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Heidi Cruz: Just FYI, My Husband Is Not the Zodiac Killer

Illustration for article titled Heidi Cruz: Just FYI, My Husband Is Not the Zodiac Killer

With the race for the Republican nomination growing ever more heated and mangled, it’s time to settle a pressing question: is Ted Cruz, Humanoid Ratigan, Texas senator, and GOP presidential candidate actually the Zodiac killer? A Yahoo News reporter turned to Cruz’s wife, Heidi, to address the matter.

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According to Vanity Fair, this joke “broke into the mainstream Saturday night after comedian Larry Wilmore riffed extensively on the conspiracy theory during his comedy set at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.” The Zodiac killer wreaked brutal havoc on San Francisco during the 1960s and 70s and his identity and whereabouts remain unknown. Over the course of Cruz’s campaign, some have treated the question as solid comedic material, and others, well, they have their suspicions.

Here’s Heidi Cruz regarding these speculations:

“ ‘Well, I’ve been married to him 15 years, and I know pretty well who he is, so it doesn’t bother me at all. There’s a lot of garbage out there,’ she told Yahoo News when asked for her reaction to Wilmore’s routine. ‘It’s amazing how a lot of people are swayed by it,’ Heidi continued. ‘Part of it is, the news media is 24/7, and they don’t let up.’”

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Thanks Heidi, that’s a graceful answer. It may also be worth pointing out that “Cruz was born in 1970, right in the middle of the period when the infamous Zodiac killings took place.” So, of this particular charge he seems to be innocent.

But not being a sadistic serial killer isn’t bolstering Cruz’s campaign. On Sunday the NBC News/Wall Street/Marist poll revealed that melted Dorito Donald Trump leads his opponent by 15 points. Vanity Fair also reports that “his own staffers are beginning to panic about the possibility that their candidate will lose the [Indiana primary] and fail to stop Trump from securing the 1,237 delegate majority he needs to clinch the Republican nomination.”

Ah, but these are dark times. And as for Cruz’s true identity, well, you know where I stand:


Image via Getty. Video via YouTube.

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DISCUSSION

hatsforcats
AllieCat demands hats on cats-is probable weirdo

Ted Cruz is DEFINITELY not the zodiac killer. He wasn’t even on this planet yet. So can we stop this ridiculousness! Everyone knows getting here from Gorrhruop takes at least a thousand years. And like once he got here he was so busy murdering neighborhood dogs and drinking the blood of ten thousand squirrels that he had literally zero time to murder people and send clues to newspapers. He didn’t even have human fingers yet! And he thought a newspaper was some sort of new kind of spaper! (A spaper is a kind of dainty flute used to disembowel small children on his home planet! So yes he thought it sounded fun but he had no human money to purchase one!) What he’s supposed to type with the 8-9 claw like appendages that come from his face mouth! Oooookay. And he wasn’t even really a he yet! He had both male and female genitalia as well as a sturdy set of antlers and many butt holes. Like the zodiac killer had many, many butt holes?? That’s just spitting in history’s face! Although, Ted Cruz couldnt even spit when he got here because his saliva was made of acid. He sure ruined a few alleys with THAT problem.

So TrusTed if he was the zodiac killer, all of humanity would be dead!