It’s difficult for many of us to survive in this post-Oprah world. She’s been relegated to a channel only our grandparents – who were coerced into their extra-super-duper cable package – receive. She’s not telling us how to live our lives the way she used to. Since abandoning the common folk to preside over a new kingdom, Oprah left a hole in the chain of power that seemingly thousands have desperately tried to fill. The good thing is that there are so many of people eagerly stepping up to tell women exactly how to live their lives. It has truly never been a better time to be a middle-aged white woman because there are so many middle-aged white women out there to tell you how to do it.
If you like filling your mind with mindless drivel around mid-morning, you’ll like The View
The View is the wacky behemoth of morning group talk shows. Created by Barbara Walters because she “always wanted to do a show with women of different generations, backgrounds and views…And in a perfect world, I’d get to join the group whenever I wanted,” the panel of ladies sitting around a table became a model that has not yet managed to be duplicated in the same way. While The View might appear to be far trashier now than it was when it began, it was truly only Meredith Vieira and Walters who held it up to any sort of standard. It follows a traditional organizational pattern, but the true devotion by the rotating panel of women to blabbing about “Hot Topics” at the beginning of every episode is what has truly allowed some of the most ridiculous, ill-informed and nonsensical things to be passed off as “information” on television.
If you’re into lesbians and irrationally despise Leah Remini, you should watch The Talk
The Talk was a clear View ripoff from the get-go, but with edge; in one season premiere, the women went “make-up free.” It sort of felt like the show was some sort of gift to moderator Julie Chen, whose husband Leslie Moonves is the head of CBS, but The Talk was actually created by Sara Gilbert, a weird switch from her days on Roseanne. They like to do craaaZyy things like watch the Casey Anthony verdict live and have the audience see their reactions. Stunning performances, even now that former Scientologist Leah Remini was fired.If you’re a woman of color who wants to keep your weave in while getting REAL, watch The Real
Featuring Tamar Braxton, Tamera Mowry-Housley, Loni Love, Jeannie Mai and Adrienne Bailon, this diverse cast is for all those minorities out there, a fact that’s strikingly obvious because everything on the set is purple. These women talk about normal things, like how to give oneself a “vajaycial” which is a thing, apparently. Here is a sample discussion on John Mayer and Katy Perry:Tamera: But, have you guys seen John Mayer in concert? I have, and he’s sexy.
Jeannie: It’s magical.
Tamar: He’s sexy, but…
Adrienne: His body ain’t no wonderland.
Tamar: Yeah, but what’s not sexy is when you break up with someone and you ask for the ring back. It’s like that’s not cute. That’s not sexy.
Tamera: I agree with that, I agree.
Loni: And I was done with John Mayer when he did that interview and he said that black girls don’t make his wee wee go up. I was done with him. Remember that? Remember when he said that? Yeah, he said that.
Adrienne: To just make a statement like that such a broad statement, you’re doing a lot.
Revelatory.
If you’re a masochist with a not-so-secret alcoholism problem, you should watch Today with Kathie Lee and Hoda
Hoda, Hoda, Hoda, the internet cries. What is a Peabody-award-winning journalist doing getting drunk and letting Kathie Lee, a woman who left a show with her own name on it because she knew she was was too obnoxious, make YOU feel stupid. These women basically hate each other, disguising that hatred as playful bickering. Kathie Lee openly despises Hoda’s actual smarts, while Hoda doesn’t seem to understand how she’s raking in a paycheck to sit next to a woman who once managed to trick her into revealing what kind of pubic hair she sports. When Hoda and Kathie Lee got their ownSaturday Night Live parody, SNL did the pair justice, but they’re so good IRL that it almost felt weak, which might be the biggest compliment you can give them.
If you’re the kind of person who gets off on flirt-fighting with your significant other in public much to the chagrin of everyone around you, enjoy Live! with Kelly and Michael
Kelly’s lucky: she is SO much more entertaining than Kathie Lee, her predecessor on this program. Despite being teeny-tiny and sporting a somewhat shrill voice, Kelly basically grabbed the mantel of morning talk away from Regis, who blinkingly looked at her with his decrept eyes and claimed it was really he who wanted to retire. These days, Kelly’s got someone who can really stand up to her: Michael Strahan, a partner who proves that we really have accomplished something through civil rights, as it wasn’t that long ago that a black man talking to a white woman would have resulted in some swinging bodies in trees. There’s nothing quite campy enough about the two of them to be notable, but they seem nice.If your life is dull and you want to live vicariously through pseudo-real cheating scenarios while pretending to educate yourself, you should have watched The Ricki Lake Show
Known originally for her show Ricki Lake which basically displayed Lake as a female Maury (“Girlfriend, I’ve Slept With Your Man And I’ll Do It Again And Again!“), Lake has now gotten some “serious” cred because of her documentary The Business of Being Born, thus allowing her to edge closer to that wishy-washy journalism line for her second try at daytime talk. While Lake attempted to gain the Oprah crown with her short-lived series, she still advocated for her projects, like when she had Amber Rose on to discuss Rose and husband Wiz Khalifa’s desire for a natural birthing plan for their son Sebastian. In typical Lake style, her guests manage to walk the line between actual serious topic and borderline farce: “My midwife was like, listen, go to the doctor, get an ultrasound, confirm that he is breech,” says Rose in her interview, which includes pre-taped segments with Khalifa seriously discussing how watching The Business of Being Born changed his life.If your favorite part of Anderson Cooper is not his penis but his friendship with Andy Cohen, you should catch Anderson Live in reruns
Anderson Cooper’s burgeoning Twitter presence seemed enough of a reason for him to switch to daytime talk from Hard News™ – plus like of course audiences would want more of their favorite Silver Fox (also ™). The cult following behind his segment on CNN “The Ridiculist” did a nice job paving the way for Cooper to cover lighter fare, but no matter how many fantastic times he trotted out his mother Gloria Vanderbilt to talk about her new erotica novel, viewers just didn’t buy Anderson’s particular form of gay BFF. That’s a crying shame, because his show was actually kind of good; he tackled topics like the loss of a loved one while also getting his “eye cleavage” (breaking: not a thing) filled.-
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