This Week In Tabloids: John Travolta Took Tom Cruise On a Sex Retreat

“Poor Kate!” cries Life & Style, not sure if we got the message the first 9,000 times they said it. POOR KATE MIDDLETON. POOR, POOR KATE. This princess might as well be in HELL, for all the happiness she is allowed. Between “serious health concerns” and “family drama,” “Kate’s labor and delivery were doomed to be anything but calm.” Oh, I though she relinquished her right to a calm and low-key childbirth when Eve ate the apple or whatever? “Kate feels like she is in the center of a storm” because “relations among the in-laws are very frosty”—her parents are hogging baby George, and Prince Charles will “have choice words—or at least dirty looks—for the Middletons if they run into each other at the hospital.”

Things are “getting bleaker every day” for Teresa Giudice in prison. It’s a poop thing, really, and you know what, isn’t everything? Insider: “It’s gross. There’s no toilet seats, either. Teresa has to sit on a stainless steel toilet bowl.” Okay, you obviously aren’t supposed to sit on it, Teresa, use your brain. Here’s more Patrick + Miley news: Patrick would like Miley to go back to school, now, please. “Miley rarely reads, she can’t spell and her vocabulary is incredibly limited.” These gaps in her basic education are “affecting their romantic and social life,” and Patrick “believes she’d benefit from some writing and verbal skills.”

MISCELLANY: Now it’s Jennifer Aniston who’s calling off her wedding to Justin Theroux, not the other way around, which is crazy: “Jen panicked and was a runaway bride!” overstates Life & Style, because she hasn’t “fully worked through her grief and sense of failure” stemming from her divorce from Brad Pitt. Hey, moving on from your horrible failures is just what being a woman is all about! Other fun romantic items about easygoing couples: “Mariah doesn’t want to give Nick a dime over $10 million,” and Nick Cannon is “furious.” So furious, “he’s considering spilling all of her secrets.” I think I’ve learned about all I can take, personally. And Kris Jenner is pushing Khloé Kardashian to get back together with Lamar Odom for ratings: “Kris told her this is business and that she should put her feelings aside and sign on for a new Khloé and Lamar series.” Back the heck off, Mrs. Bennett, am I right?

Grade: D (Trapped in a closet with the remaining hosts of Fashion Police)

OK!

KATE’S DRAMATIC DELIVERY!

Okay, here is this again: “Just imagine how exhausted Duchess Kate must be,” begins OK! in a hushed tone. She’s doing all this work, and she’s suuuper pregnant, and the Queen is a freaking psycho, and like sorry Charles but Kate doesn’t want to hang out with you right now!!!! “Nobody could fault Kate for preferring her own family to her stodgy father-in-law at such a vulnerable time.” For real! Back stateside, Angelina Jolie “snubbed” Amal Clooney by not hanging out with her when Amal came to New York. “She respects the work Amal does, but it’s all she ever talks about—it gets boring.” God Amal! You of all people should know that Angelina Jolie doesn’t want to talk about human rights!

Taylor Swift does get drunk, everybody, it’s just that she “relies on a series of elaborate disguises to avoid being recognized during wild nights out.” She’s got an “enormous” wig collection! But obviously Taylor changes into “something sexier” once she gets to the club, can’t have that false mustache falling into her vodka soda! Speaking of canoodling, Kendra Wilkinson won’t let her husband Hank Baskett come to the gym with her because a girl has got to flirt! “Both her trainers are men, and she loves it,” coos a source. And, lastly: Divorced couple Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr hate each other but love hooking up. “They claim it enhances their communication skills” as co-parents. Why not!

Grade: D (A date with Mark Ruffalo, but he wants to have a wasabi-eating contest before you seal the deal)

Star

30 YEAR GAY SECRET

I’m going to let Star take the lead here: “Three decades ago, John Travolta took a huge interest in a handsome, little-known actor named Tom Cruise—and whisked him away for a week in the wilderness together.” Specifically, the “woods” of Oregon, at some Scientology school. And…that’s pretty much it, folks! Despite the fact that this article supplies little to no evidence of a gay partnership between La Cruise and La Travolta, and despite the fact that they have been seen together, like, three times in the past decade, I find this to be the most believable thing I’ve read all day.

Kate Middleton’s BFF Emma Sayle is the founder and CEO of Killing Kittens (yes), “a highly successful sex party business that caters to the rich and racy.” Sayle’s “x-rated job” is driving the royal family TOTALLY bananas! “The Queen thinks it’s so embarrassing that Kate would associate with someone like Emma,” whose gang bang parties offer “a night of champagne, oysters and anonymous sex.” Big whoop, I call that “Tuesday” 😉

Kaitlyn Bristowe is the “phoniest Bachelorette EVER!” because she allegedly already had a boyf named Trevor back in ye old Canadia. Trevor is a “handsome firefighter.” Whatever Kaitlyn, we all have a “boyfriend” named “Trevor” back in “Canada,” grow up! Other stufff: Kevin Bacon is a cranky mess on the set of The Following: “He plays a miserable detective who is always unhappy, and since he’s a Method actor, he stays like that once the cameras stop rolling!” Bummer city! “It’s not like Kevin, but he’s had to keep himself in a bad mood to play his character.” Also, Jake Gyllenhaal has a crush on Dakota Johnson, and Kat Dennings and Josh Groban “have quickly established themselves as a bitter couple who are extremely mean to people.” They’re two brunettes who are good at Twitter, so, duh!

Grade: D (Running into John Travolta in the woods)

Addendum:

Fig. 1, Star

Fig. 2, inTouch

Fig. 3, inTouch

Fig. 4, Star

Fig. 5, inTouch