Summer is the season of vacation and beach reads. It’s supposed to be a relaxing season but, for the last few years, an increasingly divided America has had its restful summer torn from them, caught up in the most important of culture clashes: the annual summer battle of the famous Chrises.
In theaters across America, four white men named Chris vied for our hearts and our dollars, armed only with the humble tools of a big budget franchise, an army of personal trainers, and good hair. The summers turned increasingly gruesome as each Chris waged Chris war upon the other Chris, each attempting to prove that they were better suited to carry a major franchise, better at space battles or wearing spandex or leather or whatever their suspiciously similar roles demanded from men that theater audiences could barely tell apart. The summers grew longer but Americans couldn’t resist the war—instead, we staked our allegiances, buying tickets to some truly terrible films like Thor: The Dark World and that Star Trek with Benedict Cumberbatch.
We continued to buy these tickets even though it was clear that the Summer Battle of the Chrises had taken its toll on the four famous Chrises. As they hopped from talk show to talk show, desperate to prove their reliability with vignettes about their families and hometowns, their bodies betrayed their battle fatigue. Each became increasingly toned, their hair became shinier, and their facial hair became more and more defined. They tried to make important films—we largely shrugged, demanding they return to blowing things up while wearing fitted costumes. They persisted: magazine covers and fragrance commercials and embarrassing games with Jimmy Fallon.
Until, at last, this summer one clear Chris emerged as the Chris that America needs: Chris Pine. Today, after Jezebel writer Ellie Shechet cried at the close of Wonder Woman, exclaiming “Steve Trevor,” Jezebel has decided to endorse Chris Pine for President of the Chrises.
We realize it’s a controversial choice; even our own Kelly Faircloth disagreed, wrongly calling Chris Pine a “false Kirk,” instead advocating for Chris Hemsworth. A fair choice, and Kelly is passionate about Hemsworth’s Thor hair, but Hemsworth is a lesser Chris. Chris Pine has earned this endorsement, given to him solely on the strength of Wonder Woman and the last ten minutes of Hell or High Water.
Here’s a picture of Chris Pine hugging Michelle Obama, who clearly agrees with this endorsement.
As the Summer of Chrises progresses, here’s a helpful way to differentiate the Chrises: Chris Evans is a Steve and Chris Pine is a Steve, too. Chris Pine is also a Jim and Chris Hemsworth is Jim’s dad. Chris Pratt was on a television show with Chris Evans’s movie girlfriend and also in a television show with Chris Evans’s ex-girlfriend. Hope that’s helpful!