USA, USA: This Pizza Cake Will Give You a Heart Attack and Diabetes

Welcome to America, land of dreams and opportunity and the only place where someone decided that it would be a good idea to make a cake out of pizza. Because just regular pizza isn’t enough. It’s broken. You need to fix it so that each bite threatens to give you a stroke. Because what good is dinner if it’s not Russian roulette?

The fine people over at Pillsbury (who would probably never actually eat this thing) have provided the world with a recipe for this delicious cake which is mysteriously missing all nutritional information. And you know what that means: Even though it’s filled to the brim with cheese and pepperoni (used appropriately this time), it’s fat and calorie free. (Just like when my dad surreptitiously removes a tag from a Ross Dress For Less item he thinks costs too much and then jokes with the cashier about it being free.) (My dad doesn’t do that. Please no one call the police, okay? I made it all up, I promise.)

Here’s Pillsbury’s recipe and here’s the original. Of course, you could just call Domino’s and get like three pizzas for the same price and also get a macaroni and cheese bread bowl (which is, if you don’t have a Domino’s nearby, is exactly what it sounds like) and some cinnamon sticks. (I like Domino’s a lot.)

Update: It appears that this cake is even more American than previously thought, and that’s because Pillsbury (lying liars who lie) just ripped the recipe off (allegedly). Look, I believe that they took it without asking, but I am also afraid of that goddamn doughboy. Please don’t look at that horrible link and check out the original Canadian version of the cake right here at So Good Blog.