This Week In Tabloids: David Beckham's Call Girl Tells All

Every Wednesday, we play Midweek Madness, the game in which Margaret and I read the weekly tabloids so you don’t “have” to. This week David Beckham allegedly paid a “Bosnian bombshell” $10,000 for sex; she snipes, “I wasn’t impressed.”

Ok!
“I’m Back With John!”
The magazine CLAIMS that on September 7, Jennifer Aniston had a “secret romantic rendez-vous” with John Mayer in Atlanta, at the Ritz Carlton. The two sipped champagne and organic tea. Jen’s in Atlanta filming, and John was playing shows there. The next night, Jen snuck backstage at John’s concert, wearing workout clothes and a baseball cap so no one would recognize her, and after the show, the two went back to Jen’s suite at the Ritz. Apparently John told Jen he was done hooking up with groupies and having one-night stands. Romantic! Also inside, we learned what Eva Longoria Parker ate today: First, egg whites with nothing on or in them, the same breakfast she’s had “every morning since I was six.” For a snack, she had some olives. For lunch, “I’ve been eating so badly. I had a chicken Cobb salad, but I had a vinaigrette instead of ranch. I always have the dressing tossed in.” Dinner was Dover sole with asparagus, but she admits that she sometimes skips dinner when working late.
Grade: F (your hooker doesn’t use a condom and tells all)

Life & Style
“Shiloh Manipulated By Her Mom.”
Four-year-olds are always manipulated by their parents, no? It’s called discipline. Anyway, there’s a six-page article, which claims an “insider close to the family” reveals that Angelina is “forcing” Shiloh to wear boys’ clothes. Children’s stylist (?!?!) Zoe Washington says: “Shiloh is working a lot of the big trends of the season. One big trend is black and gray. And her unlaced boots are so Gaultier high fashion.” Just FYI: In the picture being referred to, Shiloh is carrying a blankie. The “evidence” the magazine presents to prove that Shiloh isn’t dressing herself: “Angie claims Shiloh picks her own clothes, but a four-year-old would choose things that don’t go together.” Also: “Kids don’t like wearing hand me downs, so it was Angie who made Shiloh wear the same shorts Maddox had on in 2007.” The piece also claims that Angelina picked a distinct identity for each of the kids — from birth. That’s why Viv has pierced ears! Vivienne is girly, Knox is a “total boy,” Pax is “the rebellious one,” Maddox’s “military obsession” is encouraged and Zahara is “a little woman.” Recently, they went toy shopping and Shiloh picked out a wooden sword. Brad, of course, is unhappy. A source says: “He hopes this is just a phase [Shiloh] is going through. He misses his beautiful little girl.” See, she’s not beautiful anymore. She’s ugly. Because she carries a sword. The cherry on top? This story has a sidebar by noted “pregnant man” Thomas Beattie, titled, “Dressing Like A Boy Doesn’t Mean Shiloh’s Transgender.” Moving on: On September 18, Nicole Richie had a bachelorette party in Mexico, and Christina Aguilera and Samantha Ronson were there. In other news, on Fashion’s Night Out, Diddy was driving a car and almost hit Sammi from Jersey Shore and her friends. Diddy rolled down his window and said, “I love Jersey Shore! I’ve been thinking about you.” He knew one of Sammi’s friends, so he started texting that young lady and “begging” for Sammi’s number. Oh: Megan Fox has “fixed” her face — or the swelling has gone down (see image 7). Finally, Jon Hamm is “afraid” of marriage, according to the mag. The copy reads: “Instead of being a womanizer like Don Draper, Jon is loyal to his girlfriend of 13 years Jennifer Westfeldt. The article ends with a quote from a “friend,” who says, “he says his dog is their child. But Jon’s so gorgeous, it would be a crime if he didn’t reproduce.” A crime. Jail him!
Grade: D (your stylist tells all)

