This Week in Tabloids: Princess Diana's Ghost Possessed Meghan Markle's Unborn Child to Enact Revenge on Duchess Camilla?

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers has ventured overseas to enlist the help of elite British ghost whisperers in the quest to find out what Princess Diana’s been up to the last 20 years! Sources claim she’s haunting the castle, others speculate she’s possessed the unborn baby of Meghan Markle, and even more postulate she’s the reason behind Prince William’s receding hairline.

Let’s dive in!

In Touch:

Contrary to what this headline will have you believe, the ghost of Princess Diana has not possessed Meghan Markle’s unborn child to enact revenge on Prince Charles and Camilla of Cornwall. When will these pesky palace “insiders” quit manipulating the English language to fit their gossip regime? As the story goes: Prince Harry, still mourning the loss of his mother, has told friends that he’ll be naming his child Diana. Boring! I’m infinitely more interested in the alternate universe where the Mirror was correct this whole time and Princess Diana’s ghost has haunted the Royals for 20 years. A ghost baby could have been the biggest gossip story of the year! I’d also like to discuss ex-Bachelor Colton Underwood’s protein powder sponsorship. It’s an obvious pivot for a man whose career trajectory has spanned professional sports and reality television humiliation! And wouldn’t you love to know what it feels like to tell your loved ones you secured a tabloid cover blurb shilling for chocolate-flavored weight loss supplements? Just imagining the shame will keep me up for weeks.

In less important news, former Dancing With the Somebodys star Julianne Hough revealed her marriage struggles and new life focus. Here’s her take on “getting through the ups and downs”:

You always know that the ugly parts of you are your best parts. That sounds really deep! But, you get to share with the person who is next to you at all times. […] In those angsty moments, you actually get to purge, and then you’re like, ‘Ok. I love you. Come back to me.’”

What an incomprehensible rollercoaster of Los Angeles love advice! The Instagram user also mused that “reconnecting to the female in [her]” is what inspired her to pursue music (for a second time!) But in my favorite tabloid quote from a lifetime spent reading them, Hough admits:

“I’m obsessed with identity and transformation and acceptance and love,” says Julianne, who’s been connecting with herself and others “through physical dance, activity, and lots of meditation, but it’s all in one.”

I’d like to personally announce funding for my new library, which will archive the pull quotes celebrities sell tabloids in between reality competition show gigs. (They have to pay the mortgage on that Valley Village condo somehow!) I’m going to call it: The Dax Shepard Library For Stories Celebrities Sold Tabloids When They Were Jobless (TDSLFSCSTWTWJ). I’m still workshopping the title and am open to suggestions!

Elsewhere, Tori Spelling moved in next to Kim Kardashian amidst impending financial ruin and Ben Affleck admitted the response to his back tattoo was “not so much positive.” Following an identity crisis spanning multiple 21 Jump Street movies and a Jenna Dewan look-a-like (sorry, Jessie J!): Channing Tatum got the “insta-gay going through a breakup” bleach job and Ariana Grande bought a money-gun. Jenny McCarthy, prone to snitching, compared working on The View to Mommy Dearest. Considering Jenny’s fighting style includes grade-school burns like “I hope your knees get even wobblier than they already are,” she just wasn’t a match for known assassin Barbara Walters! I’m also troubled by reports that Call Me By Your Name will be receiving a sequel, Will You Please Stop Calling Me The Wrong Name. It will also fit right into the pantheon of “Sequels Without Books To Back Them Up” like Big Little Lies 2: Little Big Lies and Game Of Thrones 6: Back In The Habit. (Look at what gay people can accomplish when we work together for the content we want!)

Nestled between weight loss supplements and Mila Kunis’s parenting advice is a spread on the college admissions scandal. As we all know, former Youtube star Olivia Jade is mourning the loss of Tresemmé sponsorships and #AmazonPartner Instagram ads. In the fallout, In Touch quotes a “source” who has some choice words for Mossimo of the Target Mossimo bloodline:

She won’t leave the house. They’re convinced the public is loving all the drama surrounding the case because they come from money and have grown up living the dream. The way they see it, everyone is just jealous of their glamorous lifestyle.

On the surface, this reads as fairly standard gossip from somebody who claims insider access. Reveal a widely known fact and add personal flair to cover up the lack of useful information. But the longer I sat with the quote, the more I became convinced this was actually a badly disguised Gianulli in a Party City mustache. Why? Because watching 78 seasons of the the Real Housewives have taught me that famous-adjacent rich people love to deflect criticism with the age-old “You want what I have!” I’m sure that, if polled, 99 percent of us have a story about the popular kid who got a BMW for their birthday “dissing” a 9th grader with “You’re just jealous!” Conversely, we know that Olivia Jade’s grasp of the English language was pronounced “Incoherent!” by the U.S. Patents and Trademark Office. Maybe this is Isabella Rose, who we know little of outside her ambitions to be “just like her mom!” Or maybe it’s an ardent supporter from the menagerie of trust-fund kids and press agents circling the corporate landscape of their personal lives? Who knows! After all, gossip is only fun when we project our wild editorializations on the actions of rich famouses!

