This Week In Tabloids: The Kate Middleton Infertility Rumors Begin

Life & Style
“It’s War!”
Teresa Guidice went to her brother’s baby’s christening, and a full-on brawl erupted into what is being called “the worst fight in TV history.” There was screaming. The brother called Teresa garbage. Teresa’s 9-year-old daughter Gia had to hold her mom back. “But the child’s feeble hands and scared sobs were no match for the roar that went up when her father lunged at his brother-in-law.” At some point, Teresa’s brother threatened to “kill every one of youse.” Apparently Teresa is jealous of her brother’s wife, Melissa, because Melissa has a bigger house, a budding singing career and an upcoming line of Champagnes. The pinnacle! Moving on: Jennifer Aniston’s father says he wants an “honest man” for her, and wouldn’t mind if she settled down with a nice Greek guy. You know, Jen should totally go to Greece! Get away from all the Hollywood jerks. She could meet some hot vineyard owner. Or hot olive oil exporter. Like a bronze, muscle-bound gentleman farmer type, who likes put his hands in the dirt before drinking Ouzo on his small boat, with rippling shoulders and eyes the color of the Aegean in June. Mmm. Yeah. Anyway. In Timberlake and Wilde news, though she plays his mom in an upcoming movie, “in real life, she’s giving more than motherly love.” Grade school sing-along: Ooooooooh! Everyone watch out: Angelina Jolie is “furious” and “on the warpath” because the renovations on the chateau in France are not completed. Bar Refaeli broke up with Leonardo DiCaprio because he wasn’t ready for kids, and her mother was pressuring her to get a commitment. Oy, Jewish mothers, amirite? Pregnant Kim Zolciak says: “Hell yes, I’m going to have my wig on” in the delivery room. And finally, Khloé Kardashian defends Lamar Odom, saying that her show is definitely NOT the reason he is sucking at basketball right now.
Grade: D- (bad seeds)

Us
“Blake & Miranda’s Wedding!”
Here you’ll find eight pages of huge pictures from the Shelton/Lambert Texas-style wedding. The bride wore her mother’s wedding dress. The groom wore blue jeans; the bridesmaids wore cowboy boots. We don’t really care about these people but it seems like it was a cute event — there was a cowhide rug and an arch made of antlers! Dogs walking down the aisle! Blake’s vows involved promising to put Miranda before hunting! Kind of adorable. Next: Jennelle from Teen Mom is in rehab and says, “The show is helping me see my flaws.” She’s been pot-free for 2 weeks. Britney Spears is taking boyfriend Jason Trawick on the road with her, since she finds it hard to be without him. A source says, “They’re working toward getting engaged this year!” What the hell does that mean? How do you work on getting engaged? Janet Jackson and her billionaire beau, Wissam Al Mana, visited his family in Qatar, and they were very sweet and affectionate, and “she looked great.” Justin Timberlake and Olivia Wilde had a “sexy date” in New York at his restaurant — he had his arm around her all night. A source says they’ve definitely hooked up. Joe Jonas hit on Olivia Munn at Maxim’s Hot 100 party, and sent a bottle of Champagne over to her table. Lastly: For Prince William and Kate Middleton’s honeymoon, they rented 11 villas at a lodge on an island in Seychelles. Home theater, on-call chef, Champagne, pure white sandy beaches, etc. It was nice.
Grade: D (sprouts)

