On Wednesday morning, in what can only be an elaborate marketing campaign, the official Mr. Peanut Twitter account announced the passing of Mr. Peanut himself. The monocle-wearing token legume of the one percent was 104-years-old when he reportedly “sacrificed himself to save his friends when they needed him most.” This cryptic explanation triggered a barrage of condolences from other brands and media properties, from Snickers to BoJack Horseman.
Pouring one out for the Planters mascot is all well and good, but as I saw “Mr. Peanut” and “#RIPeanut” become the top trending topics on Twitter, an important question came to mind: Has Jezebel ever done a “Would U?” for Mr. Peanut?
Jezebel Managing Editor, Megan Reynolds, informed me that we have, in fact, never done a Would U for Mr. Peanut. So I posed the question to my colleagues in the most professional way possible: Would u let Mr. Nut nut?
The Jezebel staff weighs in:
Kelly Faircloth: Absolutely not.
Hazel Cills: I would not fuck the peanut bc HE IS DEAD AND THAT IS ILLEGAL IN MANY STATES IF NOT ALL OF THEM.
Molly Osberg: I have too much solidarity to bone Mr. Nut. Isn’t he basically a private equity guy?
Meagan Reynolds: The nut can nut.
Molly Osberg: The nut CANNOT nut.
Ashley Reese: Hmmmm. The nut is definitely rich, but maybe that’s a plus for some...
Kelly Faircloth: I’m so sorry for what I’m about to type but he definitely cums peanut sauce.
Molly Osberg: Uh oh.
Meagan Reynolds: Kelly yas.
Ashley Reese: HFIOWEAFHIEOWAFHI.
Meagan Reynolds: A Thai food situation.
Hazel Cills: [set the channel topic: he definitely cums peanut sauce]
Meagan Reynolds: Wow ok.
Hazel Cills: 13 Salty Facts About Mr. Peanut - Mental Floss
His full name is Bartholomew Richard Fitzgerald-Smythe. I’m crying.
Joan Summers: ALL OF YOU.
Kelly Faircloth: He’s like a full Victorian sex freak weirdo, guaranteed.
Megan Reynolds: If you have a nut allergy you can’t fuck the nut.
Joan Summers: ARE FUCKING DEPRAVED.
Kelly Faircloth: Like, he literally lives in an 1884 London flogging brothel.
Joan Summers: I AM LEAVING THIS SLACK FOREVER.
Megan Reynolds: Flog me, dad. Monsieur Legume.
Joan Summers: I DONT KNOW ANY OF YOU.
Hazel Cills: Guys, please, read the Mental Floss list.
Kelly Faircloth: No, he was kicked OUT of the flogging brothel for his freakshit.
Megan Reynolds: Oh, that’s ok.
Hazel Cills: #5 is “he went to war.”
Joan Summers: He is a BILLIONAIRE and if you fuck him you are a CLASS TRAITOR.
Megan Reynolds: Hazel is weeping.
Ashley Reese: OMG.
Megan Reynolds: Hazel and Kelly are dying.
Hazel Cills: “He is a BILLIONAIRE and if you fuck him you are a CLASS TRAITOR.”
Kelly Faircloth: Is he a billionaire or is he merely pretentious.
Joan Summers: CLASS TRAITORS!!!!!
Megan Reynolds: He’s a little bit of both I think.
Kelly Faircloth: I get a STRONG Rees Mogg vibe off him.
Joan Summers: Kelly, if he is just pretending he is JUST AS BAD AS A BILLIONAIRE.
Molly Osberg:
It appears he was corrupted by his extreme wealth over the years
Megan Reynolds: I’m tryna fuck this nut who will pay off my student loans AND will maybe rap me on the redacted with an etc.
Kelly Faircloth: To be clear: not with a fucking TEN FOOT POLE.
Joan Summers: Megan, LOG OFF.
Megan Reynolds: Sorry, I can’t. I’m yes to the nut.
Kelly Faircloth: Everyone in Jez slack immediately quits and moves to a cabin. This is what finally puts us over the edge.
Megan Reynolds: Leaving just me and my husband, Mr. Nut.
Hazel Cills:
Megan Reynolds: Hazel help.
Ashley Reese: Hazel.
Joan Summers: I’m gonna choke on my fucking taco you FREAKS.
Alexis Sobel Fitts: Who do you think is buying us the cabin?
Molly Osberg: Who do you think is BUILDING us the cabin?
Megan Reynolds: Mr. Peanut goes to war on my—
Joan Summers: IF YOU HAVE TO CALL 911 TO SAVE ME FROM CHOKING ON A TORTILLA CHIP IM SUING.
Kelly Faircloth: The DEPRAVITY in this Slack.
Megan Reynolds: Yeah, again, I’m fuckin the nut!
Ashley Reese:
Joan Summers: Megan, come get your man.
Lisa Fischer: Do you think Mr. Peanut calls his dick Mr. Peanut?
Hazel Cills: Whoever wrote the Mental Floss article is my hero.
Ashley Reese: Hmmm.
Hazel Cills: How many fucked versions of this lil’ guy are there?
Megan Reynolds: I mean, a lot, he’s been around for a minute. His current iteration is the most suave.
Joan Summers:
Ashley Reese: I—OMG. He dances like Mary J. Blige.
Megan Reynolds: So as LONG as he RESPECTS consent, play ball!
So, this long, unhinged conversation has concluded that paying off debt is the only reason to fuck this nut. Otherwise, no thank you! But what say you, loyal—perhaps equally unhinged—readers? Would you fuck the nut or nah?