This Week In Tabloids: Is Meghan Markle a Class Traitor?

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers has crashed Vanity Fair’s Oscars After-After-After-After Party to stage a one woman protest against Fit Tea Federation leader Kris Jenner. If I don’t return from the front lines alive, let them know that I did it against the better judgement of my editors, lawyers, and every single person I know.

Let’s dive in!

In Touch:

Skimming right past the news about somebody named Blake Shelton and former Harajuku girl Gwen Stefani, let’s start with my favorite gossip of the week! Amidst the news that her fraud-obsessed husband might get deported, Teresa “Prostitution Whore!” Giudice was spotted with a 26 year old named Blake Schreck in Miami last weekend. While there isn’t much to this developing story, I’ve discovered that he:

1. Wears suspenders
2. Has an iPhone 7 (Plus?)
3. Is a New Jersey based real estate agent.
4. In Touch refers to him as “Juicy Blake”.

There’s also a blurb on the Jussie Smollett case that centers the word of the Chicago Police Department. I’ll be abstaining from discussing this further, but would like to note that the CPD has fabricated evidence, murdered innocent civilians, and (allegedly) refused to further investigate the strangulations of 75 women since 2001. The speed at which this case has moved should not only worry you, but prove that the police have a vested interest in disproving the existence of this and future hate crimes. My third eye is open and I will not be fooled!

I’d also like to point out that the Tristan Thompson cheating rumors surfaced alongside the allegations that chaos merchant Kim Kardashian was in cahoots with Fashion Nova to rip off designer clothing. One could argue Kris Jenner leverages her children’s personal secrets in an effort to protect their wealth accumulation! Still, isn’t it sad that denim baroness Khloe Kardashian’s business arrangement relationship was shattered on Heterosexual Awareness Day? There’s also allegations that Stefani Joanne Ally Maine Angelina Germanotta’s father refused to support her marriage to Christian Carino in hopes she’d wife up Jackson Maine. I wonder what he thought of the forehead touch seen ‘round the world?

In worse news, Martha Stewart’s assistant organizes her enema closet and Kate Gosselin has a new dating show. Kate Plus Date, airing on TLC this fall, will chronicle her struggles with dating “in the public eye.” Remember, everyone: when you’re Dancing With The Star’s check dries up, reality television is an obvious fallback! I’m also obsessed with a source claiming John Cusack accidentally started a WhatsApp group message with 35 women on Raya. He apparently followed up his blunder with “Weird glitch, sorry!” Who wants to bet that his dating profile includes a “Must Love Dogs” joke?

Elsewhere,

• Padma Lakshmi ate spaghetti in bed.
• Somebody named Derek Hough “is in no rush to get married.”
• Troop Beverly Hills celebrated its 30th anniversary.
• Meghan McCain was allowed to continue appearing on television.
• Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott called the paparazzi on themselves for Valentine’s Day. Isn’t that romantic?!

Ok!:

Something that consistently shocks me about the coverage around the Sussex’s is the language employed by the tabloids. Here, “in their own words” actually refers to secondhand, anonymous sources. From a legal standpoint, it could be argued that “their” and “our” refer to the collective royal tipsters feeding the tabloids this gossip. It could also be debated that it’s a clever manipulation of language to fool you into believing Ok! has an exclusive interview with Harry & Meghan. Despite coming from an anonymous “insider”, here’s the preface to this cover story:

“Now Meghan is finally ready to set the record straight. For the first time, Ok! Can share what’s really happening behind Kensington Palace’s iron gates [...] ‘Meghan doesn’t want to address the rumors in public but feels it’s very important that people know the real story.’”

The sources in this story insist that the tabloid controversy surrounding Kensington Palace is largely fake. Some takeaways:

• The Duchesses are NOT feuding.
• Kate Middleton is Meghan’s “biggest cheerleader.”
• Meghan treats her staff with love and care.
• She personally delivers hand warmers to the entirety of the palace staff whenever it gets cold.

A closing question before we move on: Is Meghan Markle a class traitor for marrying into the ruling monarchy of another country? Can we still save her before we eat the rich and dismantle capitalist systems globally? Sound off in the comments below!

We’re also told Katie Holmes has no regrets and Chloë Grace Moretz is transitioning into a “Downtown girl.” Even stranger, Lyme Disease advocate Yolanda Hadid has finally considered turning a profit with her Pennsylvania chicken farm. There will even be a lifestyle blog chronicling her journey into becoming a “Martha Stewart like mogul.” I’ll believe it when I see it! Meanwhile, Kiki Layne wore it better than someone allegedly named Camila Mendes, reminding us that If Beale Street Could Talk was robbed and no amount of “wearing it better” could right that injustice! And once again, the tabloids refer to Kristen Stewart’s various hookups as “gal pals.” How have we not moved past this linguistic misrepresentation yet?

Regardless,

• Ellen Degeneres is referred to as the “Finding Dory star.”
• Kaley Cuoco partnered with a lifestyle company called Goldsheep.
• Some Bachelor people with symmetrical faces are getting married next summer.
• Corrine Olympios partied with Lisa Vanderpump and the cast of Lohan Beach Club.

