Turns Out the Zodiac Killer's Cipher Does Not Say 'Hi, It's Me, Ted Cruz'

Illustration for article titled Turns Out the Zodiac Killers Cipher Does Not Say Hi, Its Me, Ted Cruz
Image: TIMOTHY A. CLARY (Getty Images)

It is said that when one assumes, one makes an ass of “u” and “me,” but assuming that the “340 Cipher,” the infamous never-decoded message presumably written by the Zodiac Killer, is the encrypted signature of the internet’s main suspect, Texas Senator Tedward Cruz, makes an ass of u, me, and the Zodiac Killer.

Instead, cipher experts have announced that at long last they have cracked the code, originally sent to The San Francisco Chronicle in 1969. Instead of reading “All of your not-yet-invented-internet detective work is correct. Hi, it’s me, Ted Cruz, the Zodiac Killer,” as some guessed it might, the message reads:

“I hope you are having lots of fun in trying to catch me. I am not afraid of the gas chamber because it will send me to paradice (sic) all the sooner because I now have enough slaves to work for me.”

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The man who dashed all our dreams is code expert and web designer David Oranchak who has been puzzling over the puzzle since 2006 and finally cracked it with the help of a team of equally dedicated cipher decipherers.

The FBI has confirmed that the team was accurate, and this new clue will helpfully assist in finally identifying the murderer, who claimed to have killed as many as 37 people in Northern California during the 1960s and 70s. All silly memes aside, this evil fucker has gone unnamed for too long, and for the victims’ families’ sake it would be nice to have some closure.

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It doesn’t say that he isn’t Ted Cruz...