Ok!:

Considering a divorce this soon into marriage wouldn’t even land them in a Buzzfeed list of the “Top 10 Celebrity Couples With The Shortest Marriages,” I doubt Priyanka Chopra would bail on Nick Jonas after 117 days. And while my grasp of her interior life is through the lens of tabloid pull quotes and appearances on Ellen—I get the vibe that she’s a woman who hates to lose. After all, she did manage a Vogue cover and international press despite a fairly standard, almost boring celebrity courtship. It’s impressive! We’re also subjected to another cover-blurb on weight-loss supplement advocate Colton Underwood. It’s a grim reminder that a massive conglomerate owns every tabloid discussed here, as well as National Enquirer and Radar Online! And to deflect from the deranged criticism that letting her kid wander around without a diaper on makes her a bad mother, P!nk gave an exclusive interview on raising “strong children.” (“I want my daughter to know that you have to fight for your rights, and I want Jameson to be allowed to be sensitive.”) I wish her and the future heirs to her aerial gymnastics empire all the best!

I’m also endlessly fascinated with the reported friendship between Kylie Jenner and Caitlyn Jenner’s 21-year-old aspiring venture capitalist girlfriend, Sophia Hutchins. For the unaware, the trio were photographed at Stormi’s first birthday “bash.” Can you imagine the tense kitchen-island chat between Sophia and Kris Jenner’s assistant? If walls could talk! Meanwhile, Kristen Bell allegedly wore it better and Hilary Duff hosted a party an indoor trampoline park. Olivia Culpo launched Amazon’s “first cruelty free skincare line,” which in some religions is considered an omen of the end times. Britney Spears, battling with her father’s failing health, allegedly told build-a-boyfriend Sam Asghari “it’s now or never!” And keeping herself “down to earth,” Honey Boo Boo revealed she’d be just fine with a Honda. Same! There’s also an interview with former amateur porn star Colin Farrell concerning the upcoming Lovecraftian horror film Dumbo. He describes his acting process as “looking at the tennis ball as it flies through the tent,” which is enough reason for me to skip illegally downloading it in the coming months. Thanks, Colin! But in the worst news of the week, there’s increasing speculation on Millie Bobby Brown’s “new romance” with Romeo Beckham. THEY’RE 15! LEAVE THESE BABIES ALONE!

In lieu of a roundup, why not relive behind-the-scenes secrets of Cruel Intentions on its 20th anniversary?

• It was originally titled Cruel Inventions, misleading test audiences. One complained, “This sounds like a sci-fi movie!”
• Reese Witherspoon, battling with Katie Holmes for top billing, refused the lead role until it was given “more bite.”
• Reese and Ryan Phillippe’s sex scene was originally set to a Smashing Pumpkins song. (As a Gen Z menace, I’ve never been more thankful to have missed the ‘90s.)
• The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony” still bangs.
• Amy Adams, in her first Oscars snub, starred in the direct-to-video sequel Cruel Intentions 2.
• Ryan was so emotional after being accidentally slapped by Reese that he threw up on set.

Life & Style:

I’m taking a break from the Jennifer Aniston frontlines to dive headfirst into the college admissions scandal, which I was rightfully called out for ignoring in last week’s installment. In a rather deranged “expose,” Life & Style claims William H. Macy has been trolling celebrity dating app Raya for younger women in the wake of Felicity Huffman’s looming prison sentence. Who knew it would be William H. Macy’s alleged dating app sexts to Hollywood randoms that finally broke me! And in related news, Scheana Shay, occasional singer, sometimes model, and full time Instagram account, claimed “I’m anti-dating apps! It’s not my thing. I’d rather go to Disneyland or go skydiving.” It looks like she missed her chance to ask the Wild Hogs actor for some much-needed career advice! There’s also an intriguing new storyline playing out in this week’s issues involving Emma Stone’s alleged love triangle with Evan Peters and Garrett Hedlund. Shockingly, they can all do better than the others. I’ll leave you to puzzle that out!

