This Week In Tabloids: Justin Timberlake & Olivia Munn's "Amazing Sex"

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Margaret and I search for bubbling hot gossip in the celebrity weeklies. Today, we learned how Justin Timberlake fucked — and fucked over — Olivia Munn.

Ok!
“Teen Mom Shockers!”
Amber and Gary broke up on October 19. Someone texted Gary, and Amber thought it was a girl, but it was just a friend. Amber freaked out, and Gary hustled her to the front door, opened it, pushed her on to the porch and shut the door. Amber was left standing outside in her underwear, and police took her home. Since then, the baby, Leah, has been staying with Gary. The magazine spoke with Gary’s best friend Andrew Swan — we’d previously heard from his best friend Jordan Sanchez, but Andrew is new — and Andrew says, “I’ve been hanging out with Gary the whole time and Amber hasn’t called him once.” Gary keeps calling Amber, but when she answers, she says she’s too busy to talk. She hasn’t asked about Leah. In Maci news, she is planning to move from Tennessee to L.A. with her son Bentley after the holidays. A source says she’s 99% confirmed to do a spinoff — and allegedly the show would be Maci teaming up with Bristol Palin in a Teen Mom Meets The Hills series. OMG SRSLY?!?! Ryan, Maci’s babydaddy, says: “She says a lot of things that aren’t true.” In a piece called “Cute Vs. Beautiful” — which is inspired by a recent quote from Joan Collins — we learn that Miley Cyrus is cute, while Taylor Swift is beautiful. On the “The Big Debate” page, a rep from the Parents Television Council and noted Playboy Bunny Holly Madison both weigh in on the Glee GQ photoshoot. Holly says: “I think [the photoshoot] is really cute and sexy” and “GQ is not Tiger Beat” and “the show isn’t aimed at young children either, it tackles mature topics. Also, I like the tube socks.” In “A Tour Of The Stars’ Homes,” you can see pictures of Gywneth Paltrow’s New York loft, Jennifer Lopez’s mansion in L.A. and Alicia Keys’ house on Long Island, all of which are on the market. Lastly: For some reason, this magazine has a story about the 1996 murder of JonBenet Ramsey, so if you’re into that, take a look.
Grade: F (Popsicle with severe freezer burn)

Life & Style
“Betrayed By Her Man.”
The cover story catalogs Teresa Giudice’s husband’s love of strip clubs. Some former strippers dish about him being a lap dance enthusiast, and the strip club he frequented is known for prostitution. (Or should we say PROSTITUTION WHORE?) He used to call his office The Boom Boom Room, and when he remodeled and tried to give away his couch, no one wanted it. Next, in Teen Mom news, Jordan Sanchez, Gary’s other best friend, says Gary wants custody of Leah, and that he’s seen Amber take Klonopin. He heard that Amber is bipolar and would tell Gary, “Come home or I’m going to kill myself,” and Gary would do as she said. In a sidebar, the magazine worries that Amber may be crazy because she’s on weight-loss pills.
Grade: F (melting Icee)

In Touch
“Revenge Romance.”
Apparently Kourtney Kardahian has been chatting with a “sexy male model” named Leandro, whom she met in Miami, but there is little or no news here, no one “broke free.” Recently Kourtney was seen being swept up in Scott “American Psycho” Disick’s arms, but “it only seemed to be for the benefit of the cameras.” When they stopped rolling, Scott ignored Kourtney. Yawn, moving on: Katie Holmes is being anti-social and “acting like a recluse” on the set of the Adam Sandler movie Jack and Jill. When she is not filming, she the takes lunchtime Scientology classes or works out in her trailer and doesn’t hang with any cast or crew members. The mag spins this as that she’s being controlled by Tom from 6,000 miles away — he’s in Prague shooting Mission Impossible 4. “What’s Their Best Weight” (see image 7) is one of the most offensive spreads we’ve ever seen: Basically, the magazine editors — none of whom are medical professionals, as far as we know, inform us of the “perfect weight” for Jennifer Hudson, Kelly Osbourne and Jessica Simpson. Rage! Angelina Jolie is “struggling to keep it together” while directing her film in Budapest; she’s sleeping only five hours a night, working 12 hour days, six days a week, and “gotten so skinny the local press has dubbed her The Crow.” Just another let’s shame a working woman story! At a recent event, Carrie Underwood “looked like a stick figure with a baby bump,” according to witness, so she is pregnant. Amber from Teen Mom has been “traumatized” by her childhood, and her friends say that her mom used to hit her, and once, Amber had red marks on her neck and explained that her mom had choked her. Finally: David Arquette has “embarrassed Courteney again” by getting wasted at a party in L.A. and “dancing provocatively with several petite strippers.” By petite, they mean Little People (see image 8).
Grade: F (fountain soda with lots of crushed ice)

