Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers is currently brainstorming a future hit podcast on Melania Trump’s alleged body-doubles. I can already picture the Casper Mattress endorsements and Paley Center panels!

As for this week’s tabloids? Let’s dive in:

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In Touch:

I mistakenly thought this cover story involved a dramatic profile of Grace, the woman allegedly hired to impersonate Melania Trump. Reader, I couldn’t have been more wrong! Instead of co-signing the obvious propaganda at work in this week’s issue, let’s pivot to discussing In Touch Weekly’s recent acquisition by American Media, Inc. The National Enquirer publisher bought the magazine (and 12 other brands) from Bauer Media Group in June 2018. The Enquirer was also exposed in orchestrating a “catch and kill” policy to hide damaging information about Trump. Having recently announced their full compliance with the U.S. Attorney’s Office to evade prosecution, I can’t help but ponder the discussions preceding the creation of this fluff piece. Isn’t it a bad look to publish a glowing profile of the “saintly” First Lady amid a Federal investigation into your company’s history of burying her husband’s dirt? Regardless, I do think there should be editorial guidelines in place to reveal sources that are, in fact, poorly disguised government agents in cheap Party City costumes. (Allegedly!) I’m also fascinated with the list of scandals Melania has stumbled through in a blurb entitled “SHE’S ENDURED SO MUCH!”:

  • “BE BEST IS PUT TO THE TEST!”: She has yet to provide a concrete answer to running an “anti-bullying” campaign with a husband who does the opposite.
  • “SPEECHGATE!”: She plagiarized a speech from Michelle Obama at the 2016 RNC convention (dubbed an “accident” by the Trump administration.)
  • “CHRISTMAS CALLOUT!”: The endlessly memeable trees speak for themselves.
  • “STYLE CHOICES!”: She greeted children detained by the domestic terrorist group ICE in a jacket that read “I REALLY DON’T CARE, DO U?”

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Quite the list of dramatic, heart-wrenching problems suffered by the ruling class we can all definitely relate too!

Meanwhile, Paris Jackson was photographed in a screaming match with boyfriend Gabriel Glenn at New Orleans Mardi Gras. While I hope the best for anyone caught yelling at men, I must ask: Is yelling at intimate partners in public settings a straight people thing? (Note: Paris herself has stated she identifies with “the larger LGBTQ community.”) They’re constantly bickering in Walgreens and crowded bars and I’m genuinely curious why! Is it a desperate cry for help while suffering under the Heterosexual Industrial Complex? I may never know! But if you find yourself screaming at the man you call boyfriend in crowded public spaces, please know that it’s a clear sign of a toxic relationship! (And who yells?)

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In what can only be justice for tuna salad everywhere, Kelly Rowland wore it better than Adrienne Houghton. Also, “body language experts” who spoke to In Touch dissected photographs of the royals and concluded: everyone is tense. Groundbreaking! Amy Sedaris joked she turns down jobs because of her rabbit and Tamera Mowry revealed she drinks sister Tia Mowry’s breast milk! Worse, Jenna Dewan impersonator Jessie J revealed thirsty DMs from boyfriend Channing Tatum that, and I’m literally not joking, read: “Yes, I won’t rest until I caress fresh face Jess. I will finesse ‘til success. Never digress. Just progress. Bless.” Please stop pushing your evil, heterosexual agenda on the rest of us. Think of the children! I also discovered that iHeartRadio, not satisfied with world domination, hosts something called the “Podcast Awards,” awarding noted The Good Place fan Dax Shepard “Breakout Podcast.” And last but certainly not least, Heidi Montag shared her thoughts about diversity and the upcoming The Hills reboot? “Audrina Patridge has darker hair.” Everyone is making choices all the time!

Instead of the usual roundup, here’s In Touch’s official ranking of “THE TOP 10 MOST HATED HOUSEWIVES HUSBANDS!”:

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Ok!:

I see that Ok! Is continuing the narrative that Reese “Don’t You Know Who I Am!” Witherspoon is trapped in a loveless marriage to talent agent Jim Toth. They even pepper this “hot gossip” with the Kardashian-branded “a baby to save our relationship” trope. Boring! I’d much rather discuss Taylor Swift’s recent Elle essay addressing her defunct “girl gang,” whose troubling conclusion on our national fatigue I’m fascinated by. Rather than reckoning with the exhaustive performativity of her blindingly white #girlpower, she writes: “[I] celebrated my newfound acceptance into a sisterhood, without realizing that other people might still feel the way I did when I felt so alone.”

I had no idea that our collective contempt was actually about how alone we felt looking at pictures of rich people. It really had nothing to do with white celebrities capitalizing on years of feminist labor for selfies at branded events funded by corporations destroying our planet? Thanks for the clarification, Taylor! And her takeaway from the experience? “It’s sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships.” Thoughts and prayers for the Etsy pillows and Pinterest boards with DMCA Takedown Notices inbound!

