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Which One of These New Chipotle Bowls Will Make Me Ill?

Illustration for article titled Which One of These New Chipotle Bowls Will Make Me Ill?
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Chipotle, blessed kingdom of fake tacos, is introducing new diet-friendly bowls in an effort to bring in new diners. But all I want to know is, which one of them will make me violently ill?

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CNN reports that the bowl offerings, which come now long after the chain began experimenting with a quesadilla, are geared towards the joyless weirdos in your life who are on diets like Whole30, Keto, or Paleo. These bowls include:

Whole30 Salad Bowl: Romaine lettuce, carnitas, fajita veggies, tomato salsa and guacamole

Paleo Salad Bowl: Romaine lettuce, barbacoa, fajita veggies, green salsa and guacamole

Keto Salad Bowl: Romaine lettuce, carnitas, red salsa, cheese and guacamole

Double Protein Bowl: White rice, black beans, chicken (full portion), steak (full portion), red salsa, romaine lettuce and sour cream

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None of them, so far, seem to contain explicit ingredients that will make me sick, like, I don’t know, rat feces. But considering Chipotle has weathered several E. coli breakouts in the past few years, even retraining all of its employees last year, I can’t be sure any one of these won’t surprise me with a steady stream of vomiting and/or diarrhea that will make me long for death or at least a chance to go back in time and take the carnitas off my order.

But, hey, that’s a risk I’m willing to take. See you at Chipotle!

Pop Culture Reporter, Jezebel

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DISCUSSION

So basically, they aren’t really “introducing” anything. They’re just telling you that you can customize their existing menu to meet your dietary needs?