There are few things nicer in this world than losing one to two hours falling down the rabbit hole of Architectural Digest’s home tours, a beautiful YouTube series in which very famous people walk a camera crew through their well-appointed homes. While others might find the display of opulence maddening, I view it as instructive: I will never be able to afford many of the items the famous people own, but I can certainly take notes.
Never did I think that my platonic ideal of a home would be the giant manse that Delevingne inhabits somewhere in beautiful Los Angeles, but this year is already full of surprises. Still, one pressing question lingers: Where in this palatial home does Cara Delevingne keep her sex bench?
The sex bench in question cost $450 and was last spotted in its box, being moved into the home that Delevingne and Ashley Benson—my favorite of the Pretty Little Liars—shared when they dated in 2019. I have not seen hide nor hair of it since its arrival. Follow me on a journey through the many rooms of Delevingne’s vast home as we hunt for it.
After watching this 14 minute-long video, I have a lot of inspiration for what I can do with my home (on a limited budget), and the sinking feeling that Delevingne has certainly micro-dosed mushrooms and gone to Meow Wolf in Santa Fe at least twice.
“I’m inspired by Hugh Hefner,” she says as she gestures towards a mint-condition Playboy pinball machine, placed in and around the transparent, color-changing Wurlitzer piano, which Delevingne says she normally plays in the nude. The floors on the main floor are hard on the feet, and so she has a pink Razr scooter that she uses to get from living room to kitchen and back. Her “shoe cupboard” is the size of my kitchen (which is large for New York City), and is full of “trainers,” save for the scant pairs of “stripper heels,” which, Delevingne informs the viewers, are actually quite comfortable. Her bedroom is mostly purple, her kitchen navy blue, the wallpaper Gucci. So far, so good, but where on earth is the sex bench?
In her drawing room, which is full of velvet and plants and mirrors, behind a custom panel, there is a vagina tunnel, which Delevingne claims is the source of her inspiration and her creativity. It is where she goes to have a think. Highly reminiscent of Janelle Monae’s pussy pants, the tunnel is an entryway to a crawlspace that spits you out into a guest bedroom.
To exit the vagina tunnel, one must crawl out through a washing machine which is located in the aforementioned guest room and to me, feels like a direct rip-off of the washing machine at Meow Wolf, which—if memory serves—acts as the entrance to the entire experience. (It’s also a good place to tell your friend, who is maybe a little too high on edibles, to meet at after an hour or so, but it will be impossible to find.)
But back to the sex bench. Unfortunately, the sex bench is not in the vagina tunnel, because the vagina tunnel looks like it can only accommodate one 5'8 model and one of her small dogs at a time. However, another secret door hidden behind a bookshelf in the billiards room leads to the upstairs of the home, which is the “fun” part. There’s a poker room. There’s a wall of hats, which many of the guests that have visited claim for their own. There’s a costume cupboard. Here is Cara Delevingne wearing an item from the former and the latter as she contemplates life’s rich pageant:
Frustratingly, we arrive upstairs to find that the poker room bears no trace of the sex bench. The same goes for the aforementioned hat wall and the costume cupboard.
“If you can, everyone needs to have a ball pit in the near vicinity,” Delevingne says, before pulling back a red velvet curtain to reveal, um, a ball pit. Personally, I feel that this would be a great place for the sex bench, but from what I can tell, it’s not there. However, behind another hidden door lies the most logical place for the sex bench to live: “I call this the pink room,” Delevingne says, though the room in question is not pink, but beige. “Or the pussy palace?”
Now we’re cooking with gas! This room was CLEARLY the orgy room in this house’s first iteration—a Hefner-adjacent grotto situation, if I’m reading that blobby sunken “conversation” pit correctly. Imagine this room tiled, with water, with zero lights, and with, uh, sex, I guess, and now you see that the spiritual and likely physical home of the sex bench Cara Delevingne and Ashley Benson used at some point in their relationship.
I don’t know where the sex bench is, but it simply must be in here, neatly tucked away, if it’s anywhere at all.