Image via Shutterstock.

On Friday, the New York Times reported that Harvey Weinstein’s love of cinema came second to his alleged love of harassing and assaulting women. Since that article and numerous follow-up reports (including an in-depth report from the New Yorker), we’ve embarked upon a national reckoning with our workplace practices. (A lot of us were doing that already, but if you’re new here, welcome.)

The media has its own problems with sexism and harassment—I don’t need a thinkpiece to tell me that. Especially at a place like Jezebel, it’s hard to ignore the omnipresence of misogynistic and hostile workplace cultures. Luckily, it’s a problem with an easy solution: regular conversations and trainings, better hiring practices, and constant unyielding vigilance. In other words—keep calling out and being subjected to inappropriate behavior until you die or are abducted by aliens with no “men” in their culture (the jackpot of alien abductions!).

Advertisement

But what if this easy solution sounds like a pain in the ass that shouldn’t really be my responsibility? What if I would like to take a sec or 3,000 to stop subjecting myself to a grotesque power imbalance, and opt-out of the whole conversation? What job is right for me?

Great question, Joanna. Thank you, Joanna. Let’s engage in some productive brainstorming. No bad ideas in brainstorming.

How about farming? You’ve always loved the outdoors and “food systems” whatever that frigging expression means. Think of hopping the next train to a bucolic area, teeming with fruit balls you can yank right off the tree finger; your neighbor a good-natured deer.

Advertisement

What’s that you say? Over 60 percent of women farmworkers said they’d been harassed on the job in a 2010 study? And a 2012 study said that nearly all of the 52 women surveyed had experienced some kind of assault, according to the New York Times? Yikes, okay, no farming. Farming stinks anyway, all those sunburns...

Image via NY TImes

Hmmm, think think, what is good? Good things, good times—SPORTS! Sure, you are weak as a baby and lazy as a famous teen but you can do a split. How about Gymnastics? Wait, not gymnastics.

Image via Deadspin

Surfing! That’s leisurely and water-based and kind of a job if you’re really good at it and you suspect you’d be really good at it; everyone is glowing and saluting Mother Gaia for the gnarly splash. Oh, you can’t get a sponsorship unless you’re a literal model and world class athlete, says HuffPost?

Image via HuffPost

Trucking? Cruisin’ down the 6969, blastin’ screech rock?

Image via Jezebel

Ah ha. What about the military? Discipline! Oh—

Image via Jezebel

Mining?

Image via Vice News.

Airplane host!

Image via Mashable

Taxi driver...

Image via Reuters

Food mothers???

Image via Slate

Sky looking...

Image via Nature

Other people look smart?!

Image via Fortune

Make up painter?????????????

Image via NOLA

Me enforce law?! ?!!

Image via American Lawyer

Libroryiy

Veterinarian .............

Image via NY Post

Ugh this is the entire list of careers in my career book that my handsy guidance counselor gifted me while he was driving me home from soccer practice. Please, someone get me a longer career book? Forget it! Who need work anyway? I’ll just unwind by jamming out to some tunes and sipping on a warm beer at a concert.

God damn it!!!!!

Image via Broadly