Meet Papa: a poorly-drawn CGI character and father of Johny in the nightmarish YouTube nursery rhyme series Johny Johny Yes Papa, created by user Billion Surprise Toys. He’s got a great mustache, perfectly sculpted eyebrows, naturally-highlighted hair that would make would make any daddy jealous and now, a brand-new audience courtesy of this series of Twitter memes, which have gained traction as of late. In them, Johny wants sugar and Papa says no. Sometimes Papa busts a few moves reminiscent of Beyoncé’s dance in “Single Ladies.” Someone dropped the link in our Slack, and the question was raised: would we have sex with Johny’s father, Papa?
As someone who has never found hentai or any sort of animated porn something to really rev my engine, so to speak, I find it surprising that Papa is kinda attractive. Is it a combination of physical flexibility, attentive parenting, and dat ‘stache? Does that do it for everyone? Anyone? Is he actually hot, or is he a helicopter parent obsessed with making his huge-headed boss baby lead a sugar-free existence? Is he actually a dick? And if so, does that somehow make him more (or less) fuckable?
The Jezebel staff weighs in:
Harron Walker: The boy is not mine.
Ashley Reese: No, I’m calling Child Protective Services RE: Papa.
Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: Can I get a pic or link to his hottest pic and then I’ll tell u?
Hazel Cills: My answer is NO.
Maria Sherman: WOULD U PAPA? I would.
Kelly Faircloth: Absolutely not because AI is boring.
Maria Sherman: Please visit buff Papa in the ice cream vid for more:
Megan Reynolds: I would because he seems fun and a little dangerous because his head might pop off during it and then what?
Harron Walker: I’d say, “no no no” but honestly? I’m telling lies.
Hazel Cills: I would not because why is so rude to Johny? Who cares what’s in his mouth!
Hazel Cills: He seems controlling.
Megan Reynolds: [winky face]
Hazel Cills: That’s my take.
Clover Hope: What is this dad lookin’ like?
Harron Walker: Dads with mustaches let you sit on their face…………I feel.
Megan Reynolds: Let’s isolate a hot photo of papa so no one has to watch the vid.
Megan Reynolds: Harron, babe, all right.
Hazel Cills: No anyone who answers has to watch the vid.
Clover Hope: I’m not feeling the stache.
Megan Reynolds: Yeah, sorry, fuck.
Clover Hope: God.
Megan Reynolds: Still gon’ hit it.
Ashley Reese: The dance moves.
Harron Walker: Jesus Fucking Christ.
Harron Walker: Hey, Johny, I’m your mom now.
Clover Hope: He seems like he’d be a fun time but I’m not feeling the stache and it seems like he’d have too much fun.
Ashley Reese: I really don’t like all the mouth opening with this cartoon. The dog one was worse! Who is making these fetish vids????
Clover Hope: He just looks like a creep with perfect eyebrows.
Maria Sherman: He’s a concerned parent! I respect (and would bone) him.
Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: Okay. After watching this ice cream video I would NOT have sex with the dad because of the stache and he’s wearing a HENLEY. But I would def buy LSD from this dude.
Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: He’s clearly The Plug.
Megan Reynolds: Dad is the plug, unfortch.
Megan Reynolds: Dad’s got really good molly.
Maria Sherman: That would explain these vids.
Maria Sherman: I still would???
Last time on Would U?, we asked: Would you have sex with the Phillie Phanatic? 35.78% answered “Yes, if we could go to Wawa after”; 23.54% said “No, I don’t trust Philadelphians”; 22.06% said “Yes! Dat tongue”; 16.62% said “No, I’m not interested in rug burn; 1% said “Other,” which is the most terrifying choice of them all.