Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we hunch over a boiling cauldron, tirelessly stirring a thick, frothing stew of Kardashian sweat and Ansel Elgort's baby teeth on an endless loop until brunch, finally, is served. "I just want a bite!" we lie. This week: Kris Jenner is determined to make money off Bruce's transition; Bruce is like, whatever, but my new name is Belinda; Teresa Giudice is having an amazing time in prison so far; Kate Middleton and Prince William are having a lil' princess; and Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson are kaput.
Are you ready to learn?
KRIS DRAGS BRUCE TO COURT!
You know that feeling, when you're out of Kris Jenner jokes? Anyway, Kris Jenner "wants her piece of the pie" re: Bruce Jenner's transition, because she "loves money" and also, he owes her! Why, you ask? "After enduring 22 years of marriage—many spent in the spotlight—to a man who desperately wanted to be a woman," Kris is confident that she deserves a cut of his new reality TV deal. inTouch isn't, like, a law expert, but they're pretty sure she could "definitely sue."
Brad and Angelina, wind-chapped by the angry gusts of monogamy, are in a "desperate bid" to save their marriage. After being spotted arguing "mercilessly" on a balcony somewhere, showing each other literally no mercy, it's being said that "divorce is something they're both weighing heavily." Elsewhere in the actually-probably-fucked-up alterna-verse of Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon, a former nanny teases us with a look "INSIDE THEIR HOUSE OF HORRORS." The fun, chill, casual, friendly, drama-free duo are being sued by former nanny Simonette DaCosta, who claims she was underpaid and eventually fired for showing "too much affection" to their twins. Her life allegedly included 120-hour work weeks, no meal breaks, and some occasional plate-throwing. Also, Mariah "is said to have had her staff fill a bathtub with chocolate truffle gelato." I don't...totally get why that last one is such a huge deal, but okay.
Even though Teresa Giudice has "already bonded" with prison roomies Lil, Sunshine, Crystal and Charlene, and she "gets her hair set with rollers by the Dominican [inmates]," and her downtime is spent "answering fan mail, watching TV, and bragging about her post-prison plans," things are NOT as amazing as they may seem in the Federal Correctional Sleepaway Camp For Innocent Ladies Who Love To Work Out! She's totally, totally, totally making enemies, no word on exactly who/why, but there's a pretty strong chance she's getting shanked this week so stay tuned.
A bunch of losers are feuding: Giuliana Rancic is "loving" all of Maria Menounos's fuckups on E! because she wants Maria gone, and some sad schmuck who okay-ed being referred to as an "Osbourne insider" says that Kelly Osbourne, who definitely did at one point hang out with Miley Cyrus, you guys, has "had it with Miley. They never hang out anymore because Kelly is disgusted by Miley's gross behavior. Kelly told her she needs to cover up, and cool it on the partying." Miley's like, pew pew, bitch.
And finally—hope you guys haven't eaten recently—Ansel Elgort, actor-DJ, was seen crawling on the court at a New York Knicks game "to retrieve his fallen smartphone." Has anything worse ever happened???
Grade: C (A starvation diet of Four Loko and grapes)
TERESA SPEAKS FROM PRISON
In this week's Life & Style cover story, we're offered our thousandth glimpse into the Life and Times of Teresa Giudice. "Locked behind bars at the Federal Correctional Institute in Danbury, Connecticut, the fallen reality star hasn't been heard from since. Until now," intones a writer who borrowed her friend's Adderall. Teresa is reportedly telling friends, "I'll be rich again." Probably, yeah, what is life? Her plan to make millions post-prison allegedly includes "write a memoir," "shoot a spin-off," "get paid to speak," learn to speak. Teresa's "exact words," according to a pal? "I'll bounce back bigger than Martha." Am I writing a rap right now? Oh, and Joe is "the reason she's in prison, so she 100 percent doesn't miss him." Really?
Word is that a recent Miley Cyrus Instagram—in which Miley rocks a black tank top and squished-together boobs above the caption: "Do yiew tink if I push muah titties up I'll get mo followahhhzzzz?"—was a direct swipe at Selena Gomez, who not one week earlier had pushed her OWN titties up in a black tank top on social media. Selena retaliated a few days later, when a friend "posted a pic of him and Selena sticking their tongues out, mocking Miley's go-to move." And with that, "the long-simmering battle between the two former Disney stars exploded into an all-out war!" They hate each other b/c "Selena heard reports that Miley was seeing Justin behind her back," and Selena was herself wont to call Miley "trailer trash" behind her back. Also, "during a stop on her Bangerz tour in 2014, Miley grabbed a cardboard cutout of Selena and threw it into the audience while performing her hit 'FU.'"
