This Week In Tabloids: Jennifer Garner Is Pregnant Due to Ex-Sex with Ben Affleck

I know the tabloids have been saying this for years, but this time it’s official: Kanye dumped Kim. “Long-simmering issues” between them have finally “exploded” and they are “headed for divorce.” See, the problem is that Kanye is always out of town, which bugs Kim. Or maybe the problem is that he apparently parties a lot, which makes Kim “nervous.” But maybe Kim thinks “she’s so big” that he’s “less attracted to her.” Actually, this entire piece is a mess and reads like a “Best Of” list from tabloids past. I have no idea what led to their explosive fight, but you’d better believe me when I tell you they’re over. Sorry, America.

But let’s move on to people who are just beginning: Sandra Bullock and Bryan Randall. They’re engaged because attending Jennifer and Justin’s wedding “inspired Bryan to propose.” Life & Style has all the fake details of the alleged nuptials, and lemme tell ya: they went hard on this little fanfiction spread.

• Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves “are on the guest list.” (No one else is named, so they must be the only attendees.)
• Louis will be the ring bearer. Or, as Life & Style says, “Louis: Cutest. Ring Bearer. Ever.”)
• Edward Scissorhands will take care of the landscape design.
• The wedding will be at “her rustic home in Wyoming,” which “provides plenty of privacy.” (Wyoming weddings are so hot now!)
• Sandra’s dress will be made of a “lightweight fabric” that will “allow her to dance the night away!”

How odd that was to read, and how odd it must have been to write.

And Also:

• Jon Hamm wants “to win back” Jennifer Westfeldt.
• Carrie Ann Inaba, a woman I’ve never heard of, is feuding with Julianne Hough, a woman I’ve heard of but could not describe to you in a sentence.
• Gwyneth wanted to be in the movie version of Downton Abbey and everyone at Downton Abbey was like, “Thanks but nah!”
• Kate Gosselin will never date again!
• Drew Barrymore and Nicole Richie are fighting over who gets to plan Cameron Diaz’s baby shower because, some weeks, the tabloids decide to print things that make no sense.
• Kate Middleton wants Harry to “ditch” Cressida Bonas.
• If you don’t wear ‘70s platform shoes, don’t bother even existing in this decade.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D+ (Drew Barrymore and Nicole Richie are fighting over planning your baby shower.)

In Touch

JULIA & JEN: DIVORCE BOMBSHELLS!

OK, this won’t take long. Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston are divorcing, and Julia Roberts and Danny Moder are divorcing. Why, you ask? Because it was their time. The gods of love looked down on the landfill of Los Angeles during one of those smog-free days and said, “No. This is where it ends for these four. It is time for them to move on and find happiness in the arms of others.” Wow. I can hardly believe it.

Another thing I can’t believe is that Josh Duggar apparently had sex with MORE THAN ONE porn star! The woman, whose name has not been revealed, claims she “hooked up with Josh” and that, you know what? No. I’m not going to keep doing this one.

Please take a long, hard look at this gem from In Touch’s interview with Arnold Schwarzenegger:

And Also:

• Scott Disick is probably “drunk, high, and alone with the kids” right now.
• Shawn Booth and Kaitlyn Bristowe are “sleeping in separate beds,” because their “romance is a lie.” Also because Edward Scissorhands poked a hole in their waterbed with his scissorfinger, thereby rendering it unusable.
• Selena Gomez keeps having panic attacks, and it’s probably because of Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber, by the way, is the worst reason for any panic attack.
• Taraji P. Henson hates Terrence Howard because she has two eyes, two ears, a functioning brain.
• Wear burgundy or I’ll throw Burgundy all over your non-burgundy outfit.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: C+ (Edward Scissorhands pokes a hole in your waterbed with his scissorfinger.)

Star:

KHLOE’S $3 MILLION MAKEOVER

Khloé Kardashian, the Kardashian-Jenner sister with the irritating accent mark I often choose not to use because it feels like a waste of time, has a very expensive body. Sources tell Star the app mogul has “spent close to $3 million on her makeover,” and it has made her “more confident than she has ever been.” In addition to a $130,000-a-year personal trainer, Khloé has spent money on a “nose job, breast implants, a Brazilian butt-lift, and liposuction.” She has yet to have the accent mark surgically removed.

Because this is a very bad issue of Star, the next big story is about Nick Carter. Apparently he’s clean and sober, which is always good news. Unfortunately, it’s not terribly interesting news.

Moving on – oh wait, actually…there’s nothing good left. Well, apart from this headline:

And Also:

• Reese Witherspoon slimmed down because working with Nicole Kidman on an upcoming TV series made her self-conscious.
• Scott Disick “hired a stock market tutor” because he wants to learn the ins and outs of Wall Street.
• Edward Scissorhands was seen canoodling with Winona Ryder.
• Nicole Richie and Joel Madden haven’t had sex in a while, which feels like a strange thing for me to know and share with all of you.
• Jason Derulo “is” “in” “love” “with” “Tori” “Kelly.”

Wrong Answer:

Grade: F (You feel the need to make life decisions based on Nicole Kidman’s weight.)

Appendix:

Fig. 1 – In Touch