Star
“Kourtney & Scott Elope!”
“Scott Disick is sweeping Kourtney Kardashian off her feet these days — literally.” “He lifted her up in his arms and twirled her around as she giggled uncontrollably,” says some source. Some source also says: “They’re going to elope. It’s only a matter of time before they’re on a plane to Vegas.” But they didn’t elope, so the cover is a lie. Although sources claim they will throw huge parties to celebrate their marital bliss and those will be filmed for TV of course. Knifestyles: Did Lea Michele get nose job? It’s inconclusive. (see image 9). Snooki is dating a 23-year-old college student named Gionni LaValle. He’s not a juicehead gorilla, not a big drinker, and is inspiring Snickers to drink less. The following people were rejected from The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: Lisa Rinna, Larry’s King’s wife Shawn, Alanna Stewart and Marla Maples. Blind item! “Which new celebrity dad was trapped by his scheming baby mama? An insider says she knew the notorious ladies man would never leave her if she got pregnant, so that’s just what she did. Her next goal? Get him to marry her.” COUGHMARIOLOPEZCOUGH. Courteney Cox and David Arquette have been having breakup sex. An insider says: “There’s suddenly tons of electricity between them and they’ve been making booty calls in the past few weeks.” But they’re not getting back together, because the damage is too deep. In a Real Housewives Of Atlanta “bombshell,” Kim is pregnant and “her lesbian lover tells all.” Kim Zolciak is knocked up by Atlanta Falcons player Kroy Viermann. Kim told Tracy Young, “I want you to raise this baby with me, because Kroy is not interested.” But then Kroy and Kim got back together and Kim kicked Tracy out. Oh! And there are pictures of Kim and Tracy in bed together, and KIM IS NOT WEARING HER WIG. (see image 10), Penn Badgley and Blake Lively have broken up, and a source says it’s because she wants to get married and have kids, and he wants to focus on his acting and music. Sniffle.
Grade: D (room temperature glass of water)

Us
“Justin Caught Cheating”
Justin Timberlake and Olivia Munn met when she was was the mediator of a MySpace Social Network LiveChat. Spotted out together on September 27th, in the back of NYC’s Avenue nightclub, Justin and Olivia’s chemistry was “undeniable.” They were holding hands, whispering in each others’ ears, and left together. Thus began a “passionate sexual liaison.” He told her he was single. See, after they met, he started texting her a lot. “He’s been telling people it’s over with Jessica Biel, but the reality is, he’s just doing it behind her back.” Olivia and Justin were seen being “openly affectionate” when he took her to her hotel, and they had “amazing sex.” He was “enamored of her,” and an insider says: “He plays girls and tells them things are over with Jessica to get them hooked. But as soon as they put the pressure on, he has to admit that he’s still with her.” Olivia “feels used,” and “realized he lied to her and was not single.” SCANDALOUS. In Justin Bieber’s “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me,” he says: “The only sneakers I wear multiple times are the ones I wear on stage.” What is happening to all of The Beeb’s gently used kicks?!?! Here is a picture of Alexander Skarsgard in uniform for the Battleship movie (see image 11). Kim Kardashian is having “secret dates” with Kanye West, John Mayer and Napster’s Sean Parker. So secret they will be on the next season of her show?!? Finally: Jessica Simpson went to dinner in L.A. with her boyfriend Eric Johnson, and while they were dining, her ex-husband Nick Lachey walked in to the restaurant with his ladyfriend Vanessa Minnillo. Jessica quipped to a waiter: “I hope Vanessa likes her clothes, because I bought them for her, since Nick took all my money.” Jessica proceeded to down margaritas and do shots of tequila.
Grade: B+ (steaming cup of strong coffee)