Bachelor Chris "Farming" has a "hidden dark side," let's fucking hope so; it has been discovered that he's had "a shocking 20 run-ins with the law"—which truly is an astounding feat for a tree stump. Producers were pissed that they weren't able to shoot an episode in Canada "because of the DUI." Insider: "The Canadian border patrol is really strict about that." :( And now, for an Important George and Amal update: While Amal had her Big Day in Court, Clooney was chowing down on some spicy tuna 6,000 miles away!!!!! That is not a sex joke, he really was eating sushi and being unsupportive!!!! They aren't going to see each other until March, and "even more troubling, the couple actually welcomed the break." Happiness Ends On Yer Wedding Day. Britney Spears' new boyf Charlie Ebersol sounds annoying, has introduced her to "the ancient art of meditation" because "he's always been interested in self-help and a clean lifestyle," go away.
Grade: F (When you hate that you're a mouth-breather, but you can't stop breathing out of your mouth)
YES, IT'S A GIRL!
OK! was bored this week: Kate Middleton and Prince William are having a girl, and they're naming her...Diana. They "felt they needed to go with something very traditional, like Elizabeth or Mary, or something that had a lot of meaning to them." My fingers are still crossed for Dolores, tho! Here in America, when it comes to our own, way shittier royal family, drama is afoot: SCOTT DISICK is THREATENING TO TELL ALL. "He's told Kourtney that if she tries to take the kids and their money, he'll let loose enough information to humiliate her and take down her entire family." Part of which is, apparently, that Kourtney is just pretending to have the blood of an especially tired sloth in her veins: She flies into vicious rages when she's mad—and even throws things at the walls." Other info includes: Kendall's doing model drugs, Kylie had a pregnancy scare, Khloe is binge-eating, Kim is his favorite. Try harder, Scott!
Brad Pitt is totally over his friendship with George Clooney, your aunt's very confident non-Jewish friend who drank too much Manischevitz at last year's Passover seder. "At times, Brad actually finds George's behavior embarassing and childish," says a source. "That's something he never thought he'd think." ...wait, what? Sources: Sometimes, They Read Minds! Anyway, IT'S WAR!, because George is always trying to prove that he's "still Mr. Fun" and Brad is like, we're really old. Speaking of which, Robert Downey, Jr. is reportedly recording an album with Sting! Listen, they're just two boomers tryna wear newsboy caps and sing about their weird sex lives, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Miscellany: Chris Evans, 2-dimensional heartthrob, "thinks being in a relationship will make him a more appealing leading man"; Johnny Depp and fiancée Amber Heard go through $25,000 a month on champagne, probably so they can both forget how embarrassing Johnny Depp is; and Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger, "in a delirious haze" of relationship bliss/Seamless, are getting fat together. "They've each packed on 10 pounds!"
Grade: D+ (a lukewarm bath with your landlord)
$400 MILLION DIVORCE!
This isn't the front page item, but it's important to me personally: "Star has learned that Bruce [Jenner] wants to be known as Belinda." A source explains: "Inside, he has always been Belinda." If this is true, cool; if it's not true, though, holy god, Star Magazine.
Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson are on the "brink of a shocking $400 million divorce after 26 years." Because Tom is a maniac from a broken home, and Rita is tryna shake off those chains: "If he doesn't like something you've said or done, he'll let you know about his displeasure in a cold, dispassionate way." Rita was finally like, "nah," leading to "heated yelling matches." Star can't wait for the divorce; "They don't have a prenup!" crowed a source. Kris Jenner and Melanie Griffith are new BFF's, and everyone is like, why? The Truth: Melanie wants to get "back in the public eye" by hanging out with Kris, while Kris is looking for a new cash cow: "Everyone expects Kim and Kanye to quit the show; Kourtney and Scott's relationship is more toxic than ever; Khloe's a complete mess, and Bruce wants nothing to do with her schemes anymore...Kris is so besotted by fame, I think she believes Melanie will actually lend her some respectability."
Gwyneth Paltrow is "getting her groove back," according to a friend: "Gwyneth says it's time she explored her sensuality and went on a journey of discovery, maybe to Tibet to study Buddhism. She also wants to try a bunch of bizarre foods, which doesn't seem like Gwyn, since she's so picky, but she really wants to branch out." Don't bring this girl to Tibet, Gwyn. In other news, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are getting married on his private island in the Bahamas and "conch salad will certainly be on the menu," I am so relieved to hear that!! Oh, and Lady Gaga got fleas from her French bulldog, Asia.
Grade: A (A surprise visit from Rihanna's weed dealer; he's like, "Also, here's some risotto I cooked")
WHO EVEN ARE YOU ANYMORE, US WEEKLY
This dumb mag has disappointed us yet again with a notable dearth of tasteless lies. "I'm certainly not attached" to this tabloid, says Jezebel editor Emma Carmichael. Your move, Us Weekly.
Fig. 1, inTouch
Fig. 2, Life & Style
Fig. 3, inTouch
Fig. 4, inTouch
Fig. 5, Star
Fig. 6, inTouch
Fig. 7, Life & Style