Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I sniff the tabloids, searching for the sweet aroma of gossip. Today, Tony Parker’s accused of sending “hundreds” of suspicious texts, while Angelina and Brad prepare for a New Year’s wedding.
Ok!
“Just Married!”
Margaret would have no qualms with this story if the cover crowed about having exclusive shots from the set of the latest Twilight flick Breaking Dawn; they’ve been filming the wedding and honeymoon scenes in Brazil — and there’s pictures of Kristen Stewart in a bikini and Robert Pattinson in his underwear in here. But the “Just Married” headline is so misleading and dumb. They were “just married” in a scene for the film. Get it? Moving on: In a weird interview, Joe Simpson tells the magazine: “Jessica does not have to work anymore.” Her businesses, yes, plural, will be making a turnover of $700 million by the end of the year. And: “If there’s one woman that Jessica and I are looking at — and where I want Jessica to be — it is Angelina Jolie.” So wait… He thinks she can win an Oscar? Or that she can adopt six kids and live in France with a guy she’s not married to? Well, Angie doesn’t have a fragrance called Fancy Nights or leopard print heels in her name, so there’s that. Lastly: Mario Lopez is the star of “What I Ate Today.” Since the celebs are usually pin thin actress types, we’ve never seen someone admit to eating so much food in a tabloid magazine! His day began with an Egg McMuffin; and for dinner he went to one of Bobby Flay’s restaurants and had a “monster” seafood platter — Cajun steak with shrimp and crab legs and four sides! He also had four desserts and lots of cocktails… He calls it his “cheat meal.” We call it Friday night.
Grade: F (bad seafood stench)
In Touch
“Can’t A Mom Be Sexy?”
We did not read this story because Kendra fails to interest us. Moving on: Snooki visited Disney World and wore a tiara on rides, which, oddly enough, does interest us (see image 7.) Taylor Swift is “skinnier than ever.” A source says: “She’s never been fat, but as a singer, she never felt the pressure to be rail thin. But now that she wants to be an actress, she is suddenly well aware of her appearance and is dieting.” Angelina and Brad are “finally getting married”! It will happen during their New Year’s vacation, and the kids are the ones pushing for a wedding. Yes, it’s a ridiculous article in which the Jolie-Pitt spawn allegedly worry that their are “different” from other kids’ parents. Maddox allegedly walked into his parents’ bedroom ad found Angie in tears, and asked what was wrong. She said she was just tired. “But Maddox was still troubled.” So “while he, Pax and Brad were having dinner in their New York hotel room,” he suddenly asked Brad, out of the blue, to marry Angelina. “He said he thinks Mommy is sad they’re not married.” So! The wedding will either be in Hungary where Angelina is shooting or in New Orleans, because the kids like shrimp po’ boys. The children want Jack Black to be at the wedding because they like Kung Fu Panda, and pirate enthusiast Shiloh is “campaigning” for Johnny Depp to be there. “She likes his style,” according to a hilarious “insider.” Finally, we present without comment: Baby dolphin! (see image 8.)
Grade: F (mildewy dishrag stink)
Life & Style
“Amber Gives Up Her Baby.”
The thing about Teen Mom gossip is that it’s not fun like celebrity gossip, because stars are seemingly untouchables on pedestals, making it kind of hilarious when they trash a hotel room. But Teen Moms folks are poor people with dependents. Not funny. Also, learning information about Jessica Simpson is mildly interesting, because she would never come over to your house and tell you how she is feeling, whereas if we invited Teen Mom‘s Amber over, we’re pretty sure she’d show up. Anyway: Amber attended a house party on October 29 in her hometown in Indiana, and people were trying to take photos with her. She kept saying, “I can’t take any pictures.” But then Amber “got a couple of drinks in her” and “all of a sudden” she was up for being photographed. So there are four fuzzy snapshot in the mag. In one, the 20-year-old mom is holding a bottle of vodka; in the other she is holding a shot glass. She got drunk, dirty danced, made out with some guy on the dancefloor, and told people she was mixing booze with her meds. Moving on: Justin Bieber has a “secret life” of womanizing. He hooked up with Demi Lovato earlier this year in his dressing room, and also went on a date with Selena Gomez. A story titled “Why Is Angelina Moving The Family To France?” seems to neglect the fact that the family already lived in France. The magazine calls it the “ultimate unpatriotic move,” but then goes on to explain that the Jolie-Pitts like France because they can have kind of a normal life there — privacy, and the ability to go out without getting mobbed by fans. Next: Kate Gosselin’s show Twist Of Kate has been canceled, and Kate Plus 8‘s ratings are in the shitter. Suri Cruise is having a “lost childhood” because she has to eat at expensive restaurants instead of Chuck E. Cheese. She has to use an iPad instead of coloring books! One night in April, she went to see Mamma Mia!, and the show didn’t end until 10:45, waaaaaaay past her bedtime. THE HUMANITY. In an article about David Arquette, which maybe should have been the cover story, Jasmine Waltz, who slept with him twice, grants the mag an interview. She says they went back to his place after a party and “he really wanted it to happen.” He was aggressive and acting like it “was something he had to do.” She says, “It’s wasn’t bad sex, but it wasn’t emotional. It was quick and painless, nothing exciting.” And: “If he did cry, he didn’t do it in front of me. When we were done, he looked and me and said, ‘This is the first time I’ve felt like a man in a very long time.'” Jasmine adds: “Frankly, I feel used.” One sec, we need to reach inside our pocket and find our tiny violin. Lastly: Kate Middleton has lost a “shocking” two dress sizes since 2004. (see image 9)
Grade: D- (toxic aroma of filthy underwear)