America’s Youths are unusually endangered today, with a variety of societal and environmental factors threatening to really wreck their shit. Take a few minutes, turn your chair around Cool Teacher-style, and make the children and teens in your life aware of the following threats. That is, if they’re at home and not out oppressing each other or burglarizing homes for gold to make sweet grills.
Threat Perpetrator: Taco Bell
Threat Type: Boob
The fun-loving ladies of One Million Moms are back, and they’re very unhappy about the following Taco Bell ad, which implies that a tortilla-chip-studded piece of chicken might lead Grandma to show Grandpa her breasts:
One Million Moms is, reasonably, outraged, fuming in a press release that the ad is “tasteless:”
Even if the couple is supposed to be married, this ad is in poor taste. It would be something children would duplicate. Everyone knows children repeat what they see. This disgusting advertisement is airing during primetime when children are likely watching.
That couple is clearly not married, and I think we all know a late-in-life adulterous Taco Bell run when we see one. What’s more, you’ve wasted precious time reading this, and your children are probably out in some parking lot showing each other their chests right now. They can’t be saved. Let’s move on to the following danger destroying our youth:
Threat Perpetrator: Cosmopolitan
Threat Type: Porns
The National Center on Sexual Exploitation is the new name for Morality in Media, a group founded by a bunch of pastors in 1962 to battle against obscenity in culture, mostly by getting mad about pornography. They’ve succeeded. There’s no more porn. And so they’ve moved on to their newest foe, Cosmopolitan magazine, which they’re pretty sure is porn.
In a press release today, the NCSE announced a new site, CosmoHarmsMinors. Because it porn:
Despite Cosmopolitan’s claim that it targets adult women, it regularly features teen icons and even Disney stars on its sexually provocative covers to entice younger audiences,” said Dawn Hawkins, Executive Director of National Center on Sexual Exploitation (NCSE).
Hawkins noted that while the magazine has thus far avoided use of pornographic photos of the Hustler Magazine genre, its content is filled with pornographic essays, drawings depicting sex acts, and other salacious material so that it fits more in the category of a porn magazine that a women’s magazine.
Hawkins added, “Cosmopolitan Magazine has declined from a somewhat inspirational women’s magazine to a pornographic “how-to” sex guide, glamorizing topics such as group, anal, public, or violent sex acts in nearly all of their issues.”
Cosmopolitan Magazine is currently accessible to children and thus it is helping to desensitize girls to accept and participate in the pornified culture around them, Hawkins noted. The articles, she said, pique the curiosity of vulnerable girls encouraging experimentation with the risky sex.
The NCSE wants Cosmo to be wrapped in black plastic like a porn magazine. Victoria Hearst, whose family owns the Hearst Corporation, Cosmo’s publisher, has also jumped on board, alleging that Cosmo contains “graphic adult sexual material that, under most States’ Material Harmful to Minors laws, is deemed pornographic.” She does look really upset:
The NCSE has collected evidence of Cosmo’s porniness (under the “Proof” section). It includes — and we are completely serious here — photos of the naked butts of Troll dolls, stick figures demonstrating sex poses, and a smiling woman in polka dot underwear and a winter scarf, for some reason, urging you to “Feel More Pleasure Now!”
But filth like this has been seeping into the minds of our children since the ‘60s, to the point where we’re all basically just a bunch of nude, sex-addled, pleasure-loving troll dolls waving our naked butts at the world. All hope is gone. Perhaps we’ll have better luck battling the next threat...
Threat Perpetrator: Teen Internet
Threat Type: Lip
Despite our dire warnings, very dumb teens are continuing to wound their lips to look more like Kylie Jenner. Even Kylie has weighed in to remind teens not to pursue the look she managed to achieve so effortlessly:
Nonetheless, the Kylie Jenner challenge limps along, spawning a new hashtag, #KylieJennerChallengeGoneWrong. A lot of the photos in that hashtag are pictures of, like, skateboarding injuries and cleft palate surgery “before” photos, but some of these injuries are real and they are traumatic:
But look. Kylie Jenner lip-alikes have been sweeping the internet for two days, an eternity in teen-time, and it’s likely that by now everyone under 21 in your home has swollen lips, a bruised chin and a shellshocked expression. Leave them. It’s too late. Let’s move on to our greatest and final threat, the very real...
Threat Perpetrator: Snake
Threat Type: Snake
A Florida teenager is in the hospital in critical condition but recovering after trying to kiss his pet water moccasin. A friend of Austin Hatfield’s claims that the teenager tried to kiss the snake about 12 times, and on the 13th try, the reptile “struck back.”
“We (were) sitting in the kitchen,” the friend, James Belcher, told WESH in Orlando. “And he ran out of the room saying, ‘Hospital, hospital, now, now.’”
That one’s real. Don’t kiss snakes.
Image by Tara Jacoby, non snake-kisser