Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers copes with the slow collapse of human civilization by smoking a blunt and writing mean things about your least favorite celebrities.

Let’s dive in!

Image: In Touch

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In Touch:

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Have you been following plot line involving Geena Davis and her allegedly fake ex-husband? I haven’t! As the story goes, the actress claimed in court that she and craniofacial surgeon Reza Jarrahy never married. Last year, Jarrahy petitioned the court for spousal support from Davis (who’s allegedly worth $30 million.) According to court documents, she refuted him, claiming: “We knowingly and voluntarily chose to have a marriage-like ceremony, fully aware that it was not legally binding.” Weird flex! Davis most likely understands how bonkers this sounds, but her evidence to prove it is quite extensive. A 2012 bank loan signed by Jarrahy states: “I filed by 2009 tax returns as a single individual because I am not currently married.” She also maintains that her insurance through the SAG-AFTRA union never recognized him as her husband. Again, weird flex Geena! (And where you stand on universal, single payer healthcare?) It’s unclear what will happen next, but in the meantime—enjoy this picture of Geena Davis and Jeff Goldblum.

Elsewhere, sources claim Will & Grace is ending after a rumored feud between Debra Messing and Megan Mullaly exploded. They “added fuel to the fire” when Mullaly unfollowed Messing on Instagram, writing that she was “feeling ‘the best’ now that she’s lost her ‘attachment’ to somebody.” A different source also claims that Drake is “playing the long game” with Bella Hadid and has had a “thing for her for years.” While I’d like to believe this isn’t true, Hadid wouldn’t be the first teenager trapped in Drake’s free time orbit. (And can somebody please block him on Millie Bobby Brown’s cellphone?) Willa Ford teamed up with Ali Fedotowsky for “Clayton Kershaw’s 7th Annual PingPong 4Purpose,” Jessica Alba partnered with HelloFresh, and Brody Jenner was spotted with that Victoria’s Secret model again. Tipsters allege that Katie Holmes dumped Jamie Foxx for not being a “one woman man” that stays at home instead of clubbing. Alison Sweeney, musing on her journey from soap operas to The Biggest Loser to daytime true crime movies, announced: “You have to take chances on life!” Lucy Hale is still “rocking a red lip.” Nicole Richie wore it better, Harley Quinn Smith did not. Worse, the list of allegations that Courtney Cox is trying to steal Jennifer Aniston’s life keeps stacking up! Here’s In Touch’s sizable dossier:

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Spooky! This week’s blind item, however, is significantly less interesting.

“The A-list pop star has a major cocaine habit. It might be the reason she’s putting off important events in her life. The singer kicked the habit years ago, but now that she’s relapsed, she can’t seem to get this monkey off her back.”

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Image: Ok!

Ok!:

What does the inside of Macaulay Culkin’s “private world” look like? I wouldn’t know. It’s private! Moving on—Hannah Brown revealed she’s “struggling,” Ian Somerhalder is “spreading positivity,” and Tina Knowles claimed that Blue Ivy won’t wear makeup until she’s thirteen. Everyone is wearing yellow on the red carpet. Emily Ratajkowski wore it better. A celebrity fitness trainer enjoyed ice cream with her son. Olivia Culpo was photographed at Buca di Beppo. Bella Thorne bought a $3 million dollar home in Topanga, California. And weirder, Kelly Preston has allegedly forbade John Travolta from allowing their daughter Ella to obtain her piloting license so she can zip around on the family jet. Rich people—they’re not like us at all!

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And because the Gossip Wheel has spun particularly slow all summer, enjoy this list of celebrities that peddle alcohol between calls from their agents:

  • Ryan Reynolds: Discontent with the massive success of Pokemon: Detective Pikachu, the actor (who married wife Blake Lively at a former plantation) bought Aviation Gin in 2018. His “active role” in the company involves starring in commercials and smiling. He also demanded that his wife’s character in A Simple Favor exclusively drink martinis made with his liquor. If anyone had seen the film, I’m sure this would’ve been bigger news.
  • Marilyn Manson: Mansinthe is an “authentic absinthe” that won the gold medal at the San Francisco World Spirits Competition—an award I’m sure is important to someone.
  • George Clooney and Rande Gerber: A few months ago, I was driving down the strip of Highway 101 that cuts through San Francisco when a Casamigos truck careened through traffic and cut off a minivan with a “COEXIST” bumper sticker. Other than that, I have no opinions about Mr. Clooney’s tequila.
  • Dan Aykroyd: He had no idea that Crystal Head Vodka would be successful. Having never seen the crystal skull myself—I’ll reserve judgement!
  • Justin Timberlake: He’s a man who’s lived countless lifetimes as countless different people: failed country music star, the man who aided in the public humiliation of Janet Jackson, one-time backup dancer to Ciara, and tequila baron! He claims that Sauza 901 was named after an area code in Memphis, but sources tell me it’s an encrypted message to the shape-shifting aliens he descends from.
  • Katie Maloney, Kristen Doute, and Stassi Schroeder: Not yet famous enough to warrant individual bullet points, the self-styled “Witches of WeHo” launched Basic Witch Potion #01 (a pinot grigio) last year. Awkward! Kristen has since unfollowed the other two on Instagram.
  • Bethenny Frankel: She might have abruptly jumped from Bravo’s flagship last week, but at least Bethenny always have the many branded Skinny Girl products she shilled on television during her tenure as a Housewife!

