This Week In Tabloids: Lady Who Sold Gelato To The Jolie-Pitts Tells All

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we sample the flavors of Star, In Touch, Life & Style, Us and Ok!. This week, the only name you need to know is Beatrice Zennaro. She’s the luckiest lady in the world!

Ok!
“Secret Reunion.”
The dude from The Bachelor and this lady who left the show because she had to go back to her job at Facebook “melted into each others’ arms” in a “secret” reunion behind the scenes “at the dramatic taping of Bachelor: Women Tell All.” Snooze! In Jolie-Pitt “news,” the kids went to Venice and ate gelato. Beatrice Sennaro[sic], who owns a gelateria, says that the kids wanted big cups, but “mom said no,” so she gave them a small portion in a medium cup. Crafty! Lastly, you know how in these “What I Ate Today” stories, celebs are always subsisting on grapefruit and grilled chicken over salad? Well Julianne Hough went to the Cheesecake Factory with her sister and they ate “avocado egg rolls, fried calamari, artichoke and spinach dip, chicken pot stickers, Thai chicken wraps and a piece of Snickers cheesecake.” Including her breakfast of eggs, fruit and a bagel, she had 3,286 calories that day. Stars! Just like us!
Grade: F (no gelato for you)

Life & Style
“The Twins Are Out Of Hiding.”
Knox and Vivienne Jolie-Pitt have never been seen in the U.S.! There’s no story here, just a crapload of pix. In Venice, the kids had black cherry, vanilla, caramel and strawberry gelato, etc. Oh, look, another interview with Beatrice Zennaro (spelled differently here!), who owns La Gelateria Lo Squero. She says: “The kids really enjoyed their ice cream.” She also says: “[Brad and Angie] seemed very peaceful, happy. I read in the newspapers that they were having problems, but it didn’t seem the case.” Oh, and also? The twins, with their divine healing powers, brought Angie and her dad back together. Moving on: Gerard Butler went partying in Rio just a week after being in Cabo for Jen’s 41st birthday. The copy reads: “Single Jen had chosen not to join Gerard on his on-the-prowl vacation — leaving her to start her 41st year without a man in her life.” Sob! Next: Kourtney Kardashian’s baby daddy Scott Disick was out partying recently when a “heavy-set female fan” came up to him to say hello. Scott said: “Hey, how are you doing? Lose some weight.” Asshole. In other news, don’t you love how Charlie Sheen’s nanny appears to be glaring at pictures of Charlie and Brooke (see image 7)? The story about Lady Gaga’s “meltdown” is really about how she is “exhausted” from touring and devastated by Alexander McQueen’s death. “Nicole’s Dream Wedding” is just an excuse to print pictures of white dresses and glittery accessories.
Grade: D- (zabaione gelato)

In Touch
“Deal With The Devil.”
Scott Disick is Keeping Up With The Kardashians‘ “breakout star.” Which means Kourtney’s “trapped” in a “loveless relationship she has no way of getting out of.” A “friend” says: “Kourney’s never been more rich or famous in her life, but unfortunately, she’s never been more miserable. Staying with Scott is good for her bank account, but he treats her like dirt, and she’s growing unhappier by the day.” Moving on: Kendra loves her baby, but hates her body. She says that her breasts are larger now that she is breast feeding, and that she wants a breast reduction. Hmm, seems like she doesn’t realize that once she stops breast feeding her cup size will go down? Nicole Richie and Joel Madden MIGHT get married at Lionel Richie’s mansion. Or in Cabo San Lucas. Lionel Richie MIGHT write a song for Nicole, which Joel MIGHT sing at the reception. The mag has picked out gowns for Nicole and flower girl dresses for Harlow. Next: Brad Pitt has been “torn away” from Jennifer Aniston. Poor thing had to go to Italy. There, Brad and Angie “put on a lot of awkward, slow poses” that “look forced” because Angelina had been told to “try and repair her public image” before filming on The Tourist started. Angelina took Brad to Venice because that way, it’s hard for him to call Jen, due to the time difference. But um, doesn’t he live in France most of the year? Anyways, a “friend” says it hurts Jen to know Brad is suffering. Because there’s nothing sadder than having to eat gelato with your life partner and kids. Speaking of the kids, the mag asks: “Why aren’t they in school?” Breaking: Suri travels the globe with her blankie (see image 8)! Also inside: Matthew Fox cheated on his wife of 17 years with a stripper in Oregon, where he just built a home. The young lady’s name is Stefani Talbott, and she gave an “exclusive” interview in which she says that she slept with him two times in the past year — and lost her job because the club has strict rules about dating customers. Here’s how she describes their encounter: “He had been making fun of the fact that I had my nipples pierced, and he said that he was going to ‘take care of that.’ He got a toolbox and tried to take my nipple rings out with a wrench, but it didn’t work.” The mag continues: “After that, one thing lead to another.” Ooh, did he fix her car? No. “They had sex twice.” She says: “He didn’t tell me to keep it a secret or anything. He didn’t even use protection. He didn’t seem concerned at all.” Later she found out he was married, but slept with him again anyway. She tells the mag: “I couldn’t believe I was having sex with someone’s husband and father.” The 25-year-old adds: “He was my mom’s favorite on Party Of Five. Scott Wolfe was my favorite.” Finally: Ellen is making “diva demands” on American Idol. She’s insisting that Portia de Rossi be a guest judge and asking for a Mercedes as a sign-on bonus. Plus, she wants to do appearances with Randy so people will take her seriously, dawg.
Grade: D (fior di latte gelato)

