If you stare at the joke post that one of the four famous white Chrises made on Instagram in honor of Chris Evans’s birthday, their features start to look the same, blending together like a rat king of conventionally attractive men. That’s a terrifying but slightly alluring thought that I’ll banish from my mind now so that we can interrogate this “joke” in full.
Truthfully, it was early when I looked at this photo, and I was confused by the Hemsworth Chris’s dirtbag Thor look and also forgot what Chris Evans looked like for a minute, so I didn’t see anything untoward. However, I get the “joke.” That is not Chris Evans, who is hot and possibly running for office, it is Chris Pratt, arguably the worst of the famous white Chrises. You see, that’s the joke! Ha ha. Personally, I don’t think this joke is very funny, not because I despise any of these Chrises so much, but just because it’s... not? I’d like to turn my attention to the missing Chris in this equation, Chris Pine, who has intelligently (and handsomely) distanced himself from the other Chrises. Even though I think he has done so because he’s off doing other things, I’d like to think that he is relishing his position as Jezebel’s Best White Chris and has been since 2017, when he won the title. Maybe he’s thinking about his participation in the last Wonder Woman movie or lifting weights or oiling his triceps. Whatever he’s doing, I hope he’s happy.
Anyway, happy birthday to Chris Evans, not pictured in the photo above. You are my favorite Chris because you are from Boston and have the unique ability to make me like sweaters, especially when you are in them. [People]
Ideally, one day, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’s burgeoning amour will no longer fascinate me, and I will find it boring, uninspiring, and trite. That day is NOT here yet, because everything about their new love fills me with delight. The latest update is that just like the first time around, Jennifer’s mom, Guadalupe, is absolutely delighted that the sad Boston man is back, back, back again.
It seems Lupe has given this union her blessing once more after she and Ben spent some time in the casinos in Vegas over the weekend. They are having a good time. A source says to People that both Lupe and Ben love gambling and hanging out at the Wynn hotel, and you know what, if they love that, then I love that for them! I don’t know if I love Ben sliding into bad habits that lead to puffy Ben and not swole Ben, but that’s between Jennifer Lopez, her mom, Ben Affleck, and a higher power, I guess. [Page Six]
- DJ Tanner wants her children to love people who love Jesus. [Page Six]
- Congrats to Madison LeCroy, the lady that maybe FaceTime-sexted with A-Rod, for she is living her best life. [Us Weekly]
- Color me not-that-surprised-really-at-all that Zooey Deschanel and Property Brother B are still together and in love. [Just Jared]