Earlier this week, Vanity Fair released a cover shoot featuring the stars of a string of new Star Wars-adjacent series: Rosario Dawson in Ahsoka, Pedro Pascal in The Mandalorian, Ewan McGregor in Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Diego Luna in Andor—and boy does it make me want to have sex in space.
Maybe sci-fi just makes me horny, or maybe I’ve read one too many Sarah Smith romcoms this month, but I am thoroughly intrigued by these apparent intergalactic orgies. Nearly every sentence sounds to me like incredibly spicy fan-fic: “Still, he pressed his phone so tightly to his ear that it made his face hot, as a voice from thousands of miles away told him secrets from another galaxy,” reads a description of Luna in the piece. I read this to myself aloud in a low raspy tone and immediately envisioned a salacious scene in which Obi-Wan Kenobi and Reva the Inquisitor have phone sex against a magenta and onyx sky—galaxies apart, but still able to bust a nut in their dusty huts. Their cloaks: cumbersome? Yes. But half the fun is watching the frocks unravel in anticipation of some girthy lightsabers.
Even the materials the characters in the Star Wars galaxies wear are sexy—leather? Wool? Stop it. Stain resistant and durable! Leave it to a Vanity Fair/Star Wars collab to give me the basement tickle on a random Wednesday. I can’t help but wonder what Pedro Pascal and Rosario Dawson are hiding under all those layers—all of it is erotic, Vanity Fair, don’t act like you don’t see it. Power is sexy in any universe, and Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi the Jedi Master surely knows how to wield his. I can see it now—his waist belt as restraints, his pouch as a mouth gag. The talk of rebellion and tortured souls risking it all for redemption has me yearning for my own little saga to continue with Diego Luna.
Okay, I’m getting carried away. But after taking a deep dive into Reddit and Deviant Art, I learned I’m not the only whose been feigning for some Darth Laid’er and Boba Fettish: There are plenty of JarJar Kink orgies and swing parties and cyber role play featuring Ahsoka, where you can gag, tie up, tickle, brainwash her character for a small fee. This is really a thing.
Anyway, these shows aren’t slated to arrive until later in 2022 and 2023, and VF says the cast has been working overtime—as have I, clearly. After all our hard work and late nights, maybe a little Alpha Centari climax is exactly what we all need.