Star
“Back In Love”
Despite his partying and her announcement that she wanted open relationship, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are in love. They’re in Venice and, according to a source, “the change of scene and the fact that they’re all together in one place has done wonders. Angie believes she can actually be happy with Brad again.” Brad reached out to Jon Voight because, “he thought that if Angelina and Jon could forgive each other, then it would help his own relationship with her. After all, Angie’s dad is the one who caused so many of her issues with men.” Gelateria owner Beatrice Zennaro says: “Brad bought Angelina a lemon ice in a cup, and a caramelo for one of the babies. You can tell they have a strong love for each other.” Moving on: Casey Aldridge’s family is pushing him to take Jamie Lynn Spears to court because they think if he fights for custody, he could get money out of JLS. A “Spears insider” says: “His family told him he could be another Kevin Federline and rake in the cash by being a stay-at-home dad.” Blind item! “Which quirky actress slept her way to a role on a long-running hit show? Now that there’s talk of a movie version, she’s offering the series creator more sex, even though she’s married.” Jennifer Aniston bought a $3,000 telescope, and a “friend” says “she’s always looking to expand her horizons.” You mean she’s not looking for Brad on his motorcycle, finally coming to profess his undying love? Huh. Kelly Rutherford was hanging on Chace Crawford during a fashion week party and she said: “This is one of those guys. If you go out with him, you don’t have to worry about dressing him — you want to undress him.” Jessica Simpson had margaritas with a “hunky” actor named Evan Hart and an eyewitness says Evan had his arm around her, and even kissed her, OMG. There are pictures here of Vicky from RHOC kissing a 25-year-old college student two weeks after she renewed her vows with her husband. Finally: “Heidi Montag’s boobs are fake, but the feelings she has for the doctor who surgically enhanced her are all too real.” An insider says: “Heidi has known Dr. Frank Ryan for years, but lately, she’s totally crushing on him and comes up with any excuse she can to stop by his office.” Spencer is “shocked” and “jealous.”
Grade: D+ (fragola gelato)

Us
“How I Got Thin.”
Kelly Osbourne is so damn likable! She lost 42 lbs., and the magazine calls this going “from flab to fab.” she says: “Before dancing with the stars, I thought, I’m always going to be heavy. I’d better get used to it… After [the show], I started the Bar Method. I do it three times a week, not every day — I don’t have that kind of dedication. Working out sucks, it’s miserable. You sweat and you stink, but then you’re done — and you see that just taking an hour three times a week can change you so much. It becomes addictive.” She also says: “I took more hell for being fat than I did for being an absolute raging drug addict. I will never understand that.” Later, she sighs: “Now I’ve actually read in some magazines that I’m too skinny. You can never ever ever win.” Moving on: Photoshop of Horrors! Prince William had a full head of brown hair on the cover of a recent issue of Hello magazine. (see image 9) A St. James Palace source says: “The photos were retouched ever so slightly.” Oh yes, quite. Ever so. Then the source drank a spot of tea and said, “Pip pip cheerio.” In the story called “Brangelina’s Big Italian Adventure,” the mag claims that the gelato flavors eaten by the Jolie-Pitt kids were: “passion fruit for Pax, chocolate vanilla for Shiloh, and fruit cocktail and chocolate for Zahara and Maddox.” But we just read something different! How much gelato did the kids eat?!? Why does every report claim that they consumed a different flavor??? And how can we be down with Beatrice Zennaro???? Next: A source says that at a BAFTA party in London, Josh Hartnett and Mary-Kate Olsen made out. In fact, “Josh pinned her against a wall and started making out with her in a dimly-lit corridor.” Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr couldn’t be together for Valentine’s Day, but he made sure she wasn’t lonely: “My friend took her out,” he says. The Kardashian story here is about how Kourtney and Scott say “Everything is amazing.” Yawn. Creepy pix of the day? “Um, Yes, We’re Siblings!” (see image 10) Lastly: Hilary Duff’s “surprise” engagement took place in the privacy of a hotel room at the Four Seasons in Maui, yet there are photographs of the proposal and of Hilary taking a cameraphone shot of her ring.
Grade: C- (gianduia gelato)