On Wednesday morning, in what can only be an elaborate marketing campaign, the official Mr. Peanut Twitter account announced the passing of Mr. Peanut himself. The monocle-wearing token legume of the one percent was 104-years-old when he reportedly “sacrificed himself to save his friends when they needed him most.” This cryptic explanation triggered a barrage of condolences from other brands and media properties, from Snickers to BoJack Horseman.
Pouring one out for the Planters mascot is all well and good, but as I saw “Mr. Peanut” and “#RIPeanut” become the top trending topics on Twitter, an important question came to mind: Has Jezebel ever done a “Would U?” for Mr. Peanut?
Jezebel Managing Editor, Megan Reynolds, informed me that we have, in fact, never done a Would U for Mr. Peanut. So I posed the question to my colleagues in the most professional way possible: Would u let Mr. Nut nut?
The Jezebel staff weighs in:
Kelly Faircloth: Absolutely not.
Hazel Cills: I would not fuck the peanut bc HE IS DEAD AND THAT IS ILLEGAL IN MANY STATES IF NOT ALL OF THEM.
Molly Osberg: I have too much solidarity to bone Mr. Nut. Isn’t he basically a private equity guy?
Meagan Reynolds: The nut can nut.
Molly Osberg: The nut CANNOT nut.
Ashley Reese: Hmmmm. The nut is definitely rich, but maybe that’s a plus for some…
Kelly Faircloth: I’m so sorry for what I’m about to type but he definitely cums peanut sauce.
Molly Osberg: Uh oh.
Meagan Reynolds: Kelly yas.
Ashley Reese: HFIOWEAFHIEOWAFHI.
Meagan Reynolds: A Thai food situation.
Hazel Cills: [set the channel topic: he definitely cums peanut sauce]
Joan Summers: I’m gonna choke on my fucking taco you FREAKS.
Alexis Sobel Fitts: Who do you think is buying us the cabin?
Molly Osberg: Who do you think is BUILDING us the cabin?
Image:Getty
Megan Reynolds: Mr. Peanut goes to war on my—
Joan Summers: IF YOU HAVE TO CALL 911 TO SAVE ME FROM CHOKING ON A TORTILLA CHIP IM SUING.
Kelly Faircloth: The DEPRAVITY in this Slack.
Megan Reynolds: Yeah, again, I’m fuckin the nut!
Ashley Reese:
Image:Getty
Joan Summers: Megan, come get your man.
Lisa Fischer: Do you think Mr. Peanut calls his dick Mr. Peanut?
Hazel Cills: Whoever wrote the Mental Floss article is my hero.
Ashley Reese: Hmmm.
Image:Getty
Hazel Cills: How many fucked versions of this lil’ guy are there?
Megan Reynolds: I mean, a lot, he’s been around for a minute. His current iteration is the most suave.
Joan Summers:
Ashley Reese: I—OMG. He dances like Mary J. Blige.
Megan Reynolds: So as LONG as he RESPECTS consent, play ball!
So, this long, unhinged conversation has concluded that paying off debt is the only reason to fuck this nut. Otherwise, no thank you! But what say you, loyal—perhaps equally unhinged—readers? Would you fuck the nut or nah?
