Welcome to Would U?, an academic forum in which I share my gross crush of the week and ask if you, too, would bang that person.
The Internet has been lit ablaze over Paul Mason, a Canadian model with a jolly white beard who is currently making appearances as “Fashion Santa” at Toronto’s Yorkdale Shopping Center.
Here is 2015’s sexiest Santa with some fans, in a layered, understated spin on the traditional Santa suit:
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Here he is pre-makeout:
Here he is on the cover of a magazine:
Here he is brushing his teeth:
Here he is with no pants on:
Wow! I mean, who doesn’t want to fuck Santa in general, right? He’s already in your living room, and he is really good with animals! “Santa’s younger brother—the thinner version,” as Fashion Santa refers to himself, would therefore seem like a no-brainer, but the Jezebel staff has some qualms:
Anna Merlan: Hm
Anna: Yeah dude
Jia Tolentino: No
Kate Dries: Would he be wearing the Santa thing
Kelly Faircloth: Nope
Joanna Rothkopf: Could I shave his beard
Me: That’s between you and him
Kate Dries: Ummmmm, maybe
Kate: It depends on the circumstances
Jia: I have an anti-Santa thing
Jia: Can I see his dick first
Anna: The way he’s dragging that tree makes him appear sexually competent
Emma Carmichael: I...
Jia: This is my strongest no of the entire series
Anna: Stronger than Ted Cruz huh Jia
Jia: Mayyybe yeah
Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: He looks like the kind of East Village guy who, you go to his house and there’s an arsenal of guns in his apartment and he has cardboard over all the windows
Julianne: (NOT THAT THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME)
Madeleine Davies: Would without the beard
Madeleine: Wouldn’t with the beard
Joanna: Yeah I would w/o beard, w/o Santa references
Jia: I like hate Santa
Kate: I can see having a little too much punch and feeling festive...
Joanna: Christmas spirit is hot Santa’s biggest aphrodisiac I bet
Joanna: Picture him nude with just a long beard and hair
Kelly Faircloth: Honestly I would fuck a jolly fat grandpa Santa before fucking a sexy hip Santa
Kelly: Sexy hip Santa is trying too hard
Clover Hope: Santa’s a creep
Wow, turns out the war on Christmas is real! Would you allow this generous senior to investigate your chimney?
Last time on Would U?, we asked: Would you have sex with the newly-bearded Paul Ryan? 47% answered “No, I would never have sex with Paul Ryan,” 30% said “Yes, his beard changed everything,” 19% said “Yes, I would have sex with any version of Paul Ryan,” and 4% said “No, that beard would give me a rash.”
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Image via screenshot/Giphy; animation by Bobby Finger.