What else? Everyone’s wearing sequins and Meghan Markle’s maternity wardrobe has totaled nearly $650,000! And in the age-old tradition of women being unable to get along peacefully, pesky insiders claim Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon are locked in a cold war on the set of their upcoming Apple TV original. My thoughts? It’s 2019 and Ryan Murphy’s already made a television show about this. We have to move on! There’s also a fascinating read on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ impending financial disasters:

• Dorit Kemsley and Paul “PK” Kemsley owe over $1.7 million to a Las Vegas casino and $1.2 million to the IRS.
• Erika Girardi’s husband, of Erin Brockovich fame, is being sued for $15 million for allegedly refusing to pay a legal loan.
• Mauricio Umansky, Kyle Richards’ husband, was once again sued for real estate fraud of the the sale of a $32 million Malibu mansion.
• Lisa Vanderpump is, according to anonymous sources, facing liens on her restaurant empire totally almost $2 million!

Eat the rich! Let’s round it up:

• Bachelor somebody Nick Viall, posting a shirtless selfie on International Women’s Day, claimed he wanted a girlfriend “strong enough to stop me from posting this.”
• Jessica Alba revealed the intimate details of her celery juicing diet: “It empties your bowels in a very violent way all day long.”
• Leighton Meester is still married to Adam Brody.
• Whitney Port’s life advice? “Whatever. It’s a fucking nipple.”
• Nicky Hilton can’t stop listening to the A Star Is Born soundtrack.

Us Weekly:

In the legal interests of Jezebel and myself, all I can tell you is that Jeremy Renner is definitely not dating Stefani Joanne Ally Maine Germonatta. Period! Instead, let’s indulge the speculation around Jennifer Lawrence’s recent absence from the Hollywood main stage. According to Us, the starlet found happiness only after quitting the limelight for love. It’s an age-old narrative, and rather played out! But her recent departure from the headlines is obvious, and when the biggest news story in months involves a boozy night out with Adele and gay bar karaoke to Kylie Minogue, it really does make you hopeful that there is a happiness found in quitting the rat race! Alternatively, it could be said that consistently earning $15 million a film for your entire adult life makes it easy to retire in relative peace with a gallery owner who has explicit ties to New York City’s art world elite. And in the end, the Venn diagram of both choices overlap around her current lifestyle. Choose your own adventure! Let’s also take a moment to indulge a handy list of “Other Stars Who Lefts Hollywood”:

• Phoebe Cates: Instead of capitalizing on her role in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, she chose to raise two children with her husband Kevin Kline. A much better choice!
• Mischa Barton: After spending “time away” (which is an interesting way to put it), Mischa chose to return to Hollywood for a starring role on The Hills reboot.
• Jonathan Taylor Thomas: Traumatized from spending prolonged periods of time exposed to Tim Allen and the set of Home Improvement, he left the industry to travel and go to school.
• Leelee Sobieski: When her Never Been Kissed exposure diminished, she moved to NYC and began showing her paintings in fine art galleries. Huh!?
• Taylor Momsen: After staging one too many renegade fashion shows on Gossip Girl, she chose to instead focus on her music career! (This still bangs!)
• Cameron Diaz: Selma Blair famously said the Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle star quit Hollywood, and considering her last film was the Annie reboot in 2014, I’m inclined to believe her!
• Jack Gleeson: After enduring multiple seasons as a homicidal, rape obsessed teen maniac, Gleeson opted for degrees in Theology and Philosophy to wash away the moral stench. Who could blame him?

What else? Alicia Silverstone absolutely wore it better and Karamo Brown’s relationship goals are somehow Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas? Kate Beckinsale’s cat sprays her with explosive diarrhea while she sleeps. Brooklyn Decker is a noted and quoted Post Malone superfan and worse, Camilla of Cornwall was photographed on a plantation? Dolly Parton played the drums, Ariana Grande was spotted with a microphone, and Jordyn Woods took a beach selfie. And in the most evil news of our lifetime, Dorit Kemsley is still rocking a permed clip-in bang.

To cleanse our palettes, let’s dive in to Luann De Lesseps’ “25 Things You Didn’t Know About Me!”

• 2. Her favorite song is Bonnie Raitt’s “Something To Talk About.”
• 6. She want to be stranded on a desert island with Sonja Morgan. Despite the starvation or death by assorted shenanigans that would surely result from that choice: Same!
• 8. Her musical inspirations include Lady Gaga and Tina Turner. Sometimes the jokes write themselves!
• 12. Despite her professed fashion knowledge and war on Herman Munster shoes, the closet she’d want to raid most is Lisa Vanderpump’s?
• 13. She’s just come from yoga.
• 16. She’s a card carrying member of the Beyhive.
• 18. She wants to guest star on Orange Is The New Black.
• 20. Despite facing financial turmoil and a myriad of lawsuits, she recently splurged on a Chanel necklace “on Rodeo Drive.”
• 23. Like my mother, she would still have sex with Richard Gere.
• 25. She’s releasing a “summer dance hit” sometime in the coming months. Ah!

And that’s all I have for you. Enjoy this week’s collage!