Us
“How I Keep It Off.”
We love Kelly Osbourne, who says of her weight loss: “Everyone always asks, what’s the secret. But there is no secret. It is the old-fashioned way of making a commitment to yourself and waking up every day and doing it.” Moving on! Brad Womack, who was on The Bachelor but was the only one ever to reject all the bachelorettes, is close to signing a contract to return to the show. “He wants to find a wife,” says a source. Meanwhile, Bachelorette Ali Fedotowski says of her wedding: “We say, do we really want to do this on TV? But people are like, you have to!” And by “people,” do you mean “network executives”? Next: Did you know that Mindy Cohn — Natalie from Facts Of Life — is the godmother to Angelina and Brad’s twins?!?! It’s true! Also: Kate Bosworth and Alexander Skarsgard have broken up. Rachel McAdams and Michael Sheen made out during the Toronto Film Festival. In Lindsay Lohan news, someone was at the Hollywood eatery Magnolia when Lindsay was sitting with her assistant and a male friend, crafting her apology on her BlackBerrry to post on Twitter. The eyewitness says, “She kept reaching over and drinking her assistant’s Jack and Coke.” And Lindsay was laughing as she was typing. Lindsay’s friends were offering suggestions on what words to use. “They kept reading it over: They were clearly architecting it to make it more personal. Her friend would say, ‘No, use setback, don’t say mistake.'” Then Lindsay giggled. Sigh. Jessica Simpson and Ken Paves aren’t talking to each other or something, because he’s sick her “cycle of dumping friends when she’s with a guy. All she talks about is men, love and sex.” Ken is now acting like BFFs with Eva Longoria Parker, and a source notes that he is launching his hair-care line in Latin America. And when a “source” sniffs, “Jessica isn’t his only client — or friend,” we suspect the source is Ken Paves.
Grade: C+ (your hairdresser tells all)

In Touch
“The Ultimate Betrayal!”
Here’s the deal. This is a “worldwide exclusive” interview with Irma Nici, a former high-class call girl who claims she slept with David Beckham five times. There’s a warning at the top of the page which reads: “This story contains explicit material that may not be suitable for minors,” but the point size on the type is REALLY small. Her account of their first time together is graphic and detailed. He got $5,000 cash out of the hotel safe, made her take a shower, she put on black lingerie, and then they “began to make out passionately.” Irma says: “I normally don’t kiss, but I thought, ‘why not?'” And: “I gave him oral with no condom, which I usually don’t do, but he was very clean and groomed. Then he did it to me. I was having fun.” Irma says she “whipped out” a condom and the two had sex for 15 minutes — nothing freaky. She faked her orgasms. As a “lover,” on a scale of 1 to 10, she gives Beckham a 7.5. Anyway, she ordered room service, and suggested they get another lady to join them. David agreed, and Irma called The Manhattan Madam and requested “an all-natural brunette.” The Manhattan Madam corroborates this story and gets her picture in the magazine too! (Sayeth she: “since my arrest I have not disclosed an of my client details, and I continue to be dedicated to confidentiality, with the exception of Eliot Spitzer… But this is Irma’s story, and it is hers to tell.” And, after the hookup, “[Irma] informed me the client was David Beckham.”) Anyway. The ladies had a girl-on-girl show for David. “He asked if we had sex toys,” Irma says. “But we didn’t. So I grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl and masturbated with that while the other girl was touching me.” There’s so much more — Beckham used lotion to jack off with but since it was scented it burned a little — but we’re not even going to get into it. Let’s just say that we believe this story — especially when it’s revealed that all this went down starting in August 2007. Meaning it’s old news. Moving on. Jennifer Lopez is moving the family to L.A. for her American Idol gig, and Marc Anthonoy is not happy. He needs to be on the East Coast because his 16-year-old daughter from his ex-girlfriend is in NYC, and his 9 and 7 year old sons from his ex-wife live in Miami. Hard times! In a Bristiol Palin interview, she says she will not show her stomach on Dancing With The Stars. “I’m a mom, I don’t want to be out there in a bikini.” Also: “I’m praying I’ll lose weight on the show.” In other news, Brad “went through the roof” when he saw a Angelina and Johnny’s steamy scenes at a screening of The Tourist. The sex scenes are “way more passionate and risqué” than Angelina had told him. And Angelina “gets naked for Johnny,” so Brad feels “jealous and betrayed now.” Gah. Next, one of those situations in which the whole story is in the headline: Kim Zolciak: “I Love My New Boobs.” (see image 8). Suri Cruise has a $6,000 Halloween costume. It’s a fairy princess gown which features a tulle skirt and pearl embroidery, and Suri plans to wear diamonds with it. In shoe news, Sarah Jessica Parker owns fewer than ten pairs of shoes; Kimora Lee Simmons owns over one thousand pairs of shoes. Lastly, there’s a cat with the word cat on his back (see image 9).
Grade: B- (your “friend” tells all)

