This Week In Tabloids: Is Meghan Markle a Class Traitor?
CelebritiesWelcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers has crashed Vanity Fair’s Oscars After-After-After-After Party to stage a one woman protest against Fit Tea Federation leader Kris Jenner. If I don’t return from the front lines alive, let them know that I did it against the better judgement of my editors, lawyers, and every single person I know.
Let’s dive in!
In Touch:
Skimming right past the news about somebody named Blake Shelton and former Harajuku girl Gwen Stefani, let’s start with my favorite gossip of the week! Amidst the news that her fraud-obsessed husband might get deported, Teresa “Prostitution Whore!” Giudice was spotted with a 26 year old named Blake Schreck in Miami last weekend. While there isn’t much to this developing story, I’ve discovered that he:
- Wears suspenders
- Has an iPhone 7 (Plus?)
- Is a New Jersey based real estate agent.
- In Touch refers to him as “Juicy Blake”.
There’s also a blurb on the Jussie Smollett case that centers the word of the Chicago Police Department. I’ll be abstaining from discussing this further, but would like to note that the CPD has fabricated evidence, murdered innocent civilians, and (allegedly) refused to further investigate the strangulations of 75 women since 2001. The speed at which this case has moved should not only worry you, but prove that the police have a vested interest in disproving the existence of this and future hate crimes. My third eye is open and I will not be fooled!
I’d also like to point out that the Tristan Thompson cheating rumors surfaced alongside the allegations that chaos merchant Kim Kardashian was in cahoots with Fashion Nova to rip off designer clothing. One could argue Kris Jenner leverages her children’s personal secrets in an effort to protect their wealth accumulation! Still, isn’t it sad that denim baroness Khloe Kardashian’s business arrangement relationship was shattered on Heterosexual Awareness Day? There’s also allegations that Stefani Joanne Ally Maine Angelina Germanotta’s father refused to support her marriage to Christian Carino in hopes she’d wife up Jackson Maine. I wonder what he thought of the forehead touch seen ‘round the world?
In worse news, Martha Stewart’s assistant organizes her enema closet and Kate Gosselin has a new dating show. Kate Plus Date, airing on TLC this fall, will chronicle her struggles with dating “in the public eye.” Remember, everyone: when you’re Dancing With The Star’s check dries up, reality television is an obvious fallback! I’m also obsessed with a source claiming John Cusack accidentally started a WhatsApp group message with 35 women on Raya. He apparently followed up his blunder with “Weird glitch, sorry!” Who wants to bet that his dating profile includes a “Must Love Dogs” joke?
Elsewhere,
- Padma Lakshmi ate spaghetti in bed.
- Somebody named Derek Hough “is in no rush to get married.”
- Troop Beverly Hills celebrated its 30th anniversary.
- Meghan McCain was allowed to continue appearing on television.
- Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott called the paparazzi on themselves for Valentine’s Day. Isn’t that romantic?!
Ok!:
Something that consistently shocks me about the coverage around the Sussex’s is the language employed by the tabloids. Here, “in their own words” actually refers to secondhand, anonymous sources. From a legal standpoint, it could be argued that “their” and “our” refer to the collective royal tipsters feeding the tabloids this gossip. It could also be debated that it’s a clever manipulation of language to fool you into believing Ok! has an exclusive interview with Harry & Meghan. Despite coming from an anonymous “insider”, here’s the preface to this cover story:
“Now Meghan is finally ready to set the record straight. For the first time, Ok! Can share what’s really happening behind Kensington Palace’s iron gates […] ‘Meghan doesn’t want to address the rumors in public but feels it’s very important that people know the real story.’”
The sources in this story insist that the tabloid controversy surrounding Kensington Palace is largely fake. Some takeaways: