This Week In Tabloids: Katie Left Tom Before Scary Scientologists Could Get to Suri

By Dodai Stewart  |  July 11, 2012 | 8:00pm
Celebrities

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we tolerate the strange sounds issued forth from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week: There might be a twist ending to The Bachelorette; Taylor Swift stays up nights thinking about the Zapruder footage; Angelina has had quite enough of Rihanna’s vagina; and Katie Holmes’s spine has a tale to tell.

Ok!
“At Home With New Baby!”
Kourtney Kardashian had a baby. “I am so excited,” she said. The end. Oh, no, one other item in here: A source claims that Kim Kardashian has Google alerts on her cellphone, laptop an iPad (that’s not exactly how it works, but okay) and: “If the number of alerts goes down, she starts to panic.” These mood swings confuzzle poor Kanye West: “He can’t believe there is someone out there with an ego bigger than his.” That makes two of us, Yeezy.
Grade: F (the sound of retching and splatter as someone projectile vomits)

Life & Style
“Kourtney’s Baby Girl!”
The story here claims that Kourtney Kardashian gave birth to a baby girl, and that “Auntie Kimmie” has been raving about the infant and Kanye West sent flowers to Kourtney’s house. But everyone knows that Kim is called Aunt Kiki and not Auntie Kimmie so you really have to question the veracity of anything else in this issue. (In addition, that picture of little Mason on the cover is cropped to make it seem like he’s looking at his new baby sister, but that photograph was taken at Christmastime and he is looking at something, but not his new baby sister.) Also inside: A piece about The Bachelorette called “Secrets of the Proposal” reveals that one of the two guys Emily Maynard had to choose from DUN DUN DUN got down on one knee and PROPOSED at the end of the show, which is the fucking premise of the show, so this is not news, especially since the mag doesn’t tell us which dude it was. On a happier note, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi “downsized” from a $40 million estate to an $18 million mansion, and I want to go to there. (See Fig. 1) The kitchen! The books! The pool! Can’t you just picture putting on your jammies and piling into bed with them to watch Animal Planet?
Grade: D (the sound of something scraping against something else)

In Touch
“Katie’s Weight Plummets”
Katie Holmes has a “bony back.” And you won’t believe this, but apparently the woman getting a divorce from a globally famous movie star is “very stressed.” Explains a friend, “Like many people, she doesn’t eat when she’s stressed.” A fitness expert weighs in, adding that losing weight suddenly is a “physical reaction to her body coping with stress.” Thank Xenu we had an expert to explain that to us! Katie has also been seen — GASP — biting her nails and “looking tired.” Let’s move on: “Dumped On TV” is all about how Emily The Bachelorette ends up with a man who was NOT her first choice. The dude she really wanted rejected her at the very last minute, and said, “I don’t think we should get engaged.” Oops. An insider explains: “She was crying and begging him to reconsider.” She even blurted out: “You’re the one I want to pick!” But Emily’s dream man, the copy claims, “walked off the show — and out of her life.” Wait wait wait. A romance arranged by TV producers didn’t work out? You don’t say! Next up, Joe Manganiello has a type, and, uh, sorry, it’s too sad to talk about, especially if you are me or Retta (See Fig. 2) And last, but not least: Ashley Greene, Miley Cyrus, Kelly Ripa and Victoria Beckham are “Addicted To Exercise!” Apparently Miley takes 90-miute Pilates classes six days a week and runs before class; she says exercising is her “favorite part of the day.” If I had her bank account my favorite part of the day would be napping by the pool while cabana boys refill empty margarita glasses but like, whatever.
Grade: C (the sound of microphone feedback)

Us
“What She Knows”
“How Katie Beat Tom” sounds like some kind of domestic violence instructional, or like Tom Cruise is an elaborate but very predictable video game (“How Katie Beat Donkey Kong.”) Or maybe marriage is a game, and the first one to file for divorce wins? Anyway. The story tells us that Katie has been talking to Nicole Kidman over the last few weeks, since Nic is one of the few people who can actually understand what Joey Potter is going through. A source spills: “Nicole has been supportive, saying she’s been through it too and to hang in there.” Nicole Kidman, kitten on a branch poster. Meanwhile, the article continues to try and convince us that the divorce was a chess match — one section is titled “Queen Takes King” — and explains that Katie decided to end things now because Suri is at a critical age for entrance into the Church of Scientology. Things ramp up when kids hit school age, and Katie didn’t want Suri to do any of the weird shit kids to at Scientology School or Camp: forced confessions, being held in rooms, mental anguish, etc. Hey, remember the bizarro Scientology Catalog? Good times. Anyway, Katie was living under “Cruise control” — all of her mail had to be sent to Tom’s team to open first — and she’s glad to get out. But she worries what Tom and his people will say to Suri; apparently Celebrity Centre head Tommy Davis turned Tom and Nicole’s kids against Nicole, telling them she was a sociopath… and they believed him, which is why Connor and Isabella rarely see Nicole today. Sigh. Let’s move on! Taylor Swift and Patrick Schwarzenegger have crushes on each other, and were seen in Hyannis Port kicking sand at each other and giggling and pulling pigtails and probably sipping one milkshake from two straws. TSwift is “an obsessed Kennedy fan” who collects JFK memorabilia, because of course she is. Would Maria Shriver find that creepy? Next, Andrew Garfield and Robert Pattinson have a “bitter rivalry” in which AG thinks RPatz is basically a cheesy boybander and not a serious actor. “Guess The Wife!” reveals hairdos and noses of the past (See Fig. 3) Finally, Katy Perry was asked what’s next on her agenda now that her documentary has hit theaters. She replied: “I’m going into a cave! And I want to take my extensions out and feel my head again, even if I look like a freak.” You heard it here first.
Grade: C+ (quick fart)

Star
“Why Tom Let Katie Win”
Again with the gaming metaphors! The cover and the inside story don’t have much to do with each other; inside there are quotes like “Tom will do whatever it takes to make sure he comes out on top” and “He’s made it clear that he’s willing to spend every last cent fighting for Suri.” Then there’s a sidebar about how we can see Katie’s spine now, and that spine tells us she is “GETTING SCARY SKINNY” as “THE SPLIT TAKES ITS TOLL.” (See Fig. 4) In the end, though, Katie has a $5 million payout from Tom already in her bank account, $100K a month for the next five years, and a $30K a month credit card for Suri. The mind reels, does it not? Let’s move on. Also inside: A hard-hitting exposé titled “Bulging Muscles Look Mannish” informs us that “there’s a fine line between looking toned and having the Hulk whimper in fear.” Basically: Strength is only for dudes! Women, it is your duty to appear weak and helpless at all times. What a steaming heap of toro caca. Seriously, can you believe this tone-deaf piece was even published? By the same magazine that mocks the “worst beach bodies”? And so close to the Olympics? Infuriating. (See Fig. 5) After hearing Pax sing the (naughty) lyrics to “Birthday Cake,” Angelina Jolie has banned Rihanna’s music in her house. Mariah Carey wants J.Lo’s job on American Idol, and since she is hilarious every time she’s on QVC, producers think she’d be great. Blind items! (see Fig. 6) I spy Jonah Hill and Melissa Joan Hart? Next, Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are on the rocks, especially since Selena worked on that movie Spring Breakers. A source explains: “She was spending a lot of time with older guys, and it made her want to start exploring her options.” Sounds like someone’s pining for James Franco. J’Anthrax news: Justin gets his chest waxed because Jen likes it like that. Royals news: Prince William and Kate Middleton are “a dispassionate couple stuck in the sexless rut of a decade-long relationship.” They’re not boning! He has no time, and when he does have free time, he comes home drunk, and she’s all, “Oy! Ya couldn’t pick up the old dog and bone and give yer missus a ring?” Last, but not least: Mila Kunis is “fed up” with Demi Moore’s endless calls and texts to Ashton Kutcher. Everytime Ashton and Mila get to hooking up, Ashton’s phone buzzes or bleeps, and it is ALWAYS Demi. Mila is pissed off, and man this is just like the time Kelso did that stupid thing and Jackie got mad.
Grade: D+ (the sound of someone being strangled)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Life & Style

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from Us

Fig. 4, from Star

Fig. 5, from Star

Fig. 6, from Star

 
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