Life & Style:

As reported last week, the gossip circuit is ablaze with rumors that chaos merchant Kylie Jenner is three months pregnant with Travis Scott’s baby. The bulk of the evidence for this particular rumor is a series of photographs outside a doctor’s office in Beverly Hills. “Insiders” also claim “Kylie’s always said she wants four kids, and she wants to have them all in her early 20s.” There’s also the allegation that Fit Tea Federation leader Kris Jenner refuses to let the SICKO MODE (ft. Drake) rapper marry her youngest cash cow. According to tipsters,

“She’s seen her daughters go through countless breakups and divorces, and being a divorceé herself, she’s skeptical about the idea of a marriage lasting forever.”

To clarify, there have been 5 official divorces and approximately 40 public “breakups” amongst Kris and her Kohorts. Somebody should give this incredibly interesting family with so much public heartbreak a television show!

We’re also told that Jackson Maine and Stefani Joanne Ally Maine Angelina Germanotta are set to “finally go public.” While there was certainly a forehead touch seen ‘round the world, the Oscars came and went without much scandal for the two. Still, Life & Style posits that A Star Is Born has cursed the relationships it touched: Bradley Cooper & somebody named Irina Shayk, Lady Gaga & Taylor Kinney, and now Lady Gaga & Christian Carino. I can’t wait to listen to a podcast on this in 20 years! Even better is a fantastic blurb on the record number of women quitting The Bachelor when faced with the prospect of marrying anthropomorphic bran muffin Colton Underwood. In his own words: “Every time I put myself out there, I get fucking rejected.” Maybe you should Investigate that, Colton!

What else? Melissa Gorga wants her own television show and Sharon Stone stormed off the set of a Chanel West Coast music video. (Who?) Jeremy Piven is allegedly strapped for cash after peddling his Malibu home for $4 million below the original price. Stand-up comedy isn’t for everyone, Jeremy! A few pages later is more fatphobic propaganda against Jessica Simpson and her totally regular pregnancy, proving that society might have progressed (slightly) but the tabloids never will! There’s also an interesting report that Luann De Lesseps, of Countess and Friends fame, might be headed back to jail after failing to prove she’s attending her mandated AA meetings. Please god, keep the cameras rolling!

• Toni Braxton accidentally flashed the crowd her kitty at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino.
• Bobby Cannavale was photographed screaming at his girlfriend somewhere off the coast of Australia.
• The last movie hair extensions entrepreneur Kim Zolciak-Biermann watched was Dallas Buyers Club.
• Goop was spotted promoting a Fitbit.

Us Weekly:

This week’s Us Weekly features a spread on Mandy Moore’s story of escaping an abusive marriage to Ryan Adams. While I generally find second-hand sources in stories of abuse like this opportunistic and distasteful, it’s mostly a retelling of what we already know:

• Ryan Adams used his influence in the music industry to control Mandy Moore’s financial wellbeing and career.
• He regularly belittled, mocked, and emotionally abused her.
• Her career hit a “slump” after her marriage to Adams.
• One-time record buyers are flocking en-masse to refund their pre-orders for his newest album, Big Colors (alongside other business deals falling through.)
• The FBI is looking into his communications with an underage fan.

Much like Harvey Weinstein, Bryan Singer, Kevin Spacey, more: stories about Ryan Adams have circulated on gossip sites for years. Despite the obvious heartache with each new tale of abuse and trauma surfacing post-#MeToo, I’m praying that his victims find peace and resolution (and, if anything, justice.)

Moving on, everyone wore capes in February and Ciara wore it better. Rebel Wilson’s criteria for a perfect man: “Beating them in a jelly wrestling competition.” Erin Foster is also worried for her inheritance, after reports of Katharine McPhee and her gay boys spending $50 million on a wedding to David Foster. While I find trust funds immoral and cancerous to our society, what a life it must be to see $50 million evaporate into floral arrangements, tablecloths, and a themed bachelorette party? And while the Oscars may be dead and buried, let’s relive some of the nominees early career moments:

• Rami “I promise! I absolutely didn’t know that Bryan Singer was a notorious sexual predator” Malek was on an episode of Gilmore Girls.
• Emma Stone auditioned for In Search of the New Partridge Family with Bitch by Meredith Brooks and We Belong by Pat Benatar. She allegedly won!
• Mahershala Ali was cast as Dr. Trey Sanders in Crossing Jordan.
• Amy Adams starred in the iconic Drop Dead Gorgeous.
• Glenn Close’s first big-screen role was in The World According To Garp.
• Regina King had a breakthrough rolle in 227.
• Jackson Maine had an infamous cameo in Sex and the City.

And rounding it out:

• Chaos merchant Kris Jenner and alleged boyfriend Corey Gamble dressed up as cult members from The Leftovers.
• Democratic National Convention speaker Chloë Grace Moretz was photographed at a hockey game.
• Emma Roberts blocked traffic to send a text.
• Sam Elliot was seen chuckling through his mustache at a greeting card.

And that’s all, girls and gays! See you next week (and enjoy this week’s collage!)