Jack Dorsey is a bearded man who is in charge of Twitter and also bad. Mark Zuckerberg is a smooth-faced man who is in charge of Facebook and also bad. Jezebel recently learned that once upon a time, Mark Zuckerberg killed a pet goat with a laser gun and a knife, then fed the goat to Jack Dorsey. Because of this nightmare come to life, we wondered: would we have sex with Jack Dorsey or Mark Zuckerberg or would we choose a different kind of petit mort—early death?

The laser-goat-knife-meal in question came from an interview Dorsey did with Rolling Stone. Here it is, in its entirety, for your consideration:

What was your most memorable encounter with Zuckerberg?

Well, there was a year when he was only eating what he was killing. He made goat for me for dinner. He killed the goat.

In front of you?

No. He killed it before. I guess he kills it. He kills it with a laser gun and then the knife. Then they send it to the butcher.

A . . . laser gun?

I don’t know. A stun gun. They stun it, and then he knifed it. Then they send it to a butcher. Evidently in Palo Alto there’s a rule or regulation that you can have six livestock on any lot of land, so he had six goats at the time. I go, “We’re eating the goat you killed?” He said, “Yeah.” I said, “Have you eaten goat before?” He’s like, “Yeah, I love it.” I’m like, “What else are we having?” “Salad.” I said, “Where is the goat?” “It’s in the oven.” Then we waited for about 30 minutes. He’s like, “I think it’s done now.” We go in the dining room. He puts the goat down. It was cold. That was memorable. I don’t know if it went back in the oven. I just ate my salad.

The only thing appealing thing about either of these men is their vast wealth. Both are scions of Silicon Valley whose platforms and obscene wealth are irreparably damaging for the world at large; both are also dead-eyed creepos who probably can’t fuck. Jack Dorsey certainly has a sex swing or three and Mark Zuckerberg might be the closest thing to fucking a sentient vibrator. Is death the only answer to this terrible question?

The Jezebel staff weighs in:

Stassa Edwards: Would You One of These Guys or Death

Megan Reynolds: a tough one!!

Stassa Edwards: It’s a hard choice because I have student debt. But death would also fix that.

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Hazel Cills: Wait, do we get paid for it.

Lisa Fischer: If I met Jack randomly on the street and he didn’t do the Twitter thing, I would def.

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Hazel Cills: No, definitely not.

Kelly Faircloth: Jack looks like modern Mel Gibson. And I do not care for it.

Hazel Cills: Why is Mark’s hair like this? Is he afraid to shave it bc it will complete his villain look?

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Evil laugh.
Image: Getty

Kelly Faircloth: I feel like Mark is ultimately more normal, and so if I had to, I’d fuck the Harvard man, because Jack would get weird in the wrong way.

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Megan Reynolds: Jack, despite being two feet tall, might be better at fucking?

Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: I would choose death, no question. I would literally rather die than fuck either of these two.

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Lisa Fischer: I choose Jack over death, but death over Mark.

Katie McDonough: Go with Zuck get preg and live off it.

Kelly Faircloth: Man I wanna live.

Stassa Edwards: I’d flip a coin and whisper a prayer.

Hazel Cills: I def agree that Jack would be weirder in the worst way.

Katie McDonough: Jack would be like “I just read a book about elongating my dick through meditation and heavy doses of milk let’s see how this goes.”

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Stassa Edwards: I’m sorry but Mark would stare at you the whole time. Eyes open.

Hazel Cills: I hate this convo...

Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: Hazel... do u wanna write the would u?

Hazel Cills: No. Absolutely not.

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Last time on Would U?, we asked: Would you have sex with Johny Johny Yes Papa? 37.76 percent answered “No, this is a literal cartoon”; 25.74 percent said “1000% Dat ‘stache”; 14.91 percent said “Exclusively after a long night at the club”; and 14.49 percent responded “Uh, where’s mama (I’m mama).” Congrats!