Image: Cosmopolitan

On Tuesday, Walmart announced that it would remove Cosmopolitan from checkout lines at its 5,000 locations across the US, in what I interpret (probably incorrectly) to be its corporate stance against women learning 902384 moves, which will make him bellow yas!

“Walmart will continue to offer Cosmopolitan to customers that wish to purchase the magazine,” the corporation said in a statement, “but it will no longer be in the checkout aisles. While this was primarily a business decision, the concerns raised were heard.”

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The magazines will still be available in magazine racks at the stores, just not in...some racks?

Behind the move is the National Center on Sexual Exploitation (NCOSE), previously known as Morality in Media, which has long shouted into the void about how Cosmopolitan is “pornographic” and should not be so easily accessible for teens attempting to learn what exactly a blow job is and can you do it in the shower. The organization has previously been successful, with the help of Victoria Hearst, great-granddaughter of William Randolph Hearst, in getting issues of the magazine put behind blinders for Rite Aid and Delhaize America-owned stores (including Hannaford grocery stores and Food Lion), according to USA Today.

“This is what real change looks like in our #MeToo culture,” NCOSE wrote in a statement. “Women, men, and children are bombarded daily with sexually objectifying and explicit materials, not only online, but in the checkout line at the store.”

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This is, at best, a charmingly stupid misinterpretation of #MeToo (a magazine cannot reach out its Senator hand, honk your cans, and say, Bring me another Natty Ice, will ya, sugar tits—sorry—dear intern?) At worst, its a co-opting of an anti-sexual violence and harassment movement for the gains of a moralizing purity-focused organization. Sounds right to me!

“Cosmo sends the same messages about female sexuality as Playboy,” the statement continues. “It places women’s value primarily on their ability to sexually satisfy a man and therefore plays into the same culture where men view and treat women as inanimate sex objects. Further, Cosmo targets young girls by placing former Disney stars on its covers, despite the enclosed sexually erotic articles which describe risky sexual acts like public, intoxicated, or anal sex in detail. Customers should not be forced to be exposed to this content when they are trying to check-out at the store.”

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Walmart has long straddled the horse of culture, one leg on the side of Americans who just want to buy 40 rolls of toilet paper and a lawn furniture set for a reasonable price, the other on the side of those would like to purchase a sporting rifle without having the suggestion of women’s sexuality shoved in their greasy American faces! With this news, it feels they’re one step closer to choosing a side.