This Week in Tabloids: Kim Cheated on Kanye With Chris Brown

By Dodai Stewart | April 30, 2014 | 7:00pm

Celebrities

Welcome back! Every Wednesday, Callie Beusman heads to the newsstand and together we “read” the celebrity tabloids — Ok!, In Touch, Life & Style, Star, Us — so you don’t “have” to. This week: Miley “overdosed” on marijuana; Mariah and Nick are dunzo; and Kim cheated on Kanye with Chris Brown. Rumormongering ahoy.

Star

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ALONE & SICK

Because it’s an immensely slow news week, Star decided to scrutinize actress’ bodies and speculate about whether they have mental health issues. Their prime target: Nicole Richie, whom their “body expert” estimates is down to 85 lbs. What an opportune moment to bring up her past struggles with eating disorders! Star alleges that her weight loss is caused by stress, which is caused by her deteriorating marriage, which is caused by her nagging her husband too much. Blerg. A truly bilious tale. In other news, Robin Thicke and Paula Patton broke up because of a “LOVE TRIANGLE DISASTER.” According to a source who reportedly passed a polygraph test (responsible journalism!), Robin and Paula were in a three-way relationship with a massage therapist (codename: Jasmine). Robin and Jasmine began a secret two-person side-affair, which drove Paula away forever. This is probably made-up, but it’s still pretty irrefutable that Robin Thicke is the worst. Moving on: Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt are both nervous about playing characters who are significantly younger than themselves in an upcoming movie. Tom, 51, is playing a 45-year-old; Brad, 50, is playing a 35-year-old. So they’re both probably using Botox, or possibly the blood of virgins taken during the dark of the moon, and they’re very competitive about it. Next: a Star editor was coincidentally staying at the same hotel as Justin Bieber, and the Canadian goblin prince called that editor’s son “ugly” in the gym: apparently, he was clogging up the gym with body guards, one of whom scared the 7-year-old Star editor’s son (Bieber didn’t know that the child had any relationship to the tabloid). Quoth the editor: “My son was frightened by the bodyguard, and I was trying to calm him down, but Justin stands up and says, ‘Your son is ugly!'” Never change, Biebs. (Just kidding; please change immediately).

Grade: F (lamprey mouth)

In Touch

IT’S A GIRL!

You will NEVER guess who’s fake-pregnant this time. Ha ha, just kidding: Jennifer Aniston is pregnant, for real this time, insists inTouch. All of this “story” is crap we’ve heard before (it’s a miracle! Justin Theroux transformed into a doting father overnight! Everyone is so happy!) with a generous amount of thinly-veiled insults thrown in (a doctor who has not treated her says that you can tell she’s expecting from “the little pooch in her stomach” and also because she “seems to have put on 10 pounds” and “looks very tired.” Thanks, doctor!!!!). Also, for good measure, some product placement (???): a friend says that she craves nachos, fried pickles, and PopChips. Sorry, but no one ever craves PopChips. Moving on: George Clooney, here described as an “eternally happy bachelor,” is getting married to very smart and accomplished barrister Amal Alamuddin. Thus, a timeline of all his exes, titled “Sorry, Ladies, You Just Didn’t Make The Cut” (Fig. 1). Seriously, what. Anyway, this is a big deal because she is really smart — according to the magazine, “They have tremendous chemistry — sexually, emotionally, politically.” I didn’t know that political chemistry was a thing, but when you’ve got it, you’ve got it, I guess, and Amal has it with this aging actor. Elsewhere in the mag,there’s a 2-page spread entitled “Six Degrees of Lindsay’s Love Life” (Fig. 2). It’s truly depraved. I say this because it connects her to her dad. And, finally, Jon Hamm and Elisabeth Moss are totally hooking up in secret because they went to Disney World, a popular sex destination, together. Also, one time they got coffee AND HIS WIFE WASN’T EVEN THERE!!!!!!!!! Q.E.D. They’re fucking.

Grade: F (sucker fish mouth)

OUR GIRL’S BRAVE FIGHT

Nope, not reading this cover story. NEXT. Tori Spelling was in the hospital for six days for “anxiety-exacerbated migraines.” Broadcasting your marital issues to a nation of millions helps how? Moving on: In an interview with Seth Meyers to air later this month, Jennifer Lawrence says she was “wasted” at the Oscars and puked on the stairs at Madonna’s after-party. Perfection. A piece called “Why She’s The One” is all about how Amal Alamuddin is awesome, which is why George Clooney proposed. Finally, Selena Gomez “dramatically deleted” all photos of herself with the Jenner sisters because she was jealous that Kylie was flirting with Justin Bieber, and also because “The Jenner girls roll hard” and everyone was high and or drunk and or emotional at Coachella. Good times.

Grade: F (hippo mouth)

Ok!

IT’S OVER!

IT’S OVER between Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon, according to several randos (but not according to their reps, who deny that the Carey-Cannon matrimonial bond is in any peril). But oh well: sources say that Nick cheated with at least two (2) women and that Mariah is “drowning her sorrows in a champagne flute” (ok, in that case, her sorrows must be pretty small because you couldn’t even drown the average mouse in a champagne flute). And of course the rumors of woe take a gross and sexist turn: “conflict was built into the marriage from the start,” says Ok, because Mariah is 12 years older than Nick and thus aging insecurely. UGH, WHATEVER. In other news, John Mayer is bombarding Taylor Swift with emails saying that he is sorry and that he misses her. UH, I’M SORRY, JOHN, BUT HAVE YOU EVEN LISTENED TO “WE ARE NEVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER”? It’s simply disrespectful to send a heartfelt post-breakup missive to the human responsible for that song. Elsewhere in the mag, Lena Dunham and her boyfriend, the bespectacled goof from that caterwauling band of misfits known as “Fun.”, had a big fight on the street. “Lena was screaming at the top of her lungs, saying, ‘I can’t believe you!’ over and over, with tears in her eyes,” says an onlooker. Ok, to be fair, that’s kind of inconclusive evidence. Like. he could have just showed her the video of the hamsters eating tiny burritos on his phone. Moving on: the magazine concern-trolls “scary skinny” actresses, having an “expert” weigh on on “four celebs who seem to be wasting away.” (Fig. 3). Elswhere, in a much better use of the magazine infographic, we’re treated to CELEBRITY “STARBUCKS ORDERS REVEALED” (Fig. 4). Ashton Kutcher gets an iced caramel macchiato with cinnamon. Who would have guessed?

Grade: D- (blobfish mouth)

Life & Style

DRUG OVERDOSE

The official word on the Miley Cyrus hospitalization is that she had a severe allergic reaction to antibiotics. The copy here claims that the editors have “learned that Miley was hospitalized after months of over-the-top partying — including rampant pot smoking and a drug binge that ended in an overdose.” The story does not specify which drug; it just tells tales about her drinking and getting stoned. One section claims an eyewitness saw her “overdose” after taking massive hits of weed? Because she passed out after? Is that an overdose? Or just a chill as fuck Sunday? Do the people who write this crap understand drugs at all? Hello? Anyway. An unnamed source says “she’s doing a ton of pills” and a doctor who does not treat her says lack of sleep, poor nutrition and substance abuse can create stress on the immune system. News you can use. Also inside: Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne are “the worst hotel guests ever” because they got drunk and tried to order stuff not on the room service menu, caused noise complaints and left the room a wreck. 125% believable. In Kardashian News, a story claims that Kim cheated on Kanye with Chris Brown. In 2012. A source says Kanye “is not just embarrassed, he’s furious.” Kanye has “lost trust” in Kim but will still marry her because the universe gives us what we deserve, and we deserve this damn rocuckoo wedding. Next, a Tori Spelling story claims she wants to talk to Emily Goodhand, the woman Dean McDermott cheated with, and “she’s hoping for a public showdown on TV.” Provided that Goodhand exists, of course. Moving on, Robin Thicke had some kind of no-pants party at his house and hooked up with five out of 10 ladies invited. The copy points out that his wife’s clothes still hang in the bedroom closet. That shit is Tackée Harry. Finally, in Knifestyles of the Rich & Famous, we learn that Rosie Huntington-Whitely got a nose job and that dudes like Michelle Williams better with her new slimmer nose, because it makes her “look more confident and sophisticated.” Christ, the fact that we live in a world people really think a slender nose is the sign of finesse is everything wrong with the world. Physiognomy is not a thing! (Fig. 5)

Grade: D (yuck mouth)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from Ok!

Fig. 4, from Ok!

Fig. 5, from Life & Style