This Week In Tabloids: Princess Beatrice's Wedding Plans Foiled by Allegations Against Prince Andrew

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where summer has taken its ever-sharp dagger and plunged it into the heart of the tabloid gossip industry. As I hold Us Weekly in my arms and watch the life drain from those pages, I lean down and whisper in its ear: “I’m going to ignore your ‘Remembering Princess Diana’ issue this week. Sorry!”

Let’s dive in.

Image: Star
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Star:

Denise Richards made her return to television this year with a celebrated stint on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Normally a cesspool of future victims of the imminent class wars, Richards’s jean shorts and “couldn’t give a fuck” personality were a delight to many—unlike her marriage to Charlie Sheen. As sources report to Star, she’s allegedly been sitting on a tell-all book for over 15 years “that would reveal everything about her [...] insane relationship with Charlie Sheen.” Those same sources also claim that Bravo wants her to continue spilling Sheen’s secrets on television. (Who wouldn’t!)

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Somewhere else in Los Angeles, Liam Hemsworth was seen with Australian actress Isabel Lucas in the wake of his divorce from Miley Cyrus. According to Star: “Liam’s family, especially his brother Chris and sister-in-law Elsa Pataky, who looks like Isabel, are already saying Isabel is a better fit than Miley.” I’m sure I could extrapolate on what they might mean by “better fit,” but I was genuinely caught off guard by their description of Elsa Patacky. Do they mean to suggest that a Freudian motive underscores the brother’s sexual preferences towards women who look similar? Is it a backhanded commentary on Australian beauty standards? I demand answers!

Meanwhile, Mandy Moore wore polka dots and Isla Fisher was photographed. Demi Lovato will star in Will Ferrell’s Eurovision, Posh Spice and David Beckham enjoyed date night, and Jewel hosted her Wellness Your Way festival in Denver, where Rachel Platten performed alongside workout demos from Jillian Michaels. Tipsters claim that Lori Loughlin has been “abandoned by her kids,” despite what they might say on Instagram. Who cares! I’m also told that a “distraught” Princess Beatrice has been instructed to postpone her engagement announcement after her father Prince Andrew was linked to Jeffrey Epstein’s ring of notorious predators and paedophiles. Star writes:

Beatrice was devastated. “It was finally her time in the sun after being eclipsed by her more famous cousins. But the palace doesn’t want Prince Andrew anywhere near the spotlight.” Even though Eduardo (her fiancé) promises Beatrice nothing has changed and they’ll still marry, “no one knows for sure when that will be.”

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Sad! What else? Pitbull took over a fitness class in Union Square, Nick Carter hosted an afterparty, and Madelaine Petsch celebrated her 25th birthday at Tao Los Angeles. Kourtney Kardashian drank green juice. Angela Kinsey took her cat to the vet on Take Your Cat to the Vet Day. Rachel Brosnahan is still filming The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Danielle Jonas roped her children into advertising Ziploc bags. Tori Spelling rocked a pussybow blouse. There’s also this photo of Julianna Margulies and Carla Gugino with Samantha Mathis.

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The eyes follow you!

Image: Ok!
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Ok!:

We’ll return to Katie Holmes shortly, but first—Did you know that Jason Momoa had a pint glass smashed in his face in 2008? It apparently resulted in a surgery that required 140 stitches. Wow! Tipsters also claim that Hayden Panettiere has not seen her daughter since February, continuing the outdated line of thinking that the onus of raising children must always falls on women. (And considering the charges against Brian Hickerson, distance could be the best thing for her daughter.) Back to Katie Holmes! Sources claim that Jamie Foxx “played her for a fool for years” and that she’d regularly “get tips about his behavior from mutual pals.” I’m also told that her appearance with Foxx at the Met Gala was Holmes’ attempt at reconciliation, thinking he was “finally ready to get serious about settling down.” Looks like he wasn’t! (As for Sela Vave, who Foxx has been spotted with since splitting with Holmes: “She’s from Utah.”)

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There’s a disturbing report that Eminem and Rihanna found each other “down the hall” in the Bel-Air Hotel. According to sources, she flew into Los Angeles for a “break,” and ended up partying in a suite on the same floor as Eminem (who’s been “holed up” to work on music.) Remember: Just last year, he “rapped” that he’d left hickeys on Rihanna’s neck. I don’t need a source to tell me he definitely wasn’t invited to the party! Elsewhere, Jennifer Lawrence is filming in New Orleans and planning her wedding to Cooke Maroney. As Ok! reports,

“She’s forever running late and claiming she’s been on the phone sorting out florists and caterers and doesn’t seem to be too concerned with the fact that people are waiting for her. It’s not a huge deal—it’s not like she’s holding back the entire production, but it’s kind of annoying for everyone to have to hear about it every five seconds.”

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I suggest we all get married, if only for the incredible excuses it provides! What else:

  • Tiffany Haddish admitted that being famous has caused her to eat more.
  • Toni Collette returned to television.
  • Kevin Cahoon watched “countless Youtubes” to prepare for his stint on Glow.
  • Zendaya came out as a Virgo.

As the gossip industry withers in the heat of the summer sun, enjoy this next installment in my “Dog Days Art Series.” As the artist, let me explain: With my new venture as a multimedia graphic artist, I hope to capture the essence of my mood and juxtapose it with our current news cycle and the slow collapse of human civilization. As such, I proudly present: “The Eyes of Carla Gugino.”

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