Star
“Angie Catches Brad — With The Nanny”
On March 11, 2009, this same magazine ran a similar cover story about Brad Pitt and the nanny. Then, it was “all very innocent,” but Angelina was furious. Now: Remember how Brad and Angie were looking for a new nanny? Apparently they’d gotten some applicants, and they agreed that they’d interview them together. BUT. Brad secretly met with one “beautiful young applicant” alone — while Angelina was in Cambodia. You won’t believe this, but the young woman was a “Jennifer Aniston look-alike.” Angie found out about the clandestine rendez-vous, and was “livid,” feeling lied to and deceived. Oh, also, Angelina wants her babysitters to be familiar with guns, but doesn’t want any blonde ones, because they remind her of Brad’s exes, Jen and Gwyneth. She’s already nixed several “supernannies” because of their good looks. YOU GUYS. We cannot stop laughing. Angelina is so busy. She has a passel of kids, the UN job, acting, modeling, directing, Kung Fu Panda promotional duties — she does not have time to feel jealous of some random domestic help. Christ. But the mag claims that because of this incident, “she feels like the trust in her relationship has been fractured.” Ha. Anyway, Angelina wants all the new nannies to be male. So what she really wants are bodyguard tutors with guns. Which should be a show. I would watch Bodyguard Tutors With Guns. Next: Salma Hayek wants another baby, “despite turning 44.” There was another man behind Lady Gaga’s breakup with Luc Carl — and it’s none other than Boondock Saints star Norman Reedus! He’s in the “Judas” video, you know. The mag claims that whenever Gaga has a break, she hangs out with Reedus — and when Luc calls her, she won’t tell him who she’s with. Reedus says of Gaga: “She’s the coolest girl ever. She’s super chill… very personable with everyone around her.” Levi Johnston might be marrying some chick named Sunny Oglesby. Penn Badgley might be dating some Australian star, Jessica McNamee — they were seen having a “deep talk” for hours. Arnold Schwarzenegger had sex with his mistress while Maria Shriver was in the same hotel. Here, Gigi Goyette is called his “long term extra-marital sex partner.” She calls his bedroom style “weird” and strange” and he likes when his women “perform unusual sex acts.” We are crying and shuddering and making fake throw-up faces over here. Jessica Simpson was “drunk and crying” as she had a public meltdown about feeling fat. “She whined about her struggle to lose weight and her lack of friends and drowned her sorrows in vodka and Champagne.” Who among us has not? Lastly: Sandra Bullock would like to adopt a second baby — and it might happen as soon as this summer.
Grade: C- (buds)

In Touch
“Will & Kate’s Baby Heartbreak.”
Do we really need to tell you that despite the cover’s claim, the royal doctor hasn’t “confirmed” anything? There are many unnamed sources in this story, along with tons of words like “maybe,” “might be,” “possibly” and “perhaps.” Allegedly, “health complications from Kate’s adolescence” might impact her ability to conceive. The nature of these complications is not revealed. But Prince Charles and Camilla are pressuring the newlyweds to disprove the rumors of infertility by getting pregnant immediately “even though that may very well be impossible.” A source says of the Royal Gynecologist — yes, that is a job — “as good as he is, can’t perform miracles.” Is that a thing that gynecologists do? Perform miracles? And the copy reads: “Since conceiving is a princess’s primary duty, Kate is being made to feel like a failure in the earliest stage of her marriage.” Um, they JUST finished the honeymoon. Jesus. According to the text: “Other couples might crumble and split under this kind of pressure.” Someone says: “Whether or not they’re able to have children, Kate and William’s marriage is very likely to last — even if it turns out that the next heir is not produced by him, but by his younger brother.” But! Then there’s a whole sidebar on the fact that Harry might not even be a rightful heir to the throne, if his father is not Prince Charles but Diana’s lover James Hewitt. Anyway, Camilla is supposedly the one spreading the word of Kate’s possible infertility. And Kate and William cannot adopt, because, as royal expert put it: “A child adopted by them would not be able to take the throne, as it would not be their blood right.” The whole thing sounds like a really complicated vampire novel. The piece notes: “if Kate is not pregnant within the next 9 months, she’ll be defying 200 years of British tradition.” No pressure! Moving along: Sarah Jessica Parker and Cheryl Cole have Chewbacca hair (ssee Fig. 1). Jessica Simpson has set a date for her wedding! She will get married at 11:11 am on November 11, 2011. Quick, numerologists! What is the significance of these numbers… Other than easy to remember? Keep in mind that the million-dollar ceremony will be held in Kaui. Jessica is designing her own dress, and the magazine offers some suggestions, based on her previous looks (see Fig. 2). With the news that Ashton Kutcher is joining the cast of Two And Half Men, the mag reminds us that Demi Moore dated Charlie’s costar Jon Cryer — and was engaged to Charlie’s brother Emilio Estevez. Small world, Hollywood. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are fighting over his sexy new costar, Mali Levi. In Touch previously claimed that Angie was secretly sleeping with women behind Brad’s back, and now the editors insist that Angelina is feeling “very insecure” about the Israeli model/actress/singer costar who’ll be on set with Brad in World War Z. Of course, Brad hasn’t met her yet — filming doesn’t start until June. Also? Mali is married. So, yeah, nonstory. Lastly: LeAnn Rimes has set a curfew for new hubby Eddie Cibrian. If he’s not going out with her, she wants him home by midnight.
Grade: C (fruit)

Addendum:

Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from In Touch