What Is This?

What do you see in the image above? Sad, old balls? The inside of a teratoma? My tummy after a long weekend? Haggis? The pink goop from Ghostbusters II? Yes, and also no—it’s the hideous neck region of one of the turkeys awaiting presidential pardon.

Corn and Cob, the two turkeys selected to participate in this hideous annual tradition, are currently awaiting their fate in the Willard Hotel, as turkeys do every year. You’d think that during a pandemic, the inconsequential ceremony of a fake “pardon” for two hideous animals would be canceled, but that is simply not how this administration does anything, ever. And so! Here we are. Corn and Cob, two literal turkeys, sit in a room waiting for a fate they’re too stupid to fully understand.

According to the White House’s Twitter account, Corn likes college football and storm chasing while Cob prefers pickleball and puzzles. I’m sure there’s something in here about how one turkey is a red state turkey and the other, blue, but I haven’t the energy to make that joke, nor do I think it’s actually true! So, there you have it. The turkeys are just like us—awaiting their fate, which is in the hands of a buffoon who has fucked up everything he’s touched. Happy Thanksgiving.