This Week In Tabloids: The Bachelorette Used To Do Big Bong Hits

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, where love is in the air — as well as bisexuality, Ecstasy, cheating, nannies, nose jobs and schwaggy weed smoke.

Ok!
“Jen’s Stealing Brad Back!”
First let’s address the yellow circle on the cover. If you were a shopper sweeping past a checkout counter, you might grab this mag thinking it’s a steal at 99¢. But the copy actually reads “Special! 99 New Photos!” So many photos, two exclamation points are required! Since the issue is only 80 pages, that’s a LOT of pictures, in a way. But people. Please. Do NOT pay $3.99 for this magazine. Here’s what’s inside: It would have been Brad and Jen’s 10th wedding anniversary on July 29, and “insiders” say Jen is looking to get “even closer” to Brad with late-night phone calls and gifts and whatnot. Oh, look, an offensive quote: “There’s a huge part of Jen that would love to do what Angelina Jolie did to her and steal Brad back. What woman wouldn’t?” ALL WOMEN ARE SCHEMING TO TAKE YOUR MAN! Brad has been “one of her main confidants” as Jen “prepares to have a baby.” As promised on the cover, there are indeed five “sizzling” pictures of Brad and Jen… One each from 1998, 1999, 2000, 2004 and 2005. Moving on: Sara Rue got engaged and then lost 50 lbs; now wants a big wedding dress. Last but not least, “What I Ate Today,” by The Situation: He has a protein shake when he wakes up. “I have cereal before I leave. When I get to work, I have yogurt and a banana.” Then for a snack, “I have a protein shake before I work out, and another one after I work out.” Lunch: Chicken salad sandwich, a pickle, and tomato salad. Dinner: Steak and broccoli.
Grade: F (huffing gasoline)

Us
“Why He’s The One”
Here’s why Ali and Roberto are meant together: “Ali seems like a laid-back, flip-flops kind of girl, which is right up Roberto’s alley.” Also, they’re both exciting and adventurous. Yawn. She’s starting wedding planning with ABC “right away,” as the network wants “something big.” Moving on: Amber from Teen Mom lost weight! She says: “I’m more comfortable in my skin.” (see image 7)
Grade: F (smoking oregano)

Life & Style
“Alicia Keys’ Dream Wedding”
Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz got married in Corsica, and the bride wore Vera Wang, surprise, surprise. Deepak Chopra officiated the ceremony. In attendance were Queen Latifah, Tommy Hilfiger, Christian Louboutin and Bono. This story briefly mentions that Swizz was married once before, but doesn’t get into just how shady the relationship is; since he was married when he started seeing Alicia and she is the fourth woman to have a baby by him. His ex-wife Mashonda sat down with Alicia Keys (!!!) and tells Vibe.com:

I honestly feel like they think they didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t care about their apology. As long as he’s a great dad to my son and she’s a good step-mom, they don’t have to worry about apologizing because they will never understand or care about the pain I went through.

And:

Real love does not come from a foundation when you hurt somebody else.

Mashonda also reveals that Swizz’s oldest son, Nasir, who was the best man at the Alicia Keys wedding, was born while Mashonda and Swizz were together and she was pregnant at the time, and when she found out that the other woman was pregnant, it put her into pre-labor. TOO MUCH DRAMA. Of course, the mag probably made a deal with Alicia’s people: We’ll give you this gorgeous photo to use for free if you ixnay on the ex ifeway. Moving on. In Jersey Shore news, the “Scene Queens” from Life & Style went to bars and clubs in Seaside Heights and found out that not just any lady can talk to the dudes — the producers mark a black dot on the hands of women who are “approved.” Or maybe those are the ones who have signed a release to be on camera? Anyway, according to the mag, “And before you get too excited, it wasn’t just the hot chicks that got the dot. We saw every type of girl get the okay from the crew: Big, small, pretty and ugly (aka grenades).” Next: 10 out of 10 plastic surgeons agree: Rihanna had a nose job (see image 8)! Curious how Cameron Diaz “finally tamed” Alex Rodriguez? “A-Rod loves that she doesn’t make their romance a spectacle,” says an insider. “Kate [Hudson] was a diva. Cam doesn’t require the same attention. Frankly, it’s a relief for him.” Finally: The man Lady Gaga will marry is Luc, the bartender from St. Jerome’s on Rivington Street in my neighborhood! “They always joke about getting married, but it’s not a joke,” says a “source.” “He’s the one she’d consider. They’re perfect for each other.”
Grade: D- (inhaling paint fumes)

In Touch
“Shut Out Of The Family.”
The kids were with their nannies at a hotel and spa in Oakland, where Brad is filming Moneyball. Maddox and Pax started fighting over ketchup, and a nanny said, “Mad, let Paxy have some ketchup,” and Maddox said, “Mom, do I have to?” and Pax was whining, “Mom, make him give me some.” So this obviously means Angelina is a bad mother. The story trails off after that. Next: Megan Fox wears her stepson’s T-shirts (see image 9). Kim Kardashian’s new man is a “serial cheater.” Did you know that The Bachelorette got paid to fall in love? And the more you stay together with the person, the more money you can make. “You don’t get pad that much for being on the show, you make your money afterward.” A story called “How Weight Ruins Plastic Surgery” reveals that when Audrina lost weight, the scar tissue around her breasts hardened. Ashlee Simpson’s nose keeps changing, and Tori Spelling’s boobs are “extra saggy.” The article called “Lady Gaga’s Shocking College Days” reveals that she WENT TO THE LIBRARY, she brought buffalo wings to a Super Bowl party, did her homework and WORE JEANS AND T-SHIRTS. Last: Stars who claim that they were ugly ducklings were actually really cute (Beyoncé, Nicole Scherzinger) or just in an awkward phase (Megan Fox) (see image 10). Question: Did George Clooney get a nose job?!?!
Grade: D (nitrous up the nose)

Star
“LeAnn Betrayed”
Eddie Cibrian cheated on LeAnn Rimes by sleeping with his ex-wife Brandi Glanville. Margaret suspects this story was planted by Brandi because of the evil details. Apparently Eddie was already with LeAnn, but living in the guest room at his house when he and Brandi were putting the kids to sleep and ended up having sex in the hallway. They did it again a couple of weeks later, according to the mag, “on the dark green couch in the living room, right under a huge picture window that looks out on the street.” LeAnn found out and freaked out, but Brandi doesn’t care. She did it for revenge. Brandi says: “We were married at the time, mistakes happen.” Eddie is also cheating on LeAnn with a bartender. The end. Moving on: Sharon Osbourne has had too much Botox and fillers. (see image 11) An “insider” says Jason Sudeikis “couldn’t believe his luck” when he first started dating January Jones, but it’s only been a few weeks and “she’s become very demanding.” She wants him by her side at all times and also SALLY GO TO YOUR ROOM. Blind item! “Which separated singer, who makes noise about how much her kids mean to her, failed to show up for a parent-teacher conference recently for two of her children? Her ex stepped in for her.” Also inside: Teresa Guiduce’s husband was seen at a restaurant with a woman who is not his wife, and tried to duck as he went in. Damien “Showtime” Holton is a “handsome driver turned bodyguard,” and has moved in with Sandra Bulllock. Not in a romantic way, it seems, but Star wants you to think so! Angelina Jolie has a “mystery girlfriend,” since she went to the Dresden in Hollywood at least three times in the past two months with the same lady, who were “playful” and “affectionate” with each other. And she introduced the woman to other close friends. Sounds like — a friend? But! Sometimes Angelina “disappears for hours” and is unreachable on her cell phone. Me too! Like when I am sleeping, on the subway, in the movies, napping, or not in the mood to talk to anybody. The subhead on this story reads, “Angelina makes no apologies for her bisexuality.” But all other bisexual people had better say they’re sorry. Finally: The Bachelorette’s high school boyfriend gave Star a really embarrassing scrapbook she had for him when she was 17 — it is written in pink gel pen on black paper, and she talks about taking Ecstasy, getting drunk and so on, and she “really knew her way around a bong.” The shame. (see image 12)
Grade: D (sniffing markers)

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