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What else? Andie MacDowell does a lot of yoga. Lance Bass and Joey Fatone shared their flatbread recipe. Celebrities refuse to take off their high heeled flip flops. Katherine Schwarzenegger is obsessed with Mountain Valley Spring Water, and Bebe Rexha is still promoting her exclusive fashion line, Bebe by Bebe. Jennie Garth loves kissing Jason Preistley. Milo Ventimiglia cries a lot. Worse, Post Malone revealed what happens backstage at his concerts: “We just eat gummy bears and Cheetos and play beer pong. I’m also obsessed with the revelation that Ava Phillipe stole Olivia Jade’s job as an Amazon dorm room ambassador. Speaking exclusively with Ok!, she revealed she “stays on top of her schedule” by “using her Amazon Echo to set reminders I need for class, set alarms, and keep me organized!” Olivia Jade, meanwhile, has remained silent on the feud. Unsurprising, but that hasn’t stopped me before! While searching for answers, a reader tipped me off about a blind item from two months ago that bears a striking resemblance to this exact scenario. Per blindgossip.com:

Despite the fact that they are both rich and famous, the two actresses have never liked each other much. We don’t know why. However, we do know that their feelings filtered down to their children. The college-aged children in particular try to avoid each other. [Movie Actress’] daughter was working a blue-collar job during the summer. [TV Actress’] daughter used to go into [the business where she was working] and mock her behind her back. The TV Actress’ daughter earned her own money, too, but definitely not by working a blue-collar job.

Recently, the daughter of the TV Actress lost her gig. Guess who pushed her own daughter to slide into her place? The Movie Actress!

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Could this be Reese Witherspoon’s work? Somebody call Kris and tell her there’s a new momager in town!

Photo: Life & Style Magazine

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Life & Style:

I guess we’re still talking about Bindi Irwin’s wedding! Despite previously claiming she’d been married in an exclusive ceremony at a zoo, insiders now say she’s hosting it in a wildlife refuge. Sure! Per the outlet: “Bindi’s writing a tribute to [Steve Irwin] to read to guests. She’s also talking about showing clips of his most memorable moments.” There’s also allegations that Matthew Koma will wear an “edgy white tux” when marrying Hilary Duff. Sarah Hyland, not to be outdone, is apparently demanding a “huge” wedding cake from Wells Adam. It’s only fair! She bought the ring so he’ll handle the cake—that’s modern love. I’m also told that Scarlett Johansson and Jennifer Lawrence are locked in a duel over caterers and venues. Hopefully, their “bridezilla” blood feud leaves Colin Jost with nothing. (Fuck that guy!)

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Back in Los Angeles, Margot Robbie was photographed, Sofia Vergara showed off her Birkin bag, and Busy Philipps donned a sundress. The Chrisley family continued its nuclear meltdown. Scott Disick built his children a $100,000 playhouse. Tamra Judge and Shannon Beador, meanwhile, have “teamed up” with Vicki Gunvalson to “take down co-star Kelly Dodd” after she posted their about husband’s incomes on social media. Chris Harrison, unaware of this, showed off his ping-pong skills while Tracey Morgan vacationed in Turks and Caicos. Sources claim Heidi Montag partied with brand Booby Tape at Stanley Social, but I can’t afford the photos. And sadly, Master of the Universe Jojo Siwa was last seen on a red carpet with adults dressed like animated bird creatures. SOS! Lastly, Salma Hayek announced “Happy Saturday!” on Instagram. As it’s currently Wednesday, the message has lost much of the impact.

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What else?

  • Emily Ratajkowski feels sexy growing her body hair out. Same!
  • Chrissy Teigen now includes Activia in her daily diet.
  • Tiffany Haddish hasn’t ridden coach on an airplane “in a year.”
  • Michelle Williams bonded with Julianne Moore over their shared love of furniture.
  • Pete Davidson admitted that sometimes he looks like a racoon.

And in lieu of a collage this week, enjoy Justin Theroux’s horrific visage. This art—which I worked very hard on—represents my mood, the news cycle, and the slow collapse of civilization. Enjoy!

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