Willie Nelson Quits Smoking Weed the Same Day Hell Freezes Over

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It’s the end of an era in the United States of America. As a mournful sky slowly gathers above New York City, and snow begins to blanket everything around us, please lower all flags to half mast. Then, gather all your friends and loved ones and light a blunt with them, because Willie Nelson isn’t smoking weed anymore!

In a recently surfaced interview with local San Antonio, Texas news station KSAT, Willie Nelson revealed that his favorite pastime has been phased out of his life. When asked about his relationship to marijuana at 86, Nelson says: “I have abused my lungs quite a bit in the past, so breathing is a little more difficult these days and I have to be careful. I started smoking cedar bark, went from that to cigarettes to whatever. And that almost killed me.” Because of this, Nelson has also abandoned weed. Bummer!

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KSAT also asked Nelson how he feels about rumors that his health problems might suggest he is “near death.” Nelson, in response, says “I don’t give a fuck, I’m here, I’m glad to be here.” Me too, dude! Now, may I please suggest edibles instead? I know some pretty amazing recipes, and it’s much better for your lungs and skin!

I’d also like to know: Was it smoking weed, or smoking tree bark, that almost killed you? The latter seems much more hardcore, or at least, I’ll tell myself that as I light a joint tonight in your honor. And when I am eventually 86, and must stop smoking because my 3-D printed lung has malfunctioned, maybe the world will have ended, and there won’t be any weed to smoke anyway! That, or the science of edibles will have far-surpassed the limits of human understanding. I’d gladly take either outcome! [KSAT]

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In 2020, I would like celebrities to stop apologizing when they say something correct. Generally, extremely famous people should say what they mean, and stick to it! (I also want them to stop promoting their products when talking about “activism,” but that’s a whale I’ll probably chase until death.)

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Anyway, Jason Momoa has apologized to Hillsong spokesperson Chris Pratt for pointing out his plastic water bottle in a recent Instagram gym selfie. Who the audience is for “Chris Pratt gym selfies” is unclear; regardless, Momoa commented: “Bro, I love u but wtf on the water bottle. no single use plastic. Come on.” Pratt’s fans, horny from the selfie and eager to please their overlord despite Momoa’s obviously correct stance, lashed out at the actor. Because of this, he has now issued said apology. The circle of Pratt’s buffoonery continues!

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However, this is not to exalt Momoa for standing up against single use plastics. In his Instagram post, he also promotes his own brand of “recyclable” tin-can water: MANANALU. The lizard part of my brain—the section most melted by this job—thinks that he made his original comment so that he could eventually insert his own water can company into the narrative. The part of me that’s still human thinks that this is just the way rich people with businesses think activism means. With my two selves locked in such a logic puzzle death match, I’ll let the reader decide which seems more likely. In the meantime, please watch Momoa’s water can commercial. It’s... something! [ET]


Here’s what it looks like when Armie Hammer drinks from a goat’s udder, I guess.

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