MY NEW MANS LOOKS GOOD AS HELL
Image: Getty

Earlier this afternoon, the Jezebel staff weighed the serious and ultimately very disturbing moral quandary about whether or not we would fuck Mr. Peanut, a mascot who unfortunately passed away sometime this morning. The nature of the the initial discussion was rollicking and deeply perverted, and ultimately the only person who decided that they would let the nut hit was me, Jezebel’s resident sensuality correspondent and staff pervert. This was not surprising. What has been surprising, however, is the amount of discussion this Would U has produced after the fact.

To be clear: this content is not staff sponsored. Part of the joy of working at Jezebel is surrounding myself with a feral pack of women who are willing and able to discuss with intellectual rigor the physical and moral implications of fucking a mascot that does not appear to have a dick.

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My assumption after publishing the results of our depravity was that the staff would stop discussing the nut’s sexual prowess and that we would carry on with our day. However, after I checked the poll’s results, I discovered that the majority of our readers who chose to engage with this content have deigned to fuck the nut.

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An unexpected plot twist that I certainly did not anticipate! But money talks. Mr. Peanut, debonair and classy, wears a monocle and carries a cane. He has three fingers. The cane, from what I can tell, is decorative. What does he look like under the shell? What pops out when you crack that dusty, brittle exterior? Is it two nuts and one dick? A penis that resembles the look and mouthfeel of a boiled peanut purchased at a gas station? Or is it something else, more unexpected and tender—the chance at and the promise of real love?

My personal opinion is that Mr. Peanut is one hundred percent a closet freak who, as I stated last year in private, had a D that is tucked up in it, but he fucks. The revelation of the poll’s results led to a more considered and nuanced conversation that explored the depths of our fears, desires, and willingness to give anyone a shot, really.

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For the first time in Jezebel history, the Jezebel staff weighs in again:

Esther Wang: Just for the record i am a would for Mr Peanut.

Emily Alford: I’m a maybe. Like see where he would take me on a date. Does he have any interesting stories from the war? See how the night goes.

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Esther Wang: As I told Ashley, because he is the mascot for his dead brethren, so I am sure he is into some dark and kinky shit.

Clover Hope: I, for the record, would be a no.

Emily Alford: I would not go to Mr. Peanut’s sex dungeon. I would like that on the record.

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Kelly Faircloth: I mean, I guess he’s basically like... I mean, does he vibrate is my question.

Megan Reynolds: Kelly Louise. (If you find the button, I bet he does)

Clover Hope: Kelly, you are fired.

Kelly Faircloth: I’m not even a would, I just like to know all the angles. I like to have the COMPLETE PICTURE.

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Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: As a person who has said I would to virtually every single Would Uin existence... I have to say that I don’t see how sex with Mr. Peanut would physically get much further than frottage. Like, I would potentially do Mr. Peanut but I am not trying to just have a make-out/heavy petting. Where is Mr. Peanut’s d?

Megan: Julianne, remember I said last year, the D is tucked up in it, but he fucks.

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Kelly: Wait, does he like crack the shell. Bam. Dick?

Julianne: Then I probably would, but I need to know what’s under the top hat first.

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Megan: So yeah, I think you crack the shell and it’s a dick.

Julianne: What if it’s a Dr. Pimple Popper situation.

Emily: We are all overlooking the fact that Mr. Peanut has fingers.

Kelly: If it goes right down to it, he does carry the cane everywhere. And I don’t believe it’s for medical purposes.

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Megan: THAT’S THE SPIRIT.

Esther: Also it would be like a full body exfoliation, unless his body is soft like a candy peanut, which would also be nice.

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Kelly: At this point I’d give it a shot just to weigh in with a more educated sense. Maybe I WOULD let Mr. Peanut do depraved things to me in an 1884 Victorian flogging brothel.

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Kelly: Wow, we have an answer about the dick.

Molly Osberg: I MIGHT the root cap.

Alexis Sobel Fitts: Would u rather: the dick, the cane, or the hat

Kelly: I maintain that Mr. Peanut is a complete freak, but sure, why not. He has to take the hat off during sex. The monocle, we can discuss.

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Molly: What if there’s nothing under it?

Megan: Monocle on.

Esther: He’d have a nice, creamy mouthfeel, I bet.

Emily: He has to let me wear the hat during sex. Would you let Mr. Peanut put the tip in?

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Megan: Yes. It’s really all he has.

Clover: You guys are either putting his whole head in there or his feet and belly.

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We have not reached clarity, and probably will not for some time. I assume that those who voted to fuck the nut are steadfast in their decision. Go in peace. We are with you.

Managing Editor, Jezebel

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