Which One of These New Chipotle Bowls Will Make Me Ill?

Chipotle, blessed kingdom of fake tacos, is introducing new diet-friendly bowls in an effort to bring in new diners. But all I want to know is, which one of them will make me violently ill?

CNN reports that the bowl offerings, which come now long after the chain began experimenting with a quesadilla, are geared towards the joyless weirdos in your life who are on diets like Whole30, Keto, or Paleo. These bowls include:

Whole30 Salad Bowl: Romaine lettuce, carnitas, fajita veggies, tomato salsa and guacamole

Paleo Salad Bowl: Romaine lettuce, barbacoa, fajita veggies, green salsa and guacamole

Keto Salad Bowl: Romaine lettuce, carnitas, red salsa, cheese and guacamole

Double Protein Bowl: White rice, black beans, chicken (full portion), steak (full portion), red salsa, romaine lettuce and sour cream

None of them, so far, seem to contain explicit ingredients that will make me sick, like, I don’t know, rat feces. But considering Chipotle has weathered several E. coli breakouts in the past few years, even retraining all of its employees last year, I can’t be sure any one of these won’t surprise me with a steady stream of vomiting and/or diarrhea that will make me long for death or at least a chance to go back in time and take the carnitas off my order.