Star
“Ashton’s Texts To His Lover.”
In a follow up to last week’s story about Ashton Kutcher cheating on Demi with Brittney Jones, we learn that on the night the two allegedly “made love on the couch,” Ashton asked Brittney to delete all the messages from him that were on her phone. “He then told me he wanted to delete the texts that I had sent him. He said they could hurt him.” After their hookup, they met at a gas station, where Ashton broke things off and again asked her to erase any messages from him. But Brittany saved a few texts in a secret file in her BlackBerry. In the texts, she writes, “hey am I going to see you tonight?” and he responds, “no can do.” In another, she asks, “when’s the next time you’re gonna have an empty house?” He replies, “not sure, maybe end of the month.” Nothing is very incriminating, and when she asks if they can be friends at some point, he replies: “For now I don’t think I should be talking to any girl that’s not my wife.” She tells the magazine: “I thought maybe he and Demi had an open relationship and I could be his girlfriend on the side — why not?” Sigh. Moving on: Warren Beatty and Annette Bening are fighting over their eldest daughter Kathlyn’s plan to undergo gender reassignment surgery. She’s been saying she wanted to get a sex change since she was 16, and has been living as a man for 2 years. A source says Annette is accepting — and even willing to pay for surgery — but Warren is “very conservative” and just can’t get with the program. Boo. Anna Kendrick is dating Michael Cera. Lindsay Lohan has been telling friends that she slipped because she found out Sam was hanging out with other girls and freaked out — even though Sam isn’t her girlfriend anymore. Lindsay had a “complete meltdown” one night and has been drinking vodka ever since… And when she failed her drug test, she had cocaine and alcohol in her system. Bristol Palin may have had a breast reduction, or the mag could be comparing a photo of her when pregnant to a photo of her now (see image 10). Oh, and the “source” in this story is Mercede Johnston, Levi’s sister. Mercde says Bristol had lipo twice. An “insider” says Bristol wants a sit-com eventually, and “thinks of herself as a Melissa Joan Hart-type.” Also inside this issue is a six-page story chock-full of Glee gossip. Apparently some of the girls on the show have been taking Adderall to control their weight. A blind item claims that one of the Glee girls has been exercising so much and eating so little, she recently collapsed on set. Lea Michele has been trying to get more creative input on scripts — she kisses up to the writers and tells everyone how she thinks they should sing a song. Matthew Morrison and Mark Salling have competitions to see who can get the number of the hottest extra on set every day. Matt has an assistant trim his chest hair every day. Cory Monteith keeps bragging about all the women in Hollywood who want him, and is dating Jessica Lee Rose, also known as lonelygirl15. Oh, and the Glee kids have cliques: Cory, Lea and Mark (Finn, Rachel and Puck) are the “cool clique,” and they never invite Artie, Tina or Brittany to hang out with them. Naya, Chris, and Amber (Santana, Kurt and Mercedes) are another clique — “They think they’re so much more gifted than the others,” says a source. “They call themselves artists, and they’re really pretentious about it.” Amber is already eying a solo career — she’s just waiting for the right time! Finally: Madonna is fighting with Carlos Leon. She is “paving the way” for Lourdes’ showbiz career, which is “infuriating” him. He’s against her being in entertainment until she’s older, and hates that she mostly hangs out with Madonna’s “older, fashion friends.” Read: Gay. Also, Madonna lets Lola go on dates — at the tender age of 13 — and Carlos doesn’t think she should be in a relationship with a boy. We find it hard to believe that Madge would let Lourdes go on a date when none of the kids are allowed to have sugar or watch TV.
Grade: B (your sister tells all)