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What else? Beach baroness Lindsay Lohan is struggling for ratings and Jeremy Renner is starving for love and affection. Bradley Cooper was allegedly ditched by the Wolf Pack and Whitney Port is ready for the world to see her for who she really is (“anything but an airhead blonde chick from LA who was along for the ride!”) Everyone is wearing yellow, Elizabeth Olsen hasn’t seen her chain-smoking twin sisters, and Joe Jonas revealed his former flat-ironing routine. Mila Kunis, not to be outdone by the press cycle, did another interview about motherhood that can be best summed up with this brilliant nugget of wisdom: “Raising kids is really hard!” I love when my tabloids are informative, but they can also bring me back down to earth. Such as the sobering news of Rita Ora and Spider-somebody’s recent breakup! Will she only want to hear sad songs forevermore, not wanting to hear love songs?

Rounding up:

  • Zac Efron is dating a Danish Olympic swimmer with the same color spray-tan he has.
  • Jonathan Bennett wants to “keep things positive” in the wake of Celebrity Big Brother.
  • Troian Bellisario didn’t mail Meghan Markle a baby shower gift because “I wouldn’t know where to send it”
  • Scott Foley admitted Tyra Banks was his least favorite on-camera kiss. Hater!

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Life & Style:

Absolutely none of this interest me, but for the sake of my one-woman feud with Ashton Kutcher, let’s get into it. This “fight to save their marriage” hinges on an Ellen Degeneres appearance and a pair of “pet store parakeets.” (Life & Style loves mining Ellen interviews for chaos and drama.) There’s also allegations of conflicting personalities and imbalanced power dynamics, appropriate for a couple who willingly sits through The Bachelor together. Speaking of, insiders claim anthropomorphic bran muffin Colton Underwood and somebody named Cassie are “faking it for fame.” Isn’t that the entire point? The allegations rest on the idea that, “left with no options,” she chose a life of paid appearances, social media endorsements, and Bachelor Nation notoriety. It’s a brilliantly distilled thesis on the current state of heterosexuality!

We’re also provided an incredible list of celebrities that were former classmates:

  • Cameron Diaz and Snoop Dogg attended Long Beach Polytechnic High School together. She also snitches on Martha Stewart’s co-host, admitting “I’m pretty sure I bought weed from him.”
  • Adam Levine and Jonah Hill carpooled to middle school before attending Crossroads Hill School together. Chaos reigns!
  • Jennifer Aniston scammed a friendship with Chaz Bono at the Fiorello H. LaGuardia School of Performing Arts for a chance to hang with Cher.
  • Prince William and Eddie Redmayne attended Eton College in 1997, which reminded me that Redmayne’s father is a corporate financier and his grandfather was a Knight Commander in the Order of the Bath and chevalier of the French Legion of Honor. I have no particular point to make other than my usual “down with the ruling class!”

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Moving on, Teresa Giudice opened up at the reunion of The Real Housewives of New Jersey that, if deported, she’d leave Juicy Joe (for a 26-year-old real estate agent named Blake.) Regina King wore it better and sources claim Lindsay Shookus is moving in with Jack in the Box spokesman Ben Affleck. Worse, allegations that J.Lo hired Joanna Gaines continue to shake my very existence to the core. Imagine Jenny From The Block’s $6.6 million Malibu mansion lined, wall to wall, in shiplap. To clean our palettes, why not fixate on the mental image of Sonja Morgan drunkenly tackling Countess Luann De Lesseps on the Gloria Bell red carpet while a horrified Julianne Moore fled the scene. I’d also like to permanently request a moratorium on coverage of former Dancing With The Somebodys stars. The cultural cachet I’m told they possess is absolutely a conspiracy orchestrated by network executives to ruin my life. My third eye is open and I won’t be fooled!

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Us Weekly:

In what is certainly the most sobering celebrity news of the week, conflicting allegations continue to circle Britney Spears’ cancellation of her second Vegas residency. At the center of the gossip maelstrom is the fraught relationship between her father’s deteriorating health and his legal conservatorship over the pop star. In case you were unaware, he has acted as her guardian and financial manager since her 2007 breakdown and hospitalization. The terms of the arrangement include a court-appointed attorney, mandated reporting of spending habits and mental health, and strict budgets set by the courts and Jamie (her father.) It also includes stipulations that her conservator would have to sign off and monitor any future pregnancy to “ensure the safety of the child.” With two children already and a net worth over $200 million, it’s a complex arrangement made worse by Jamie’s crumbling health. There are also reports that the attorney assigned to her case recently stepped down, throwing her life into further disarray. The press has a well documented history of enforcing the stigma around mental health and I refuse to pile on. I have nothing to end with except my wish that she can spend the rest of her life safe, happy, and with her children.

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Let’s wrap this up!

  • P!nk, noted aerial gymnast, did not wear it better.
  • Yara Shahidi’s life motto? “I like to stand out but be low key at the same time.”
  • Antoni Porowski revealed his new life path as a lobbyist at a sponsored event for the National Mango Board.
  • Host of That Show Ripping Off RuPaul’s Drag Race, Chrissy Teigen, will host a “Wellnest Festival” alongside Mandy Moore. Who will save us from Goop’s unending influence?

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And lastly, let’s end with my favorite revelations from Dido’s “25 Things You Didn’t Know About Me”:

  • 2. “Writing in reverse is a hidden talent of mine.”
  • 8. “My worst personality trait is not saying no!”
  • 11. “A cheese sandwich!”
  • 12. “The biggest misconception that people have about me is that I’m Swedish!”
  • 24. “I would never, ever go bungee jumping.”

And that’s all! Here’s this week’s collage: