This Week in Tabloids: Serpent King Jaden Smith Lays in Bed of Snakes

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we slither through the dry and desolate existential desert contained within the pages of Star, Us Weekly, OK!, Life & Style and InTouch. This week: Ellen Degeneres, Portia de Rossi and Sofia Vergara are caught in a love triangle; Bruce Willis’ kids are twenty-something train wrecks; and Willow and Jaden Smith are the benevolent regents of a serpent colony.

Star
DRUGS, ARRESTS & DANGEROUS SEX

Finally, someone is checking in on the Willis sisters, something the world has been waiting for with bated breath. Turns out, they are troubled. The reason for this, posits Star, is daddy issues. Okay! Anyway, here is a Catalog of Troubles: Rumer, 25, one time drank champagne on the beach in 2012 and has since been seen taking shots; Scout, who just graduated from Brown, walked around topless as a feminist protest; Talulah wore a tutu to Coachella and smoked weed behind a dumpster. It is a miracle they haven’t dropped dead yet. (Sadly, although the cover promised “dangerous sex,” none is actually mentioned inside. Damn.) Moving on: Robert Pattinson and Katy Perry made out a lot at a party, which is good for them. So strong was their attraction, says a source, that Robert spoke to Katy repeatedly even though his mom was there. Wow. In other news, Taylor Swift is only pretending to go to the gym in order to be cool (????). “She’ll get a smoothie, stretch a little, then primp in the locker room for 45 minutes because photographers are outside waiting to take her picture,” says a fellow gym-goer. “Taylor thinks that it makes her look cool to be a chick who works out — but she’s naturally thin, so she never does.” WHEN WILL THE LIES END? Elsewhere in the magazine, Lea Michele is dating a “former gigolo,” who used to work for Los Angeles-based escort service Cowboys4Angels. He denies this claim and says he was just doing research so that he could become a successful “dating and lifestyle coach.” Is that a euphemism for pick-up artist? If so, I’m just gonna come out and say that I would much rather date a sex worker than a PUA.

GRADE: F (a basilisk hatched by placing a chicken egg beneath a large rat that washed up on the shores of the East River)

Us Weekly
GET OUT!

This magazine is filled with a stunning amount of fetid word-garbage. Here are the only remotely salvageable bits: Kourtney Kardashian kicked Scott Disick out of her giant Hamptons vacation home after discovering a photo of him “posing provocatively” with another women. She confronted him in front of the whole family, says a source: their children, his Lamborghini, and several TV cameras. He then spent the night at an inn. In other news, Prince George wriggled around a lot at a polo game and tried to kick a soccer ball. He had difficulty doing so because he is a baby. Next: former Bachelor contestant Courtney Robertson has a book coming out filled with “salacious” details. Here are two: she and Bachelor Ben “had sex” in the ocean for “about 20 seconds” and also in the Fantasy Suite, a room literally devoted to intercourse. Also, the producers don’t provide condoms, which is horribly irresponsible. Finally, here is the only important tabloid story you will read this year: “Willow Smith ‘is obsessed with snakes,’ a source tells Us. “She has 10 sleeping in her room, and some aren’t in cages!” … Jaden, 15, refers to his sister’s collection as his “girlfriends,” according to an insider. “They slither into his bed and curl up with him!” If only all tabloid stories were about the Smiths and their serpent friends 🙁

GRADE: D- (a boa constrictor slowly consuming several hoagies stacked on top of each other)

OK!
“STOP THE WEDDING”

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux still are not married, causing OK! to once more look inside itself answers in an attempt to cope with being alive in this capricious and confusing world. This week, the narrative is that Jennifer Aniston’s friends think that Justin Theroux is a total dick. Do not marry him, Jen, they say. Meanwhile, Justin is, like, riding his motorcycle and making scowling faces all over New York with no plans to have a baby. Uh-oh. In other news, Ellen Degeneres, Portia de Rossi and Sofia Vergara are embroiled in a love triangle. Sofia has been leaning on Ellen in the wake of her breakup, says a source, which has put Portia on edge. You have to admire this story for its originality, I suppose. Moving on: John Mayer keeps a box filled with “x-rated pictures, videos and even sex toys” and well as “lingerie and love notes” from women he’s slept with. He calls it his “Bang Box,” and brings it with him when he is out drinking with friends. (In my fantasy world, this box definitely exists and it plays “Your Body Is a Wonderland” when opened). Elsewhere in the magazine, Jake Gyllenhaal and Rachel McAdams are secretly in love. The “elephant in the room” is that they both have significant others, but, like, whatever. There is infinite tenderness stored in that man-bun.

GRADE: F (a Medusa dreadlock)

Life & Style
HOLLYWOOD NANNIES TELL ALL

The Hollywood Nannies have spoken, and what they’re saying is not that interesting: we learn that the Jolie-Pitts live in a house strewn with garbage and occasionally dog poop; that Kim Kardashian tells people that North West is cuter than Blue Ivy and only dresses her in neutral tones; that Suri Cruise has her own Blackberry; and that Christina Aguilera walks around naked sometimes. Cool stories, guys. In other news, Jessica Simpson is stressed out about getting married, which is something literally no one is interested in hearing about, Casper Smart could write a $10 million tell-all about J. Lo if someone were willing to pay him $10 million to write a tell-all about J. Lo, which no one is, and Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez are fighting over Justin Bieber, who is the world’s least worthy prize.

GRADE: F (a really big and pathetic-looking worm)

inTouch
I’LL RAISE THIS BABY ALONE

For the millionth time, we learn that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant and alone. This time, as sometimes occurs, she is facing the matter defiantly. Some highlights from this piece, which has run in at least once tabloid at least twice a month for the entire past decade: Jen is five months pregnant and has apparently been hiding it through some elaborate act of wizardry. Also, she craves Popchips. This is the second time that inTouch has specifically mentioned that product in a “Jennifer Aniston is pregnant” article, so I’m assuming they have some kind of deal worked out. In other news, Justin Bieber, the world’s most fertile singing boy, has gotten two women pregnant — in addition to Selena Gomez — in his tenure as a pop star. His people dealt with it, says a source, so maybe there are mini-Justins roaming around in diminutive bucket hats with little baby angry radish tattoos. Elsewhere in the magazine, Kimye and Bey/Jay have a big feud going on, due to Beyoncé and Jay Z’s Kimye wedding snub. In a recent performance, Kanye refused to say Jay Z’s name in two separate songs, which certainly means something. And, once again, someone has the inside scoop that Kim tells people that North is cuter than Blue Ivy. (Beyoncé “thinks Kim got famous from a sex tape,” says an insider, which is less an opinion and more an objective fact. That is, in fact, how Kim got famous. Good point, insider.)