, “Where is the goat?” “It’s in the oven.” Then we waited for about 30 minutes. He’s like, “I think it’s done now.” We go in the dining room. He puts the goat down. It was cold. That was memorable. I don’t know if it went back in the oven. I just ate my salad.
The only thing appealing thing about either of these men is their vast wealth. Both are scions of Silicon Valley whose platforms and obscene wealth are irreparably damaging for the world at large; both are also dead-eyed creepos who probably can’t fuck. Jack Dorsey certainly has a sex swing or three and Mark Zuckerberg might be the closest thing to fucking a sentient vibrator. Is death the only answer to this terrible question?
The Jezebel staff weighs in:
Stassa Edwards: Would You One of These Guys or Death
Megan Reynolds: a tough one!!
Stassa Edwards: It’s a hard choice because I have student debt. But death would also fix that.
Hazel Cills: Wait, do we get paid for it.
Lisa Fischer: If I met Jack randomly on the street and he didn’t do the Twitter thing, I would def.