Meet Papa: a poorly-drawn CGI character and father of Johny in the nightmarish YouTube nursery rhyme series Johny Johny Yes Papa, created by user Billion Surprise Toys. He’s got a great mustache, perfectly sculpted eyebrows, naturally-highlighted hair that would make would make any daddy jealous and now, a brand-new…
The Phillie Phanatic, the Philadelphia Phillies’ (baseball) mascot, is six feet, six inches and 300 pounds of “mostly fat,” covered in green fur. According to his official biography, he has “clumsy feet, extra long beak, extra-long curled up tongue, gawking neck, and ‘slight’ case of body odor.” On Thursday, Jezebel…
If you’re looking for signs that the promised dystopian future is quickly becoming the dystopian now, one iceberg-sized clue is that the sex partners of tomorrow will be lifelike sex robots, designed to spice up your withering marriage or simply just to help you get off. And while there are pressing issues surrounding …
As Guillermo del Toro’s The Shape of Water churns through the awards circuit, an unanswered question has been left lingering in the air, swirling and winking around like a constellation of magical blue lights. Would you bang the fish guy?
HuffPost senior reporter Ashley Feinberg has published a recent playlist Ivanka Trump made on Spotify, which is comprised of five sad songs that hint strongly of bedroom death, premature ejaculation, and half-hearted dry humping. These include John Legend’s “All of Me” and “Ordinary People,” “When I Was Your Man” by…
The Queens home where Donald Trump lived for the first four years of his life is available to rent on AirBnB. You can enjoy many activities while on vacation in the Jamaica Estates neighborhood, but the location touts that this was where our animated cheese curd president was likely conceived, which made us wonder:…
PICTURE THIS, OKAY? YOU ARE FRIGGIN’ 3 FEET DEEP IN THE MOST GORGEOUS HOT TUB IN MANHASSET, GULPING VINO WITH A BUSINESSMAN, A RECENTLY SEPARATED HUSBAND, THE OWNER OF A BEAUTIFUL AND VERY HIGH-END PAIR OF WOMEN’S SUNGLASSES (CLASSY), A FUCKING ICON—ANTHONY “THE MOOCH” SCARAMUCCI, THE GODDAMN COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR…
Please: light a candle, lean back, and close your eyes. You are standing on a beach adjacent to a Sandals resort, dehydrated and frantically looking for the inhaler stored inside your missing luggage. A crowd of angry millennials swarms nearby. Above the horde, a sweaty, dark-haired figure emerges, balancing atop an…
Last weekend, Senator Tim Kaine’s youngest son, Linwood “Woody” Kaine, was pepper sprayed and arrested with five other people during a protest at the Minnesota state Capitol building in which they were suspected of setting off a smoke bomb. He kinda looks like Kurt Russell in Escape from New York. (Right?) So, I asked…
Jane Austen gifted us all with the romantic character of Mr. Darcy, a brooding yet honorable man who is simply described as a “fine, tall person” with “handsome features, noble mien.” We were all able to fill in the blanks from there according to our preferences (coughColinFirthInAPondcough). No more.
As protests mount across the UK in reaction to Trump’s Muslim ban, a petition to prevent Trump from making an official state visit recently reached over 1.25 million signatures, many times over the amount needed to trigger a debate in Parliament. Although Downing Street confirmed that Prime Minister Theresa May would…
Times Square hallmark Robert Burck, 46, also known as the Naked Cowboy, was born in Cincinnati, loves Donald Trump, wears underpants around everywhere, ran for president in 2012 as a member of the Tea Party, and thinks he is sexy.
Sometimes, a Would U topic is not the choice of the Would Writer. Sometimes, a Would U topic is the result of a populist uprising on intra-office messenger Slack, in which the Would Writer’s colleagues come at her like a swarm of barbaric hornbots and demand that she ask our readers if, say, they would fuck Donald…
Out of two beloved judges and two beloved hosts, only judge Paul Hollywood—hyper-masculine, exacting, crispy-of-hair—opted to move with The Great British Bake Off from BBC to the dreaded Channel 4. Britain, as far as I can tell, remains in an uproar. Would you let him fold your flaky pastry?
The New York Times Real Estate section has found its latest hapless victim, and it is a 25-year-old Brooklyn resident and “pop/minimalist composer” named Jack Leahy who willingly pays $450 a month to live in a crawl space in which he cannot stand up. Would you have sex with someone who lives in a crawl space, in the…
PHILADELPHIA—I was trailing a herd of dehydrated socialists down Arch Street when it was brought to my attention, via the group messaging app Slack, that Tim Kaine used to be really hot.
Steph Curry and his Golden State Warriors made the Cleveland Cavaliers look like a kiddie league team in Game 2 of the NBA Finals on Sunday night, beating them in a manner that impressed one particular woman in the stands. So, quick question...
A seller on the New Zealand auction site Trade Me is offering an erotic eggplant for sale. As of this morning, the bidding is at over $100.
I know, rude. But I only ask because of this Indiegogo campaign, which popped up on the internet on March 24 and promises to, well see for yourself:
